ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Sometimes, after hundreds of emails into the ether, you hear back from someone whose ad you responded to, and you strike up a conversation. After the heady thrill of first contact fades, you come to realize that she is not the one. Not only is she not The One, but she's not even a possibility. Maybe her freckles remind you painfully of your high school crush. Perhaps her wholesome looks make you think of a grade school teacher and that just takes the wind out of your sails. Maybe her writing style grates on your nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. Whatever it is, though after exchanging a few emails, it's become clear to you that this is going nowhere. How do you break it to her?

The classic, and absolutely easiest way is to stop responding to her emails. If things haven't gotten too far, this isn't even particularly rude, in my opinion, since it's simply part of the online dating game. It is, however, a bit of a coward's way out. (Not to say I've never taken this route. That's part of what lets me recognize just how cowardly it is, after all.)

But say you've had enough of a contact that you'd like to let her down a bit more gently, or give her an explanation. How do you do it?

Personally, I'm fond of the gentle but true approach. "I've enjoyed our conversations, but I don't feel the pull toward moving it forward," for example. This expresses appreciation for the effort that's gone into things up to this point without putting any blame on either party for the lack of motivation to continue. Another reasonable option is, "I'm really hoping to find someone who's into nose licking and having learned that you're only into licking ears tells me that we're on different pages. Good luck!" Etc.

I like these either as the rejecter or as the rejectee. They acknowledge the quality of the contact and the fact that both parties need to be satisfied in order to move things forward.

What I don't like are a) rude rejections and b) overly apologetic rejections. In the case of rude rejections, it's really obvious what's not to like. "You're ugly and your spelling sucks. I can't imagine why I'd want to fuck you!" is, after all, not particularly ambiguous. But the overly apologetic rejections drive me crazy! I've gotten two of these on different occasions, once after sending a photo and once after a series of emails. Here's one:

I am thinking that we might not be a good match. I am sure that you are going to think that I came to that decision based solely on the pictures that you sent me, which is only partially true.

There has to be a certain feeling that I get from women visually, and I just did not get it at all when I saw your pictures.

Please do not take that as an insult, because it is not. It is less about your looks, and more about my hang-ups. You are a very attractive person, but I am not getting the right feel about it.

I just have very particular tastes in shape and hair and skin coloring and so forth. And we seemed to miss on just about all of it this time around.

I get rejected often (haha) on-line and in real life because of my height and because of my age... and it never bothers me, and yet telling you this is harder than hearing it about myself from someone else. I hope that you can appreciate my being honest with you, even if you did not particularly like what I had to say.

Now, this is honest and claims a lot of the responsibility for himself, so why don't I like it? Because it's condescending. He could have saved himself and me a lot of time by simply saying, "Thanks for sending your photo. Unfortunatley, you're not my type. Good luck!" But instead he feels the need to do a lot of bolstering, which, frankly, is absurd. The implication is that I'll be crushed by his rejection (wrong) and that it'll be a major blow to my ego (again, wrong, though I'll grant that my ego is unreasonably large these days, so it could use some blowing. (Er, not like that, you pervs!))

Taking care of someone and being sensitive to their emotions is a good thing, but it's important to be reasonable in understanding when that's your place. If you haven't even met in person, it is, yes, your responsibility to be polite, but it is not your responsibility to cushion the blow of your rejection. Just say what you need to say and move on. Otherwise, you look like a tool.