ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

This is the whole point. We want to get out there and have some fun! In the world of casual sex, women are at a strong advantage, and that advantage swells to epic proportions on Craig's List. A quick browsing of the Casual Encounters section (this week, looking at NYC) shows me the following tasty morsels:

Seeking BJ from younger brooklyn girl - m4w - 35

On the bright side, this guy is clear about what he wants. On the down side, he hasn't set himself apart from the hordes of men who want blowjobs.

This guy won't get any responses. Why? Because although lots of women love to give head, and probably a whole bunch of them live in Brooklyn, he hasn't given a hook in his headline.

What do we know about him? He's selfish: he's focused on my mouth on his cock. He's lazy: he wants a girl from his neighborhood so he can get sucked off in the comfort of his apartment. He's probably a bit of a jerk: he wants a younger girl, who's probably a bit less worldly than those old 30-something hags.

In the text of his ad, he requests that a woman send her stats or pic, but he doesn't provide either of those in his post, nor has he said what kind of woman he's interested in.

Stereotypical guy, probably not very creative in bed, definitely won't guarantee me any action focused on me. Nah.

any girl need help $$ - m4w - 35

This, of course, is the classic post from a fellow who's too lazy to make it happen in the social arena, but who has some weird hangup about paying professionals but doesn't mind paying a "regular girl". These guys keep the pros trolling the CE boards.

NSA SEX TONIGHT!..IM DOWN FOR ANY GIRL!..SERIOUS ONLY! - 27

DOOD! YOUR DOWN FOR ANY GIRL!?? No girl likes to hear that; it's like saying, "I have no taste, so no matter what you look like, I'll do ya, but don't think you're going to be in good company. Oh, and don't expect an ego boost out of it, either." On the bright side, this guy includes two cock shots and two face shots with his ad. They still won't get him laid tonight.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:05 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (1)

Say you're signed up with a dating site -- one of the ones that you pay for -- and your hope is to find love. If not the one and only, at the very least, someone who's a good match, with whom you share common interests, and who you can trust is more real than, say, a random post on CL.

That shouldn't be so difficult, right? After all, people take the time to write their profiles, they pony up $30 or more each month, which certainly ought to indicate their sincerity, and they post pictures of themselves to show they're for real.

Maybe not. As reported in The Guardian Unlimited last week:

A recent lawsuit against Match.com charged the matchmaking service with sending a female employee out on a date with a male subscriber as ``date bait'' to keep him signed up. Another lawsuit against a personals service offered by Yahoo Inc. accused the Internet portal giant of creating fake profiles to entice subscribers.

Unsurprisingly, online matching sites are big business. Unlike free sites such as CL or OkCupid, your interest and that of your potential partner(s) are not the only factors in the equation.

As you will read in the Guardian piece, the matching services are putting up a big fight to protect their reputation, and it may well be that these lawsuits are baseless. On the other hand, they may not be.

This is a clear case of caveat emptor.

We'd all like to think that when it comes to love, we can look through rose-colored glasses. Don't we all hope that each person can find the happiest romantic relationship possible? Don't let that hope blind you to opportunists looking to take advantage, whether they be pic collectors on CL or unscrupulous dating sites who want to keep you (and your bank account) around just a little bit longer.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:44 AM in hurdles | Permalink | Comments (2)

You say physical attractiveness isn't everything. But I'm not physically attractive and I'm not confidence [sic]. What should I do?

Are you serious? You are, I can tell. Well, you'll probably hate this answer, then:

Get confident.

Yes, that's all. Simple, huh?

Okay, so it's not just a light switch. But that's the end goal, and we have to agree on that. We also have to agree that you have some characteristics that are worth being confident about. If you think that you have no reason to be confident -- you're ugly, dumb, unfunny, clumsy, awkward, smell funny and furthermore can't learn anything much less better yourself -- we're done. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

If you don't think all those things about yourself, if you think there's a glimmer of hope for you to build your confidence, then you've got something to work with. Start there. What are your strengths? Maybe you're a kickass cook? Why not go to some cooking classes to increase your range? Start a dinner club with friends to trade off throwing fancy dinners? At the very least, you'll get out of the house and have some fun. And at the end of it, you'll be more confident in your cooking skills. That doesn't hurt.

