ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

You say physical attractiveness isn't everything. But I'm not physically attractive and I'm not confidence [sic]. What should I do?

Are you serious? You are, I can tell. Well, you'll probably hate this answer, then:

Get confident.

Yes, that's all. Simple, huh?

Okay, so it's not just a light switch. But that's the end goal, and we have to agree on that. We also have to agree that you have some characteristics that are worth being confident about. If you think that you have no reason to be confident -- you're ugly, dumb, unfunny, clumsy, awkward, smell funny and furthermore can't learn anything much less better yourself -- we're done. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

If you don't think all those things about yourself, if you think there's a glimmer of hope for you to build your confidence, then you've got something to work with. Start there. What are your strengths? Maybe you're a kickass cook? Why not go to some cooking classes to increase your range? Start a dinner club with friends to trade off throwing fancy dinners? At the very least, you'll get out of the house and have some fun. And at the end of it, you'll be more confident in your cooking skills. That doesn't hurt.

By improving yourself and playing up your strengths -- both to yourself and to others -- you can gain confidence in yourself, and that will make you more attractive. But the big benefit, if you do it right, is that this confidence will help you need less of that external validation, because you'll know you're worth it regardless of who's sleeping with you or who isn't.

Don't improve yourself because you think it'll get you laid more, though. That's a quick-fix and doesn't solve the deep-down problem, which is that you're looking for others to feed you the support and validation that you need to provide yourself. When you're solid in yourself, everything -- and I mean everything -- is easier.

The most attractive people are the ones who aren't using me as a crutch to prop up their fragile egos. That's your goal.