What do you disclose about your relationship network, and when?
I'm a bi poly woman who likes to have casual things with strangers a couple of times a year. My steadies are fine with this, and I always follow the rules, like condoms and stuff. But I'm never sure should I tell the people I'm picking up about my other partners, or does it even matter?
I love this question., in part because I'm really not sure about the answer! But I'll take a stab at it, anyway.
The good news is that I think you're in the right either way. Barring objections from your partners, you can tell your fuckbuddies whatever you like: You're following the rules you've agreed upon, and it may or may not be relevant to share that those are rules you have with another person. After all, you may be using condoms in part because you've agreed with your partners to do so, but I certainly hope you'd be using them even if you were otherwise single!
An advantage to telling your flings about your other partners is that if you have rules that are more strict or unusual than "the norm" (whatever that is), it's an easy excuse/reason. "Why do you have to use latex gloves to touch my dick?" says he. You can say, "My boyfriend's only okay with it if I use gloves. You choose." I can't imagine a guy on CL who'd turn down a gloved hand in favor of no hand.
A disadvantage to telling, though, is that you may then find yourself explaining that, no, it really is okay with your boyfriend, and, yes, that's how you do things, etc. Some people love to talk about their relationship structures, and others find it tiresome. That's totally up to you.
Obviously, the main drawback to not mentioning it is that if your fling turns into something more serious, you have to find the time to bring it up, and, personally, I think there's no good time after fucking to say, "Oh, by the way, I have this person I've been seeing for a few years..."
I'd be curious to hear what other nonmonogamous readers do on this one.
Comments
Personally, I'd give the fuckbuddy at least a basic overview, and here is why: you might end up wanting a friendship or longer term thing with the fuckbuddy, and if you do, s/he might end up feeling decieved when s/he finds out (even if that wasn't your intent).
Personally, as much as I love casual fucking around, I don't enjoy having sex with people I don't like, and I can't imagine having a relationship (even one that only lasts four hours) with someone and not mentioning my primary/ies.
Finally, I'm chatty enough that for me NOT to mention my other relationships would take a conscious effort of will, and life's just too short to be hiding things.
Posted by: sapiophile | March 23, 2006 8:18 PM
Whoh! Having a "serious," "steady" relationship while surfing CE for a one-night stand is okay, but extra-marital affairs are taboo? Somebody help me get the story straight here...seems to me that A) There's no difference between a marriage and a steady b/f you're sleeping with other than the very arbitrary and rather senseless legal paperwork; B) Whether my "full-time" partner knows about my one-nighter or not is irrelevant to my one-night stand (although it might have consequences to my marriage/relationship) and C) If I'm "in the right either way" (as far as disclosing full-time relationships goes) when it comes to non-legally-binding relationships, how can CC come down so hard on married "cheaters?"
Posted by: Mark | March 24, 2006 3:46 PM
Mark, the question was from a woman who practices polyamory -- that is, consensual nonmonogamy. She and her partner(s) have agreed to her doing what she's doing, so in the context of their relationship, this isn't cheating. It's likely that they define cheating as "breaking the rules we've agreed upon," or something very much like that. Unlike most monogamous partnerships, though, they have not agreed that sleeping with other people is breaking those rules.
I agree with your A). As to B) no, I think your full time partner should know about your one nighter, unless s/he has said it's okay for you to do it but that s/he doesn't want to hear about it. But it doesn't really matter to the person you pick up whether you're married or have a serious partner, if what you're doing is just casual sex. So that's what I say is optional, and what the original question was about. And I hope that the above clarifies your C). If not, say so, and I'll try again.
Posted by: ClueChick | March 24, 2006 10:32 PM