By improving yourself and playing up your strengths -- both to yourself and to others -- you can gain confidence in yourself, and that will make you more attractive. But the big benefit, if you do it right, is that this confidence will help you need less of that external validation, because you'll know you're worth it regardless of who's sleeping with you or who isn't.

Don't improve yourself because you think it'll get you laid more, though. That's a quick-fix and doesn't solve the deep-down problem, which is that you're looking for others to feed you the support and validation that you need to provide yourself. When you're solid in yourself, everything -- and I mean everything -- is easier.

The most attractive people are the ones who aren't using me as a crutch to prop up their fragile egos. That's your goal.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:04 AM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (1)

For those readers who would like to follow ClueChick through livejournal, you may add cluechick_feed as a friend.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:23 AM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (2)

I said on Saturday, with regards to women who don't respond to men who they think are out of their league that it's not that "I don't think unattractive people should get laid but because I don't have a lot of patience for people who rate themselves so poorly."

This isn't related to gender -- my views on this apply irrespective of your sex or sexual orientation. If you think that someone is out of your league, they are. If you think they're in your league, you may or may not be correct, but at least you have a shot. That lack of confidence is a killer, and it will automatically limit your options, not because of anything about how to look or how smart you are but because of how you present yourself.

People who are insecure tend to apologize for themselves, talk down about themselves and generally act self-effacing. I hate that. Truly, I have very little patience for it, whether in friends, lovers or random hookups. You don't have to be in People Magazine's top 50 beautiful people list in order to land in bed with someone, even someone very attractive, because there's a lot more to how attractive someone is than their physical beauty.

Women who are flat-chested, fat, very tall, without a waist, or any number of other characteristics that are socially less desirable as traits of physical beauty will find that there are men out there who are into whatever they have going. Trust me on this. Men who are short, scrawny, weak, fat, or hairy will also find that there are women who like their look. You don't need everyone to think you're the bees knees, just a few here or there. You will increase your odds significantly if you're not constantly apologizing through word, gesture and deed for being imperfect.

If you're looking for that external validation of your worth, you're doomed. I have slept with some guys who were not that much to look at but whose attitude was beautiful. This even matters for a hookup, because a man who carries himself with confidence is going to be more fun to fuck than the one who thinks it would be better if we turned the lights out.

I don't fit the Hollywood-dictated standard of beauty, by a long shot, but I've slept with men who are model-beautiful because I have confidence in myself, both physically and as a package.

Yes, being physically attractive is a bonus and makes life easier in all kinds of ways, including picking people up, but it's not the be-all and end-all unless you treat it that way.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:23 AM in ground rules | Permalink | Comments (0)

My plan was that today's post would expound on the benefits of reasonable self-esteem, but Cos pointed out in a comment on yesterday's post something that I neglected to mention in my discussion of to send or not to send pictures when you email someone on CL. Look for the esteem post tomorrow.

Ahh, but what about the other problem with sending photos: not wanting dishonest posters to collect your photo and possibly send it around or post it without your knowledge? How do you find out the person on the other side is really looking for a hookup rather than just collecting photos? Here, I guess you have to guess too, since you're real and may not know what the photo collectors are thinking or how they will act.

It's true; a pic is not proof of anything, and sending a photo of yourself does mean a leap of faith that the person at the other end of the communication is both for real and on the up-and-up. Once your picture is on the net, it's impossible to control who uses it and for what purposes. I suggest that you should not send a photo that would embarrass you if it ended up in an email to your parents or boss, especially not in a first contact.

This is a case where reasonable skepticism is in order. If you're not sure that the ad you're responding to is for real, and you're concerned about who sees your picture and in what context, you will probably not want to send a photo with your first email. If you work in a high-visibility, politically-sensitive job, you would be wise to be cautious on this front. Or if you're just generally privacy-minded, there's no harm in not sending a photo. As I said yesterday, I run at about half and half with photos and without, so you won't stand out as paranoid or weird if you don't include one.

On the flip side, just because you get a photo doesn't mean you're guaranteed that's who you're talking to. This is important for both men and women to remember. There are an infinite number of photos of attractive people available online, and any jerk can pass one off as him- or herself.

On this issue, you should consider all the potential benefits and disadvantages of sending a photo, and decide for yourself where your comfort lies. You may decide that some posts are real-seeming enough that you're willing to risk it, or you may conclude that it's never worth the risk. Or perhaps you're not concerned at all and you'll send a photo with every email. Any of these choices is fine, so long as you've considered the risks.

