ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Every woman -- every person -- looking for a specific kind of relationship, be it romantic, sexual, or some other, has certain rules or categories they want their new person to fit. I've talked about some of mine: age, honesty, and the like. Other women might look for men of a certain height, race, or income level. Some of these state rules are hard-and-fast, and she won't bend on them. Others... less so.

For example, my typical age cut-off is 40. But if a guy gets in touch with me and really shows off his other attributes, but he's 42... well, I'll probably keep up contact with him, because it doesn't pay to be too rule-bound. On the other hand, I don't bend on the cheating issue, because I know that cheating makes me feel yucky.

Additionally, there are lots of categories that a woman isn't stating, but she's hoping to find someone who fits them. These might be things like a certain attitude or approach to life and the world. Or someone who does some of the same activities she does. Or someone with a really kickass view from his apartment. Who knows, right? And among these unstated categories, some of them she's aware of, and some of them just impact how she feels about a guy -- these are those ephemeral-seeming things that just make us go all gooey when we meet him or talk to him.

So, if you're an older guy responding to a woman's who has stated that you're out of her preferred age-range, but you're convinced that, based on her ad or profile, not only is she going to rock your world, but that you are going to rock hers, then your job is to convince her of that. And this is true of any of her stated categories. She says she wants X, and you're Y, but you can tell that this is an outstanding case. What do you do?

First and foremost, don't waste your time trying to convince her that her categories are off or wrong or that you're somehow better than guys who fit her rules. This is insulting to her, and it won't get you anywhere, because she's already made up her mind about what her rules are, and hearing you blather on about how you're a young-looking 50, or you have more stamina than men in her age range because you're vastly younger than she's looking for, is probably going to make her laugh. This also probably won't work because you have to assume the reason for her narrowing her field as she did, and you're probably going to be wrong. (I.e., I don't care how old or young someone looks, so whenever someone tries to convince me to go up a few years by talking about how young he looks, it misses the mark.)

The thing to do is to read her profile or her ad very carefully, see what she's looking for that you do fit, and try to figure out if you can pick up on any of the things that she's not explicitly stating. Then, write her an email singing your own praises. She wants someone to keep her company at the wine bar? Talk about your adventures in wine country as a young man, when you apprenticed with several well-known vineyards. She wants someone who will go down on her for hours and hours? Talk about the delight you take in cunnilingus. If you can inject your email with sincerity and enthusiasm, it'll be awfully convincing.

Go ahead and state up front that you know you miss the mark on whatever category it might be, and then say, "But I'm writing you, anyway, because ..." and knock her socks off with the proof. Don't ignore the rule, don't make light of it, but show off just how fantastically well-matched you are. It may or may not work; you never know which of any given woman's rules are breakable, but if you're going to try, that's your best shot.