ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Hi, Im sure your box is full but thought I would give you a try...Im a single male, 37, average build with long hair. I currently work in the music industry and have been a drummer and producer most of my life. Just looking for someone cool to go out and listen to some music or enjoy a night talking about life. If interested please say hi...

Things that are wrong with this response:

First, commenting on how full my inbox is just isn't creative. Lots of guys do this, and the first time or two, it struck me as a cute acknowledgement ofthe fact that, yes, I am getting inundated by email. Now, it's like a joke that's been told too many times. (This is where being a newbie to CE is helfpul, clearly! I'm way too jaded at this point.)

My ad specifies casual sex. If I want to enjoy a night talking about life, I'll call a friend.

The email is so generic as to be completely nonspecific. I mean, what exactly about this response gives me something to grab onto and get interested in?

Remember, when setting yourself apart, it's not just about saying what you're into, but presenting that in a way that sells me on the idea that not only are you into that, but that I'm into guys who ar einto that. If you can spin it that way, I'm likely to buy it.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:15 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I would dearly love to give you all an insightful, thought-provoking post tonight, but in about half an hour, I have a cute boy coming over, and I need to do all those things a woman likes to do before a date: make sure the latex is within reach, there's a glass of water by the bed, and check the batteries in her vibrator.

What's that? You guys don't know how to operate a vibrator? Run out and learn. Yes, lots of women don't need a vibrator to get off, but some do, and in any case, they can be quite a lot of fun. They come in all shapes and sizes, and some of them are even designed for men while others, delightfully, are operated by a remote control. Imagine the possibilities!

Posted by ClueChick at 8:26 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

You all know I think you should be practicing safer sex when you're out having fun, right? Good. Now, I leave it to you to decide what level of safety is right for you. Some people like to have up-to-date test results, full-body latex, and enjoy scrubbing each other down with hydrogen peroxide before and after. That's great, as long as everyone's on-board and comfortable with your precautions. Other people don't ask about testing and use latex only the first time. That's not the route I'd choose, but, again, if everyone's consenting and aware, all i can say is that you won't be sleeping with me.

But, I'm not here to lecture you about the "right" safer sex practices. In fact, I'm not even talking about safer sex with regards to STIs today. Indeed, I'm thinking about that traditional bugaboo: pregnancy.

Now, I'm in the lucky position of being the one in charge of the uterus, which means that I know what will happen if I have an unexpected pregnancy. For this reason, I don't bother to talk about it with my casual lovers. I take a lot of precautions to avoid pregnancy, and so far, so good. But if, through a stroke of incredibly bad luck, I got pregnant, I know what my options are, and which one I would choose.

But none of my casual lovers does. Because of all the men I've slept with in the last year, exactly none of them has raised the question with me. Guys, this is dumb. I know there's no good way to slip the pregnancy discussion into some hot pre-casual-sex chit-chat, but if it's not something you're thinking about, you could be in for a rude surprise.

For example, a close male friend of mine had a drunken hookup in a bar only to get a phone call 10 months later from the woman who was suing him for paternity. For twins. Surprise!

The men who sleep with me don't know that I'm a freak about protecting myself against pregnancy, and they have no way of knowing what I would choose to do if I were to become pregnant. One guy even tried to fuck me without a condom, I assume he was assuming I'm on the pill or something, but, seriously, this is foolishness.

Even if you are using condoms, even with "perfect use" you run the risk of pregnancy (about 5%, meaning that in a year, 5% of couples using condoms "perfectly" will get pregnant). And "typical use" is even worse (15%-20%). In one of the big benefits of being a woman, I have lots of other options to protect myself from unwanted pregnancy, many of which are more effective than condoms. You guys, though, don't have a lot of options, so it behooves you to consider what you would do if things went unexpectedly awry. You might even want to talk about it with the women you fuck, just for kicks.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:51 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

ELEGANT,SEXY VIRGIN WANTS TO MEET HORNY MEN FOR FOREPLAY!!

(If it says virgin, it's spam. If it's in all caps, it's spam.)

I'm really HOT..wanna see me in person? - w4m - 23

(If it says "I'm really HOT" it's spam.)

For Women I'm looking for a nude/semi housecleaner - m4w

(That one made me laugh.)

LOOKING FOR TWO HOT GRLZ.TO HAVE MY 1ST THREESUM. - 22

(Mmm, classy!)

Please im begging you buy my porn!!! its cheap!!

(Because cheap is the first thing I look for in porn!)

Posted by ClueChick at 8:57 AM in real ads , snarky | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When I meet a guy for the first time, he'd probably be happy to have a guide to my body language and what it's saying. Since I haven't yet found out a sly and smooth way to give this sort of thing to people before I meet them, I figure the next best thing is to post it here and hope it helps someone, somewhere.

I usually start with a handshake, unless we've been talking online a lot, in which case, I may start with a hug. Neither of these should be taken as particularly indicative of anything, though; pay more attention to how I say goodbye at the end of the meeting.