Posted by ClueChick at 1:48 PM in hurdles | Permalink | Comments (0)

I don't respond to a whole lot of ads, and when I
do, I make sure that I think we're a good match. My
question is if I should definitely send a photo with
my emails or should I wait for the woman to ask for
one or to send me hers?

Unlike some questions I receive, this one doesn't have a single hard-and-fast answer. If you're drop-dead gorgeous, it probably won't hurt for you to send a photograph, unless the woman is very insecure and decides you're out of her league. In that case -- and I may be a bitch for saying this -- but good riddance. I don't say that because I don't think unattractive people should get laid but because I don't have a lot of patience for people who rate themselves so poorly (look for more on this tomorrow). If you're the type who really relishes being with people who are insecure, then this is your loss and you may want to hold off on sending a photograph until after she sends hers so she knows that even after seeing her pic, you're interested.

In general, though, if you're reasonably attractive, it is quite unlikely to hurt your chances of a successful approach, and there's a good chance that it will, in fact, help. I never respond to someone solely on the strength of his pic, but a good pic can make me more likely to respond to someone whose email is on the edge.

On the other hand, if your email sucks, it won't matter how attractive you look in your picture, because I'm just not visually-oriented enough that having a hot guy in my bed is going to offset the fact that he's deadly dull. And if you write me a good email but don't send a photo, I won't ding you for that. In fact, I would say approximately half of the people who have responded to my ads have not sent photographs, so it won't even be conspicuous if you do or do not send one.

If you're quite plain, don't photograph well, or are downright unattractive, you're in a tough spot, as you've probably noticed. I, like most women, am loathe to sound shallow, but if your photograph makes me recoil, your fabulously brilliant email is unlikely to be enough to get me over that reaction. I don't like this about myself, but I've come to terms with it. In your case, I suggest one of two possible approaches:

The first option is to include your photograph with your email and hope that it will eventually reach a woman who's into ugly, or who's more seduced by words than I am. This approach will save you the false hope of some exciting emails if she's only going to reject you later because you're funny-looking.

The second option is not to include your photograph and hope that by the time you do get around to exchanging pics, she'll be into you enough for your brain that your freakishly large nose or snaggleteeth won't be an impediment to a hot and sweaty rendezvous.

If you're not ugly but are just plain, I'd suggest the second approach, and I'd also suggest that you not bother looking online for hookups. Looking online for something serious, people look more for personality than looks, and in that case you may shine.

I don't know which of these approaches, for ugly guys, will work better, because I'm afraid that neither of them works with me. Hey, I admitted I'm shallow. I don't have to like it, but I don't have to make myself a liar over it, either.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:56 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (2)

Ever since my very first post to CL, when I got 150+ responses to three lines of text, I've been enamored of the casual encounters section. Not only has it provided me a steady stream (cough) of entertainment, some excellent bedroom fun, and a lot of great gossip, but on top of all that, I have amassed quite a collection of pictures of men's equipment.

I have enough pictures of penises to start a porn site, if there were a market for action-less amateur photographs of pensises. If there is such a market, please don't tell me about it.

I have pictures of black cocks, brown cocks, white cocks and one cock that looks like it was painted blue. I have pictures of big cocks and little cocks, cocks from above, from the side, from below, standing, sitting, erect, semi-erect and flaccid. I have pictures of veiny cocks and smooth ones, cocks in the hand and cocks in the wild. I have pictures of cut cocks and uncut cocks, curved ones and straight. I have pictures of cocks next to rulers, beer bottles, shampoo bottles (yes, really), rolls of quarters and, perhaps most bizarrely, an unrolled condom. I could write a Dr. Seussian book about all the cock shots I have.

But I have some news for all these cocks, and for the men attached to them: No woman is going to respond to your email because you sent her a picture of your dick. No matter how beautifully proportioned, how gracefully arched, how impressively, mouth-wateringly, eyebrow-raisingly endowed you are, the woman reading that email is going to wonder, at some point, "Hey, what's the guy who comes with this cock like?" And then she's going to look at the rest of your communication and conclude that, just as she would imagine, any jerk who thinks she'll be swayed by a pretty prick is as bland and shallow as she'd expect. If she's the bitter type, she might print it out and put it on her dart board, but most likely, she'll just click "delete".

