Casual sex and insecurity
Dear CC, Why does casual sex make me insecure? Signed, Hot But Insecure:
Dear Hot But Insecure:
First, casual sex IS less secure that committed sex. After all, sex in a r'ship has a structure and clear expectations and boundaries. When you're dating someone, there's a generally accepted path and unspoken rules that most people follow. Casual sex, on the other hand, is fluid and doesn't have much in the way of rules. So, while, when dating, you can reasonably expect your lover to maintain regular contact, be it a phone call the next morning or an email touching base midweek, in the casual sex setting, you can reasonably expect your lover to either call you in the morning or not, to let you know what he's doing later that week, or not, etc. That's unsettling, and it leaves the niggling gremlins of your imagination to go to work.
And what do those niggling gremlins focus on? The natural insecurities that everyone has, of course. In this case, they probably make you think things like, "He hasn't returned my email in 12 hours. That must mean he never wants to talk to me again! And the reason he never wants to talk to me again is that I'm unattractive and boring and I give horrible head! This means I'm a bad person, and I'll never find anyone to date, or even fuck, ever again!
Pay no attention to the gremlins in the corner. The insecurity is normal, and if it drives you to distraction, you may decide casual sex isn't for you. Or it may mean that in your casual engagements, you need to set up systems or understandings that clarify the process for you and help you avoid those insecurities. And, of course, doing what you can to allay your own fears is important. Remember, you're awesome. Make a totally immodest list of all the awesome things about you. Ask your friends to help. I don't know if that'll help with the insecurity, but it sounds like a fun project, doesn't it?
Best, CC