If I maintain a lot of eye contact when we're talking, I'm enjoying the conversation and feeling very connected with it. The more my eyes are straying -- to your hair, your hands, the pictures on the wall -- the more my mind is wandering. (My eyes always do some straying during a conversation, as do most people's, so this is a matter of degree.) You're probably okay if, instead of looking at your eyes, I'm looking at your mouth.

If you touch me and I smile or blush, you're good.

If you touch me and I give you a pinched smile, or don't seem to respond at all, stop touching me, because I don't like it.

If you touch me and I move away, pay your bill and leave, because I'm about to.

If I touch you on the shoulder or arm, I like you and I'm trying to send you that signal.

If I touch you on the hand or knee, I'm ready to take you home.

If you tell a really lame joke and I laugh, it's probably a good sign, but I laugh easily, so maybe not. If you tell a good joke and I don't laugh, though, it's a bad sign.

If my cell phone rings and I ignore it, I'm not expecting an important call and I think it's rude to take phone calls when i'm on a date. If I take the call without explaining that it's unavoidable, I'm bored and I'm looking forward to ending our date. If I make a call, it's not going anywhere.

When we're saying goodbye, if I hug you, you'll definitely get another date. If I shake your hand, I have to think about it, but probably not. If I avoid shaking your hand by gathering up my stuff, we're not going to see each other again.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:42 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm travelling this weekend, so that means lazy posting. Like this:

Someone over at LiveJournal has written a great piece on "Nice Guys". Thanks to Cos for the link.

Posted by ClueChick at 3:33 PM in other sites | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm a bi poly woman who likes to have casual things with strangers a couple of times a year. My steadies are fine with this, and I always follow the rules, like condoms and stuff. But I'm never sure should I tell the people I'm picking up about my other partners, or does it even matter?

I love this question., in part because I'm really not sure about the answer! But I'll take a stab at it, anyway.

The good news is that I think you're in the right either way. Barring objections from your partners, you can tell your fuckbuddies whatever you like: You're following the rules you've agreed upon, and it may or may not be relevant to share that those are rules you have with another person. After all, you may be using condoms in part because you've agreed with your partners to do so, but I certainly hope you'd be using them even if you were otherwise single!

An advantage to telling your flings about your other partners is that if you have rules that are more strict or unusual than "the norm" (whatever that is), it's an easy excuse/reason. "Why do you have to use latex gloves to touch my dick?" says he. You can say, "My boyfriend's only okay with it if I use gloves. You choose." I can't imagine a guy on CL who'd turn down a gloved hand in favor of no hand.

A disadvantage to telling, though, is that you may then find yourself explaining that, no, it really is okay with your boyfriend, and, yes, that's how you do things, etc. Some people love to talk about their relationship structures, and others find it tiresome. That's totally up to you.

Obviously, the main drawback to not mentioning it is that if your fling turns into something more serious, you have to find the time to bring it up, and, personally, I think there's no good time after fucking to say, "Oh, by the way, I have this person I've been seeing for a few years..."

I'd be curious to hear what other nonmonogamous readers do on this one.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:05 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

My post on race generated a flurry of responses, in comments and in my inbox, and I'd like to address the primary question that a couple of people asked me: Why do I think I haven't dated a black guy?

I suspect I'm not the best person to answer this question, but I'm not going to call my therapist for her insight, so you'll have to make do with my self-analysis. I have, of course, received responses from black men to various posts on CL, and to a couple of my profiles on dating sites, and there have been some instances where I was interested enough to email back, and, a handful of times, to meet up, but it's never gone beyond the coffee date. Why not?

First, and possibly most impossibly lame: I feel a certain amount of embarrassment about my theoretical interest in black guys, and this makes me distrust my evaluation of the attractiveness of any particular black guy I meet, because, gosh, is he actually hot, or am I just in love with the idea of fucking a black guy? I mean, I think about it, and I imagine how my pale hand would look touching his dark shoulder, or my tongue on his nipple, or my mouth on his... well, you get the idea. I'm not comfortable being hot for an idea and projecting that onto an actual person, even if the person in question wouldn't actually mind, and, needless to say, I've never actually brought it up in a conversation with one of my potentials (though a reasonable argument could be made that I ought to!)

Second, I know I'm racist. (And you are, too. If you think you can be free of racism in this society, you're fooling yourself.) And I worry about how that might play out in a relationship, even a light one, with a black man! When I spend time with a black guy in a setting with a lot of potential, I feel shy, that I might say the wrong thing (more than usual; despite the blog, I'm not actually all that smooth) or do something silly, or just generally prove what everyone already knows: I'm a white girl who mostly hangs out with white folks.

I'd like to get over these hangups, and I like to think that I will, eventually, but I hate to think about dragging some poor guy along with me for the ride. And that's the main reason I've yet to date or fuck a black guy.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:34 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Now, of course, I don't particularly advocate giving people a second chance on the stand-up issue, so I'm not, probably, going to have all that much constructive advice for those of you who have stood someone up and want another shot. On the other hand, I have given second chances, and I know that sometimes they can work out well. So let's just take it as a given that it's not a foregone conclusion that a stand-up must be the end of things and go from there.