But this does lead me to a question for you all -- and you should feel free to answer this in comments or via email to cluechick@gmail.com. What the fuck? No, seriously. Are you just the modern-day version of that creepy guy on the subway who "accidentally" leaves his fly down when he sits across from a cute chick? Does it get you hot to think of a woman looking at a picture of Mr. Chubb?

Do you honestly think it's so great that the mere sight of it in a grainy picture you took with your phone is going to get you laid?

Here's a clue: it won't.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:43 AM in response types | Permalink | Comments (2)

Before I find myself elbow-deep in turkey, I want to wish all of my readers a very happy and fulfilling Thanksgiving. I'll also take a moment to give thanks:

I'm thankful that I'm a woman, because I so love and enjoy men. Although I could still love and enjoy men as a gay man, it just wouldn't be the same. I love the way men, when they're "on" can be smooth, funny, charming and delightful. I enjoy it when men, feeling shy, stumble over their words in trying to impress me. I even, in an abstract way, can appreciate when men send me ridiculous email, because I can drop them in a folder to post about later!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by ClueChick at 10:15 AM in | Permalink | Comments (0)

A reader wrote me this:

I write really good responses to women's posts on CL and profiles
on other sites. I read what they write and then i respond to specific
things they say. I try to be funny, but not too goofy, respectful, and
not creepy. I almost never get a response to my emails, though.
What gives?

Never let it be said that picking up women is easy. Whether you're looking for casual sex or a more serious relationship, it can be very tough to navigate these waters, and you have my deepest sympathy. Picking up women online has many unique challenges.

First, you never know how serious a woman is. Perhaps this is a profile she wrote two years ago, before she found her current boyfriend, but she hasn't taken it down because she likes the ego boost of having men respond to her. Maybe she posted to CL because wanted to see "what's out there" without leaving the comfort of her couch. She might even think that she's serious, but when it gets right down to actually going to the trouble of responding to people's emails, she discovers she's just not that interested. (I've pulled all of these, I'm sorry to say.) If any of these are the case with a woman you contact, you won't hear back from her, and it has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally.

Second, you never know a woman is really a woman. This is more the case on CL (especially the CE section) than on actual personals sites, I believe, but sometimes the posts from women are posts from men hoping to get lots of pictures of cocks and bods. Others are business opportunities for porn sites and webcam operators. (These are usually so painfully obvious that anyone who responds to them deserves the spam he'll get as a result.) Don't take it personally.

Third, you never know how much email a woman is getting in response to her post or profile. When I post to CL, I get a minimum of 75 email responses, the bulk of them in the first two days. Most of my ads garner about 150 - 250 responses over the course of the week that they stay up. That's a shitload of email. Some of them shout out their lack of appeal: the ones that are just stats, or maybe just a picture of dick, no text included at all, or the badly worded, awkward married guys who are hoping for a quickie that afternoon. And others are so over-the-top appealing that responding to them is easy. But a lot of them are good, solid, interesting responses that I can't possibly do justice because of the massive influx of email my post generates. I am absolutely positive that I have passed up great opportunities because their email got lost in the shuffle. Don't take it personally.

You might be sensing a trend here. It's important not to take a lack of response to your email personally, because 9 times out of 10, or even 95 times out of 100, it's a matter of circumstances beyond your control. Don't kill yourself writing the perfect response to 10 women a day, because you'll exhaust yourself, mentally and emotionally. Try to approach it with good humor, and if you find yourself getting bummed out about the long odds, take a break. A lack of response isn't a rejection (and I'll talk more about rejection in a later post), and you'll do well to consider it a lucky break; if she doesn't respond to you, she's obviously not a good fit for you after all, no matter how good her post or profile sounded!

Posted by ClueChick at 1:17 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (0)

When you're trying to pick up a woman on the internet, it's easy to come to think that it's not important to tell the truth about every little thing. If my ad says I'm looking for someone who likes to go to fancy restaurants, it's no skin off your teeth to say that you do, even if your idea of a fine dining experience is the quickie Chinese takeout joint around the corner, right?

Except, when you start out telling lies, that doesn't give you a lot of options down the road, if we hit it off. Suddenly, I want to go try the tasting menu at the French bistro around the corner and you'd really like to order a pizza. We want different things! So, now, you can do what? You can come clean, explain that you'd fudged your self description a bit and aren't so much the foodie after all, or you can keep going with the lie and pretend it doesn't drive you bugfuck to spend $100 for a series of tiny plates with weird silverware when you could be at the pub having a beer for $5.

I'm not going to tell you that you should tell the truth because it's the Right Thing to Do, though I think it is (and I'll discuss that in a later entry). Instead, I'm advocating the Truth as Ultimate Laziness approach: It's always easier to tell the truth. You don't have to make anything up. You don't have to keep track of the things you've made up. You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. And you don't end up having to deal with people who aren't the kind of people you want to spend time with.

Every relationship involves compromises, and telling the truth from the get-go won't stop that from being the case. But, it will give you a firm ground from which to approach those compromises.

If I post an ad looking for a casual hookup, and I say I'm looking for a guy who can recite Shakespeare to me while we fuck, but you've never bothered with any of that nancy-pants crap... well, you can make believe that you're a big fan and that it'll make you hot to do it, and that might get you in the door, if you can pull off the make-believe well enough. But once you're in the door, it's going to become pretty clear that you weren't, in fact, on the same page, and that's going to piss me off. Furthermore, are you actually going to have a good, hot time while trying to fool me into thinking you're into iambic pentameter as much as I am?

It's easy to think that it doesn't matter much when you're looking for casual sex, that as long as you get laid, it's all good. Lying, however, probably won't get you laid, and it will get you blackballed. I share the names, photographs and email addresses of the obvious posers with my friends who also enjoy casual sex, and they do the same with me. We don't really want to waste our time, you see, because we want to get laid, preferably with someone who will get off as much from reciting Shakespeare as we get off listening to it.

Starting out with the truth is smart, and it will make your life easier. Maybe you don't like Shakespeare, but you do like talking while fucking. You could lead with that, and explain why you think I'd find that even hotter than listening to some dead guy's poetry. Maybe I'll agree with you, and we'll both have a blast. That sounds better, doesn't it?

Posted by ClueChick at 1:47 PM in ground rules | Permalink | Comments (3)

- Show me you've read my ad. This will help me to know that if I write you back, I'm not wasting my time on someone who's going to say, four emails down the line, "Oh, whoops, I'm not into that whacky midget threesome you mentioned, after all. Sorry."

- Show your interest in the person who posted the ad, not just any generic chick who's willing to respond to your email. No woman wants to be wanted just for her pussy.

- Be funny. Funny is always good. Tell a relevant joke, or just take a joking tone. If you can't be funny, or if your sense of humor is questionable, this item is optional.

- Be bright. Okay, not all women are as into smarts as I am, but if you're smart, show it off, because it can't hurt. Don't be snobby about it, but being smart is an asset, and it's worth highlighting.

- Make references to things I said in my ad. This is a no-brainer. It should also make your life easier, since it gives you a bit of a template in responding to an ad. I said I like skiing? Talk about how you learned to ski in college, but it turns out you hated it because you ran into a tree. You don't have to like all the same things, but show that you can relate to me regardless.

- Tell me about yourself. Even though a lot of what a woman writes in her ad will be about herself, typically, she also wants to know about you. How else will she gauge if you're the type of person she'll find interesting?

- Ask me questions to engage me and give me something to start my email to you. This one is purely selfish, but I'll let you in on a secret: If I get 100 responses to my CL post, and 10 of them are interesting enough for me to want to write back, the first ones to hear from me will be the ones who make it easy by asking me questions and drawing me out.

- Fit at least half of the categories I put in my ad. I put them there for a reason, not just because I like making shopping lists. Yes, some of them will be flexible, but if I say I'm looking for a regular thing with a non-smoker who likes to go bowling and get head in the backseat of his car before driving out to the beach for a swim, and you're looking for a one-off with someone who will go to the cigar bar with you before hitting it in the back alley, guess what?

Posted by ClueChick at 10:03 PM in ground rules | Permalink | Comments (0)

If I say I want someone close to my age, and you're 20 years older than I am, don't tell me you're "young at heart."

If I say I want something regular but not committed, and you're looking for a wife, don't tell me you know we'll just be a great fit.

If I say I don't want to hook up with married guys, and you're married, don't tell me you want something "discreet" (or worse, "discrete").

If I say I won't fuck you on our first date, don't email me with, "hey baby im free tonight and ill even bring condoms!!"