If you have stood someone up, there are two primary possiblities: one, you're a jerk and you just didn't care to call and cancel, or, even worse, you like thinking of someone waiting for you. In this case, I'd like you to stop reading my blog and go stuff your head up your ass... oh, wait, too late! Sorry. The second possibility is that you have a reasonable explanation: you were exhausted and fell asleep, so you couldn't call, or you had to help an aging relative and lost track of time, or what have you. Even these explanations, of course, still leave the general sense that you are not, in fact, hot for your date, if you could so easily forget about plans with her, but these things do happen.

Assuming the latter, here's what you should do:

Explain, don't excuse. If you spend too much time trying to make it look like you couldn't have done anything else, you'll look like a jerk.

Apologize. I can't stress this one enough. You screwed up, and the only thing for you to do is to give a good, sincere apology.

Offer another date, this time going well out of your way for her. If she spent time waiting for you last time, this is the least you can do.

Show up. Standing someone up a second time is beyond lame. Trust me on this.

Don't be surprised if, even so, you don't get another shot. Take this as a lesson and move on. Don't stand people up in the future.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:39 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's always exciting to have someone respond to your email or ad, and even more exciting when that initial contact turns into something that looks like it will blossom into a face-to-face meeting, and, if all goes well, possibly more. But, every once in a while, there's the unfortunate stand-up. They're a blow to the ego, not to mention awfully disappointing in the moment (and if you're not disappointed, maybe that tells you a little something about how you really feel about the person you were to meet.) They've happened to the best of us (well, it's happened to me, so that's close enough to the best of us to rope in the whole category, right?)

Being stood up sucks, no question. And it's up to you how to respond. There are two main possibilities: you're still interested enough to try again, or you're offended enough that you're not. If you're offended enough not to want to try to make plans for the future, you're pretty much off the hook. If you want, you can email to castigate her or him, but there's not really much point. Maybe she emailed or called to apologize. You can either accept the apology and wish her well, or you can stay angry and decline the apology. Really, since you won't be having contact with her in the future, it's entirely up to you and how you feel.

But what if you were stood up and you'd still like to meet sometime in the future? The trick is to express your disappointment and anger but be willing to accept an apology if it's forthcoming. You don't want to bend over backwards for two reasons: First, you've been stood up, and you don't want to establish a pattern of putting up with bad behavior just because you're hot for the stander-up (trust me on this one) because, second, that'll make you seem desperate, and we all know that desperate is never hot.

Now, it's possible that your date won't apologize, either out of defensiveness or just plain old jerkishness. If this happens, move on. There's nothing more to be done there. Count your blessings that you found out she was an asshole before you started fucking her.

If she does apologize, though, be firm in stating your disappointment, but accept her apology gracefully. If she's honest and sincere in her interest, she'll be feeling lousy about having stood you up, anyway, and making her feel worse is likely to make her decide that it's not worth facing her embarrassment in order to see you again. If you really push it, she'll decide you're the asshole and she's actually glad she stood you up, if only so it meant she didn't sleep with you.

This is a tough balance, and I don't actually recommend it. When someone stands you up, it shows that she's not that into you, and unless you could as easily have stood her up, and thus have no particular emotional engagement, it's probably best to cut bait and fish another stream. If you think the sex might be hot and there's no particular emotional drama around the stand-up for you, then, hey, go for it. But watch out for a long pattern of this.

Personally, I can't imagine standing someone up who is someone I'm eager to meet or fuck, unless it's due to circumstances completely beyond my control (traffic, public transit strike), in which case, I'm usually glad to have exchanged phone numbers so I can call him and apologize that I'll be late or won't make it at all.

Tomorrow: You've stood someone up, but you really want to try again. What do you do?

Posted by ClueChick at 9:28 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

After Friday's post, one of my readers asked, "And?...Did you go home alone?..."

I'm tempted to play coy and make you all guess, but I'm not actually very good at coy, other than in some rather fun bedroom games from time to time. So, instead, I'll tell you:

Yes, I did go home alone Friday night, by my choice. After a fantastic evening with friends, I walked home, watched the end of a Law & Order rerun (my TV addiction) and went to bed, all before midnight. One of the funny things about having grown up in the past few years is that I no longer attach stigma to a night alone. In fact, sometimes, that's what I choose, very specifically, because it's what I want. (Yes, I'm one of those famed introverts who occasionally needs some alone time to recharge.)

An important part, for me, about approaching sex and relationships in a healthy way is to be aware of what it is that I need on any given day. Sure, a hot hookup may sound like just the thing, but sometimes, what will really keep my mood on track is to mellow out with a couple of close friends, or just by myself. Striking a balance is an important thing, in all kinds of contexts.