If I say you should tell me a bit about you, your stats don't count.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:52 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (2)

You'll notice that for the bad responses that I critique, I will often call them "classic". I won't do that for the good responses, though, because there's no "classic" good response -- there's no hard-and-fast formula that will get you the girl. But there are lots of formulas for how NOT to get the girl.

Here's a great example of a good response:

I'm originally from the rurals myself but years in the city have corrupted
me and turned me into a woman-eater. I'm the kind of man who's real sweet
and nice to you upfront, but close the door and pull the shades (or not) and
I'm entirely about one thing: a good, wild, animalistic fuck. I like to
take the giggly types of girls, you know the bubbly ones, and just fuck them
hard, telling them how it should be and showing them what to do. Finger in
the ass from behind, toys, getting tied up, lots of oral and dirty talk ... that's
just for starters. Don't plan for an hour, plan for a night--or a day.

I'm 26, 6'2", 180 lbs, in very good shape, clean d/d, sane (outside
of the bedroom), down to earth (outside of the bedroom), decently
endowed.

This is awesome. What you can't see, of course, is my original post, which was titled "Wholesome girl for kinky guy." He works my original post into his response, gives me a sense of his personality (and sense of humor) and sells himself well. He leads with his strengths -- the best of which is his confidence -- and lets me in on his interests. He doesn't say, "I liked your ad because..." because he's worked that into the narrative of his email. I'm looking for kinky and wild, and he's telling me what that means to him.

Needless to say, this email got a response from me.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:42 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm 18 5'10" 165lbs from the suburbs. I'm very
inexperienced. Would you like to give me my first
blow or hand job? If you're interested I'll elaborate
further and send a pic

This one almost made me want to hook up with him just so he'd have to stop using this line. Almost.

Guys, think about what you're trying to do when you respond to a woman's post or personal ad. You're trying to sell yourself. What are your features? Why would you look awesome in my bed? Why should I want, no, crave, to hook up with you?

Yes, at some point, we're going to have to let each other in on our imperfections, the things that we'll have to know about each other, even if they're not necessarily what we're most proud of. But... don't start there.

This guy is probably really sweet, but there's a whiff of desperate hope to his email that is not the right first step to getting into my bed. I wouldn't want him to pretend to have loads of experience, certainly, but... he would have done better to leave off the discussion of his inexperience, or left it less explicit, and given me some personality to get my attention and then, down the line in the discussion, gotten into more detail.

Think about what you want to lead with. I recommend you highlight your strengths.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:31 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (0)

Saw your post on Craigslist, and I'm definitely interested.
If you are looking for some fun, right now, or this evening I'd
love to get together. I live nearby and can host. If you're up for
a drink or two and then see what happens, that is fine by me.
I'm 26, 6'4", love to run, play rugby, and ski. I attached a photo
for you, so if you're interested let me know. I'm in the middle.
If not tonight, keep me in mind for the future! I thought your ad
was great, I'm always up for some fun and I love to meet up with
new people.

Now, on the face of it, there's nothing wrong with this response at all. In fact, it's pretty good -- he writes in complete sentences, carries the idea from beginning to end, sounds kinda fun. So why wouldn't I write him back? Because there's nothing at all in that email that tells me he's responding to me. He could have taken 10 seconds to include something about what he saw in my ad that he liked, and that might have tipped him over the edge into getting an email back from me. As it is, though, I bet he's sending this very same email to every other w4m post on CL that day.

Let me be clear: There's nothing wrong with responding to every w4m post on CL, but if you do, it's usually quite clear that your email is a generic response, with no personalization at all. And a generic response is significantly less compelling for me, as the original poster -- it makes me think that perhaps you didn't read my post at all. Maybe you're emailing every woman on CL without regard to what she's looking for, in the hopes that you'll get lucky. Maybe I'll take the effort to write back to you only to find out that you're not looking for the midget threesome I posted about.

Women include details about themselves and what they're looking for in their ads. If you can speak to those details when you respond, you'll give yourself a leg up in terms of hearing back from us.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:08 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (0)

Later, I'll break down what makes a good or bad response, but here are a few examples of what I'd call bad responses. These are the responses that take me only a moment to decide not to respond to.

do you have a pic...I was intrigued by your post, and I think
I'd like to learn more about you.

Yes, of course I have a pic, but you're never going to see it, because you didn't tell me anything about yourself or give me even the slightest suggestion that I might like to spend any time or effort on getting to know you.

hey sexy,, still looking for some hot rough play? 34m here,,
5'11 175 with dark hair and green eyes,, i have pics!!

GREAT! This guy, at least, has pics (which he does not include in his mail), but, still, how has he set himself apart from the other 75 guys who sent me their stats?

how are you today .. read your ad would love to talk alittle
more about the possibilities of meeting up .. 27 male here

Again... boring! Seriously, why would he think that this would catch anyone's eye?

im just the guy you are looking for. wanna trade pics?

That was in an email titled "its me". I would have liked to have told him that it's not him, but then he'd have my email address.

These are all pretty obviously bad. In future posts, I'll be sharing humorously bad ones, breaking down the ones that are borderline, and discussing the merits of some of the ones that led to closing the deal.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:51 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (2)

The first thing to know when you’re looking to pick up a woman on Craig’s List, or anywhere, really, is that you’re playing a game. Even if you don’t think you’re playing a game, you are. So you might as well figure out the rules you’re playing by. The challenge is that not everyone plays the same game. Lots of people get bitter about this – I can’t say how many men have responded to my ads by saying, “I don’t play games, so you shouldn’t, either.” That’s simply not realistic. The very act of placing an ad on a personals site – any personals site – is the opening move in a game. When you write me an email, you’re engaging me and getting the game going.

Calling it a game doesn’t mean it’s not real. Your game doesn’t have to be faked. It doesn’t have to be deceptive, manipulative or ugly. Some people will object to calling it a game at all, thinking that terminology implies putting on an act rather than being sincere. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, I will never advocate being fake. There’s nothing worse, in the game of picking people up, than putting on a false front, because that gives you nowhere to go. If you’ve lied about yourself or what you want in order to get the girl, then the girl has gone for someone who isn’t you, and she’s interested in something that you don’t really want. Way to go.

Thinking about the pickup as a game may help you not to take it too seriously, which is important, because your odds aren’t good. When I post an ad, either in casual encounters or in w4m, I get over 100 responses, and the men who will hear back from me are those who can set themselves apart, catch my eye, and engage me in conversation. This is the game: how you set yourself apart, make yourself interesting, and draw me out. Approach it playfully and with good humor.

As in any game, you win some and you lose some, and that’s just the way it goes. If you’re looking for external validation in hookups, CL will burn you the hell out. Anytime you’re looking for your own self worth through other people, it’s bound to go badly, and that’s true whether you’re online or in person.

You don’t have to put on an act, and if you do put on an act, in my observation, it won’t hold together long enough for you to get into my bed. The game isn’t about faking it; it’s about figuring out what you want, finding someone who wants the same thing, and managing to put the two together.

My best advice is this:

Be yourself, be confident in yourself and who you are. Don’t put on some shitty act and try to be who you think she wants you to be. Just be real.

I know lots of women say this, and I’ve heard men say that’s not what we really want, because they’ve tried it and it doesn’t work for them. Here’s my response to that: First, if you’re trying to be real so someone will be into you, you are, by definition, not being real. Second, the reason you should be real isn’t so you can get chicks; it’s so you can be happy and complete in yourself. Third, once you’re happy and complete in yourself – really, truly, deeply – being real won’t be effort, and you’ll find picking up women will be both less important and much easier.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:46 PM in ground rules | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most common questions/complaints about Craig's List, especially the Casual Encounters section, is, "Are there any women out there? If I post an ad, will an actual woman ever read it? Those rare w4m ads... are they really women?" Naturally, it's not as simple an answer as you might like.

First, obviously, yes, there are women out there. I'm one of them, and I know some others, too. We do read some of your ads, and we also respond to some of them. Furthermore, we post our own ads and read the responses we get.

That said, lots of the purported women are not really women. This is a fact of life on the internet, and if it's going to piss you off, you should stick to interacting with people face-to-face. If you post an appealing ad, there's a reasonable chance that you will hear from a bold fellow who figures it's worth a shot to see if you're bi, or, at least, heteroflexible. And some of the w4m posts are written by men hoping to get some nice pictures. Others are written by webcam businesses to snag your email address and spam you with offers to view their cam, for a small fee, of course.

It's not always easy to distinguish the "real" women from the posers and spammers, but we're out there.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:33 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (0)

Who are you?