So, on Friday, after having what was, overall, a fantastic meal, I walked home and relaxed. Happily, I'm beyond the age where I get social validation out of having a date or a hookup or what have you. And I don't miss junior high at all.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:06 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's Friday night, finally, after a long week here in ClueLand, and I'm looking forward to an evening out. I'm going to be meeting up with friends at what's said to be a pretty happening tapas place near me. I love tapas, you shouldn't be surprised to learn, because it's a delight to be able to try lots of different things. Tapas is, in essence, the food equivalent to casual sex: each encounter is just long enough to get the flavor. You get a few bites, savor them, and move on to the next dish. Some dishes, you might share with friends. Others are so good that you want to keep them to yourself. The rich, creamy, delightful ones you might have to order a couple of times before you eat your fill.

I'm also looking forward to the atmosphere, because, in my experience, tapas joints tend to be popular with a young and energetic crowd, which makes them noisy and boistrous. I'm not always in the mood for that, but after a week of browsing the online ads, it's always entertaining to see how people's come-ons work in person. I'll just have a pitcher of sangria with my dinner, but I love the people watching opportunities to be had in places like this. It'll be great.

Then, of course, I'll come home, alone, or maybe not, but certainly, by the end of the evening, I'll be completely sated, whether by delicious tapas or delicious "tapas".

Posted by ClueChick at 6:02 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Here's a little something that I've mulled over for years and have never found a solid resolution about:

In case it's not blazingly obvious, I'm white. I grew up in an all white community (no, really, there was one black kid in my junior high for a year, and two Asians in my high school, but we were such a white community that the Asians got folded into the "white" category without anyone seeming to notice) where I never really had a chance to meet -- much less date -- people of other races. For whatever reason, whether social conditioning or media exposure or what, the idea of being with a black guy always appealed to me. Maybe it's because it was one of the few things that got a rise out of my mom when I mentioned it. The point is, though, that I'm a white chick who thinks black guys are, conceptually, quite hot, and in practice, finds lots of them hot on an individual basis, too. Nevertheless, I've never hooked up with a black guy, for a variety of good and bad reasons.

I often see ads on dating sites, CL and others, that specify race, and they more often specify a race other than that of the poster than the same race. Part of me thinks this is a horrible reflection of social racism, but another part of me thinks it might be a healthy outlet for same. After all, here we all are, steeped in a racist society; why shouldn't we all get a little fetishistic pleasure out of the forbidden, or the exotic?

It seems that people tend to look for their own race for longer term dating, or don't mention a desired race while mentioning their own. In casual encounters ads, though, people do specify that they're looking for someone of whatever-other-race, which is probably more an indicator that it's some weird fetishistic thing: broadly, we look for the exotic, or the out of the ordinary, in a fling, but not in someone we expect to take home to mom and dad.

Most people probably don't think much about this sort of thing, even as they're posting the ad. And, hey, I could be seeing something that's not there. But I'll admit that I have the interracial thing is both attractive and repulsive to me, so I'm both intrigued and annoyed by such posts on CL.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:09 PM in politics | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

On Monday, I wrote about couples looking for men for threesomes, and in response, I received this query:

What if i'm a guy and I want to find another guy and a girl to hook up with? What's the best way to find other people who are into this?

Well, first off, you probably won't have trouble finding a man, because, well, as I've previously remarked, there are lots of men out there looking to play. The trick, with regards to picking up men for your purposes, may be in finding a guy who wants to play with men and women. Straight guys don't want to get in bed with boys, and gay dudes shudder at the thought of getting naked with a girl. So, you have to find that rare type: the bisexual. Or the heteroflexible, which may be more likely. Or the gay boy who isn't skeeved by tits. In general, I find that people have a hard time with that gray area in the middle, and especially men are caught in this bind.

(Side note: if you think that only women are hurt by "the patriarchy", think long and hard about just how inflexible and limiting images of male sexuality are in popular culture. If liberation means that we all get to live in ways that honestly reflect our inner selves and desires, then it's clear that men have a long road ahead of them before they're able to break free of rigid images of the manly man ideal.)

As for finding a woman, of course, you know this is going to be a challenge. Because women are fewer and farther between in the casual scene to begin with, and then, on top of that, you're looking for a woman who's open to something that's slightly off the norm. But I'll tell you a cheery little secret: lots of women fantasize about getting with two guys. And lots of the women who are already inclined to go looking for casual encounters are probably the types who are sexually open enough that they're the sort who just might be interested in some hot boy on boy on girl (or boy on girl on boy, or girl on boy on boy, or... well, you get the idea) action. So, in fact, simply by looking for this sort of thing, you're setting a "hook" in your ad that is likely to help you in your search.

I would recommend that you try posting several variations of your ad. You may find that this works best in a couple of steps: first meet one, then together look for the third. Or, you may find that you meet up with people who like the idea of getting with a totally new combination of people. You never know. But, oddly, I'm more optimistic about your chances than those of a regular guy looking for a straight-up boy-girl thing. I definitely want to hear back from you on how it goes!

Posted by ClueChick at 8:35 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

sapiophile: I'm confused about your aversion to men looking to pay for sex
cluechick: I don't think they're all doing it because they get off on it
cluechick: if it's a kink, it seems fine to me
sapiophile: I can't believe cluechick is criticising it for being objectifying. cluechick likes to be objectified :-)
cluechick: cluechick likes to be objectified personally and in the bedroom
sapiophile: I'm sure they aren't, but it wouldn't surprise me if most of the "no pro" ads were for the kink of it
cluechick: she finds it annoying when it's reflective of a systematic pattern that falls along gender lines
sapiophile: hmmm. I like to be objectified by MEN. it is definitely reflective of as systemic gender pattern
cluechick: if it's a kink, they should say it is (and some do, and those ones don't particularly bother me)
cluechick: systemic gender pattern for YOU
sapiophile: well, but reflective of a larger social pattern
cluechick: and probably not a healthy one
sapiophile: I have no doubt the origins of my kink lie within the patriachy
cluechick: thus, the peeve
cluechick: anyway, what the peeve REALLY is is people not being clear abou what they want. do you want to pay because it gets you off? fine. you want to pay because you're lazy? also fine, but not for CE
sapiophile: heh
sapiophile: yes, I agree, but I suspect most people don't have the insight to even see a difference in themselves
sapiophile: and it is a very fine line
cluechick: well, that's not really my problem :)
sapiophile: I mean, do you want to beat me because it is hot for you, or because you have a generalized desire to control women?
sapiophile: is that really a valid distinction?
sapiophile: if the former, post on CE; if the latter, post on Promisekeepers.org
cluechick: depends on the person, no?
cluechick: cc is ALWAYS in favor of self-knowledge
sapiophile: right, but I think many people who feel the desire aren't going to look deeper, and I don't think they *have* to. I mean, I like deep thinkiers but lots of valid CE posters aren't interested in that
cluechick: sure. just like people don't *have* to use apostrophes correctly in their ads
cluechick: when they don't, however, I will snark them, and I'm less likely to want to fuck them
cluechick: same goes for a guy who doesn't know himself
sapiophile: right, but those people you tell: improve your ads. not: post elsewhere!
cluechick: true
sapiophile: I think there's a qualitative difference between snarking ("god, what an idiot") and claiming something is inappropriate
sapiophile: so maybe you should post a "if you want to pay for sex because it is kinky, here are some tips"
sapiophile: or "how to tell if you are kinky or just lazy"
cluechick: well, I do think that looking to pay for sex on CE is inappropriate
sapiophile: while you are at it, post "how to tell if you are kinky or just an asshole"
cluechick: outside of the kink frame
sapiophile: I'm saying there IS no "outside the kink frame"
cluechick: how DO you tell if you're kinky or just an asshole?
sapiophile: I think it is an artificial deliniation
sapiophile: I don't know, that's why I was hoping you'd post on it
cluechick: *laugh*
sapiophile: Question of the Day: Dominant? Or Asshole?

Tune in another day for the Dominant or asshole discussion!

Posted by ClueChick at 8:49 PM in IMs | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Okay, I am full of pet peeves, and today I'm going to talk about one that I've mentioned before: Men offering money on the casual encounters board on Craig's List. Here's a real, yet also extreme, example:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ - m4w

Can any pretty girl come over and play with me? Name your donation. We will have fun.

Now, here it is, guys. If you want to pay for a hooker, pay for a hooker. There's even an erotic services category on Craig's List if you're too shy to get in your car and troll the street in a less-than-shiny neighbhorhood in your city. (And I'll admit, I can't blame you if you don't want to go that route.) But don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to be getting anything but a prostitute if you're posting to CE and your main hook is the dollar signs in your ad.

The ones that drive me really crazy are the ones that say something about looking for a non-pro, but still offer money. I think they might be confused about the definition of professional.

I don't actually have a problem with prostitution, on the face of it. Of course, it's a dreadful system as it's practiced in most systems, but far be it from me to tell someone they can't sell their body, and if you can find someone who's willing to fuck you for money, and you have the money for it, and you're not tricking yourself into thinking it's anything but a business arrangement that happens to involve sex, then, hey, go, you.

But CE is not a bulletin board for prostitutes and johns. Rather, it's a place for both men and women to seek out and, one hopes, find some hot fun with a likeminded companion, whether for an evening, a week, a month, or more.

But more than being annoyed at these ads simply because they're miscategorized and spam, I'm also annoyed at the mentality they represent. These are men who think that women are objects, to be bought -- or at least rented -- because they -- the men, that is -- are finding it hard to woo a woman using their own charms. There are a lot of unattractive men out there who have somehow managed to find and interest women through any number of means, and money is certainly a traditional lubricant for the otherwise less-than-appealilng. And, of course, there are lots of very attractive men who, whether through shyness or disinterest or who-knows-what-else.

Nevertheless, the blatant offering of money in exchange for sex in the context of what should be a money-free transaction bugs me. It's sleazy and offensive, and, frankly, just plain lame. Don't do it.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:56 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

I know this is a little off topic for you, but I'm married, my wife and I like to have threesomes, but mostly with other men. I'm bi, but our guys don't have to be... whatever works is good! Even though there are lots of men looking for hookups out there, we sometimes have trouble finding the real deal. Any tips?