I am an honest to goodness CL CE girl. I have posted casual encounter ads, and I have responded to CE ads. I’ve even met up with guys I picked up (or who picked me up), and in some cases, I’ve even fucked them. Yes, it’s true, there are actual women who actually want to fuck the men they meet on the internet, and I am one of them.

Why are you writing this blog?

Short form: I want more good responses to my ads.

Long form: I’m pro-sex. I think people who want to have sex should be able to have sex, and I’m in favor of two or more people who want sex to be able to get together and make it happen. The more sex people who want sex get, the happier they are, and the better a place the world is.

Also, it would be nice to improve the level of quality of responses to my (and other women’s) CL posts, and I know it’s pretty demoralizing for the guys out there, too.

Who is your target audience?

I hate the idea that some truly awful guy would come here and figure out how to sneak under the "wackjob" radar based on the advice/commentary I give. I'm reassured by the fact that the few times I've received an email from this type, their response has typically been, "You're so wrong, you don't know what you're talking about." Phew!

My target audience is twofold: First, obviously, good guys who are discouraged or challenged or what-have-you by the online dating scene. I know lots of these, and I hope to bring both humor and good advice into their lives. Second, of course, would be women who are in the online scene, and who will recognize and relate to my experiences, perhaps share their own and their insights, and, I hope, get a good laugh along with me at the absurdity of some of the guys out there.

Can I email you with a question?

Of course! You can email me at ClueChick@gmail.com

Why should I listen to your advice?

If you have to ask that question, you probably shouldn’t.

I want to email you, but I'm concerned about my privacy.

I will never post anything personal or private you send me without your explicit permission. That is, if you send me a photograph, a draft of an email or an ad, poetry, or a scan of last night's dinner receipt, I will not post it here or on any other web site. I will never share your email address in any forum unless you give me the OK.

That said, I may use questions people ask or topics that come up in private correspondence as a jumping-off point for a post here. I will not name names when I do so, and you may choose to identify yourself in comments, or not -- either way is fine.

If you send me a link to a really cool web site or other resource that I think will be useful or entertaining to my readers, I will almost certainly want to share it. In these cases, as long as the resource is publicly available, and any reasonable person could find it through a google search, I will probably go ahead and post it. This does not, obviously, include links to personal web pages and the like.

What you see me posting here does include real ads posted by men on various dating sites. As these are publicly posted, I think of them as fair game. Even so, I'll never post someone's email address (even one of the temporary CL addresses) without the individual's permission. I also sometimes post responses I've gotten to my ads or profiles on various sites. In these cases, I always strip identifying information, and I always will.

A lot of what you say sounds really general, not just about CL ads. Is your advice just about CL and other dating sites?

No. In fact, my advice probably does apply across the board: CL w4m, when you’re posting your own on CE or m4w, or on other dating sites. I might even go so far as to say that my advice applies in all aspects of relationships, but you’ll have to test it out for yourself and see. The thing is, when you're successful at meeting people in one context, it tends to spill over into other realms, too.

Will you send me your photo/go out with me/fuck me?

Probably not, but you're welcome to try to convince me that you're worth it.

Okay, then, what do you look like?

I'm reasonably cute, with curly brown hair and blue eyes. I look wholesome, but don't let that fool you; I'm really very naughty.

You use a lot of abbreviations. What do they mean?

CL = Craig's List, my favorite personal ad board, as well as a generally nifty community resource. There's a specific CL board for most major metro areas in the US.
CE = Casual Encounters. This is a section of Craig's List where people can post for, well, casual encounters.
m4w = man for woman, another personals category on Craig's List, as well as shorthand for any ad by a man looking for a woman
w4m = woman for man, the flip side of m4w.
NSA = No strings attached, aka, a casual encounter. This can mean anything from a one night stand (ONS) to an ongoing thing with no expectations for emotional involvement.
FWB = Friends with benefits, aka fuckbuddies

What about other abbreviations that show up online? Can you help with those?

Some of them! I'm still confused by some, so if people have things to add here, drop me a line.

These first ones are mostly from Dan Savage's column, which I adore:
GGG = good, giving and game
DTMFA = dump the motherfucker already
HTH = how'd that happen?

VGL = very good looking
CD = cross dresser
w4w, m4m = duh
m4t, etc = man for tranny, etc
BBW = big beautiful woman or beautiful black woman

Posted by ClueChick at 6:23 PM in FAQ | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (1)