Gosh, I have to admit, there's part of me that's shocked to hear that you're having trouble picking up men. I mean, sure, as a couple picking up men, you're limiting your field a bit in comparison to say, my field, which is pretty wide open, but even so, there are an awful lot of men out there, many of whom are open to somewhat, ah, unusual experiences and encounters.

That said, on the other hand, a lot of guys are pretty freaked out at the idea of getting naked with another man, even if there's no suggestion that there might be contact between them. Because of the all-or-nothing view of homosexuality, especially male homosexuality, even a whiff of comfort with other men in a sexual context can strike fear into the hearts of many. Lame? Absolutely. But real? Yes, that, too.

I suggest that you alternate between mentioning your bisexuality and not mentioning it, in different ads. In my experience, picking up men for MMW play, those men who are interested in a bisexual sort of encounter will mention it on their own, even if they've never done anything like that before. If not, then on those occasions that you don't raise bisexual play as a possibility, you shouldn't mention it, either. If, in fact, you're happy with either type of encounter, you can cast a wider net by not pushing that fear button.

On the other hand, part of me wonders how much fun it really would be to have an encounter with someone who might flip out to know the rest of the story. Sometimes, patience is a better bet.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:36 AM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

A common sentiment expressed in ads I see on CL is the idea that we should, of course, be embarrassed to be looking for love/sex/whatever there. "I won't tell my friends where we met if you don't," or "If you're surprised to find yourself here, click my ad!"

This approach may well work for people who feel this way, but I can't really imagine doing something that I'm so embarrassed about, so these ads always make me laugh. Do people really still think that meeting online is weird? Or is it meeting through personal ads that's a big secret? I can't quite figure it out, but, then, I hang out with a lot of people who spend loads of time online, so doing a lot of socializing through electronic media just makes sense to me. One of these days, no doubt, we'll all be browsing personal ads from our handheld PDA/phone/whatever while walking from the subway to our office.

So, those ads that seem somewhat furtive, or that play on the secretive, shameful side of the whole scene strike out for me. Why bother doing something that you don't feel deep down? And if you feel it deep down, it's probably worth getting over feeling shame about it. Of course, we all know I'm a shameless... uh, well, you can pick your epithet, really. But the point remains: It's fun to be secretive, sometimes, but I've never been one to get off on shame, and it certainly strikes me as an odd way to try to make a connection with someone.

Is this a Catholic thing?

Posted by ClueChick at 5:36 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

In a comment on The First Time, I wrote, "Casual sex does, I think, have a shelf life, at least for people of substance. I'm curious to see what my timeout is."

One of my readers (who may or may not choose to identify himself here) disagreed with me, saying that he's been doing casual sex for about a decade and doesn't see the end of that for himself. There are a couple of issues at work on this, though.

The first is the question of monogamy. Most people practice it, but not everyone. if you don't practice monogamy, it's possible to engage in casual sex and committed relationships simultaneously. So, yes, when I wrote that I think casual sex has a shelf life, I was thinking from a monogamous point of view, in which, by my thinking, if you're the sort of person who grows in experience, casual sex will eventually lose its appeal, because it is naturally limiting in terms of the depth of relationship you can develop within its confines. In fact, that very thing is part of the appeal of casual sex, and it simply depends on the practitioner to decide for him or herself if that is a feature or a bug.

Let's say, however, that you're in a situation where you can have both casual and committed relationships simultaneously. Even then, I think that many people will not choose to have casual sex forever. I, for example, expect to tired of casual sex at some point, and possibly soon, even if I choose nonmonogamous type partnerships. I wasn't a practitioner of casual sex last year at this time, and though my adventures have certainly changed my point of view on casual fun, I don't expect to find myself engaging in quite the same fuckfest of the last year in, say, five years. On the other hand, I'm more likely to have friendly sex in a free-form, casual-looking way, and I can imagine that continuing over time.

So, obviously, the lifetime of casual sex depends on you.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:33 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Okay, I was going to post an entry today on a good CL ad from a man and talk about specifics that made it good, but, then, wouldn't you know it, I couldn't find one. So, instead, I'm going to expand on my post the other day and the idea of perfection.

We all fantasize about meeting someone perfect, someone gorgeous, brilliant, wealthy, kind, funny, generous, skilled, and who-knows-what-all-else. Maybe I picture him looking like Brad Pitt or you picture her looking like Marilyn Monroe, but we have these ideas. But the truth is that perfection isn't sexy. One those rare occasions when I've gone out with someone who comes off as more or less perfect, I end up not interested, for two main reasons: First, I know I'm not perfect, and in the face of such polish, I'm sure that I'm just a drab wallflower, and I must not have a chance at all. This may or may not be true in any of those cases, but that's how I experience it, so for my date to be too perfect is a big mistake on his part. Second, perfection is boring. Trying to connect to someone who's all shiny and smooth is like trying to glue a marble to the wall -- there's just not enough texture or surface area on any spot for things to stick.

Because of this, when I don't like someone I'm on a date with, I find myself feeling more and more shiny and smooth, presenting an increasingly bland and unaffected persona. And that then reinforces my feeling of disinterest when I meet someone who comes off as perfect.

What I find hot about meeting someone new is finding the texture, the substance, the character of him. These are the things that I hook into and that really pique my interest. Sure, when I say I want someone who's imperfect, I'm not talking about someone who only showers once a week or who drinks and drives. But at the same time, if you don't let someone see that you're a real person, someone they can connect to in a real way, you're not giving them much chance to show off the same about themselves, and they're likely not to get as interested as you might prefer.

When you're posting an ad, or responding to one, or when you're meeting someone for the first time, it's important to remember that what they're interested in is the person, not the facade. You want to come off as appealing, interesting, hot, sexy, and perfectly imperfect: approachable and human.

Posted by ClueChick at 3:29 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Today is Blog Against Sexism Day, which is another one of those silly little invented days that I love. Actually, it's the ones like this that I like over the absurdity of Hallmark holidays. But blogging against sexism is basically what I do every day. After all, the patriarchy thinks that women should be barefoot and pregnant, keeping dinner warm for their men. I, on the other hand, think that women should wear whatever shoes give them the most traction whilst grinding up against the hot fling of their choice, practice safer sex to avoid pregnancy, and pick up sushi (to be eaten cold, of course) with their dates.

I'm rather fond of comfortable shoes, actually, but I had a fellow recently suggest to me that I might look into a pair of fuck-me shoes. I've never really gone in for super high heels, anyway, because I feel silly tottering around in them, but he pointed out that if I'm doing a lot of walking in them, I've probably done something wrong. I laughed and went on my way, but the idea has been planted in my head. Hmm. Fuck me shoes. I like the idea of red ones, with a strap around the ankle.

But I digress. Since not all of my readers have blogs in which to blog against sexism today, I suggest that you all go have some hot sex against sexism instead. I'm certainly hoping to do some of that, myself. But here's why having sex is a political move:

Once upon a time (today), a woman could get stoned for having sex with whomever she pleased. Not all that long ago, sex was far more tightly tied to procreation than it is today, and our newfound reproductive freedoms allow both women and men more opportunities to engage in recreational sex without involuntarily involving a fetus-to-become-a-person. Women practicing their sexual power are, even in the US, radicals who upset the balance of sexist power. Men hooking up with these women are aiding in the overturning of traditional expectations.

So, go out, have some fun, and shake loose the bounds and expectations that the patriarchal tradiiton tries to force on all of us. And, now that I think of it, if you want to blog about it, write it into a comment here!

Posted by ClueChick at 2:33 PM in politics | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

That's so sweet that you all want to know my okcupid profile! Okay, here it is!

Oh, darn, that doesn't really tell you any more about me than this blog, does it? Especially disappointing, I know, is the lack of photos. Phooey on me! But I actually did mean it when I said I plan to stay (mostly) anonymous. Yes, sure, my friends know that I'm ClueChick, and they all get a bit of a kick out of it, but there are a lot of good reasons for me to remain anonymous, and until someone can convince me otherwise, that's where it's gonna stay.

The following do not count as convincing reasons:
You want to see what I look like.
You want to know I'm really a woman.
You want to pick me up.

Also, because some of my astute readers have queried me more closely: no, not every detail about myself that I post here is exactly, 100% true. I've fudged a few details here and there. Sue me.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:43 PM in snarky | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Today, I was killing some time on OkCupid when I got a message through the IM system: "Great pics! May I save one for some self entertainment?"

Interestingly, this is the first time I've gotten a request like this out of the blue. Guys I've hooked up with have asked for pics for this purpose (usually explicit photos, of which I have a few), and no doubt the occasional stranger has used my photos for inspiration without mentioning it to me, but having a stranger approach me with this request was new to me.

Now, normally, of course, I advice against this sort of thing, because, well, it's hard not to come off as skeevy when you do, but this fellow was polite about it, and I actually thought it was at least moderately classy (though also potentially skeevy) for him to ask rather than just do it (though I do assume that the photos I post online are likely to get used for any number of things that I don't want to know about.) This fellow was far away, though, and I had a few minutes to hear him wax poetic about how much he liked my pictures, and, really, who doesn't like to hear a nice flow of compliments in a completely unpressured context?

This sort of thing is not a good way to arrange a hook-up. I wouldn't at all consider meeting up with someone who approached me this way, but if you're just looking for a bit of online fun, there are worse ways than to be enthusiastically complimentary toward your target. And while, "Mind if I jerk off to your photos?" isn't a great way to start something you want to be face-to-face, the lesson of a well-managed compliment remains.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:18 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

You may have noticed some changes here this last week, most particularly with regards to my posting frequency. I had been posting twice a day Sunday - Thursday, and once each Friday and Saturday, but I've figured out that that's not really a sustainable pace, especially not right now when I'm having a lot of balls in the air (not that kind of balls, y'all) in my "real" life. That, combined with a crisis of inspiration, has slowed me down to one a day, except yesterday, which I missed. Mea culpa. Someone can punish me later.

I'm aiming for once a day, though, and will continue to aim for that, especially if I can figure out just where I'm taking this blog, which is where the crisis of inspiration comes in. I have a couple of posts brewing in response to people's questions and comments, but if you have things you're particularly interested in hearing me talk about, do feel free to comment or send me email.

One of the things I'll be talking about real soon now is inspired by today's WaiterRant -- the issue of being too polished is one I haven't talked about, since mostly I run into guys who aren't polished enough, but my favorite waiter makes an excellent point. So, for real content, today, go read that!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:41 PM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I've been enjoying people's comments on yesterday's post. In case it wasn't clear, I was annoyed, by the man in question, but not particularly offended. His issues with sluttiness are his, and I decline to make them my problem. It's good to know my readers are above that sort of thing, though!

In truth, I'm completely comfortable with the term "slut" as I apply it to myself, and as many of my close friends do, too. But it's an ongoing frustration to run into men -- men I meet in the context of a mutual search for casual sex -- who obviously can't get over their own madonna/whore issues. One fellow told me that he'd love to get together with me, but wondered how many other lovers I would have at the same time? I told him I didn't particularly count, either as a goal or a limitation, and that it might be none or it might be many. He left that conversation quite disturbed.

When you pick up a woman on CE, you're not picking up a girlfriend. Yes, sure, you never know what might happen, but you can't expect to start your relationship with her on terms like, "I'll be your one and only." She's looking for something casual for a reason, and despire popular cultural assumptions to the contrary, not all women are looking for sex only as a means to find a husband.

I like to think I'm pretty good at picking up when a guy has internal conflict on the good/bad girl issue that's going to spill into his interactions with me, but I haven't always been. It's an annoyance, but in the end, I feel bad for those guys, who are sketching themselves an impossible split: there are the women they fuck and the women they marry... well, that split is going to make it awfully hard for them to find a sing lifelong partner who will satisfy them, and they're never, so far as I can tell, looking for an out-of-the-box kind of arrangement like polyamory. Not to mention that I don't know any consensually nonmonogamous folks who would intentionally enter into a sexless marriage on the theory that, "Well, this one I'll marry and all the rest I'll fuck," regardless of the gender dynamics at play.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:03 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about the realization that, you know what? I'm pretty slutty. I haven't had any particular hangups about the concept of slut, or sluttiness for quite some time. A lot of the women I spend time with happily identify as sluts, or as having been slutty in the past, and that's something they're quite comfortable with.

For a long time, I was a "good girl" by almost anyone's definition of the term, and for some of that time, that was important to me, that I be good, by some external, socially accepted metric, even if I rejected that metric when applied to other people.

So, when I started picking up men on the internet, I had to change the way I saw myself, and the way I related to words like "slut" and "easy" and all the other four (or more) letter words that are used to denigrate women who like sex and take charge of their sexual lives without much, if any, regard to social mores. I'm lucky, because of who (most of) my friends were, and are, this was a very positive change, but for a lot of people, even progressive, forward-thinking young people, the idea of a slutty woman is still quite negative.

I had a man, recently, after a play date with me, tell me that it was fun, but he didn't really like sluts, so it was only a one-time thing. This, as you might imagine, left me flabbergasted. I make no bones about being a slut, or being easy; after all, I post it on the internet, specifically with the intent of practicing my sluttish arts of fucking and sucking. So, to him, apparently, a slut is good once. Needless to say, this pissed me off.

What's the male equivalent of a slut? That certainly would apply to him, no? One of the things that drives me crazy in the gender politics of casual sex, is the double standard: a woman who engages in casual sex is dirty, or bad, but a man who does the same is a stud, admirable.

Do you go out with a slut, or do you keep her at home? She's good for a lay, but not for a date, where people might see you with her, perhaps?

I challenge all of you, my readers, to think about the ways that you may challenge or perpetuate these social patterns in your behaviors and attitudes. And then report back to me, because I'm curious.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:42 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

I was greatly surprised to come home from lunch this afternoon and discover an email from one of those national florist networks saying that someone wanted to send me flowers, and can they (the florists) act as a middleman so the giver can remain anonymous and I don't have to give him or her my physical address?

I didn't know florists went to such lengths.

Whoever it was: Thank you very, very much. I'm flattered!

Unfortunately, I hate cut flowers. My little jab at them on Valentine's Day was not just to be funny. I actually do think they're one of those pointless sectors of commerce that is mostly actively bad. It's bad for the people who grow and handle the flowers, and it's bad for the environment, because of... okay, wait, I'm here to give advice on casual sex, not environmentalism and my politics. I'll refrain. Suffice it to say that, though I love scents, and flowers, I can't compost cut flowers, and I don't like throwing them in the trash.

When I started this blog, I fantasized that I'd have fans, and I even created a little wish list for if I ever got famous and people wanted to send me things. But I didn't actually think that it would happen. So I'm feeling quite thrilled, down to the tips of my clue-toes. Thanks, anon!

Posted by ClueChick at 4:41 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)