How not to accept the end of a casual fling
I could swear I was going to write something thoughtful and interesting today, but, instead, I am peeved. Sorry.
So, there's this guy who I've seen a few times, starting about a year ago. He was fun, cute, smelled good, but after the first few visits, it became clear that he wasn't all that creative. A nice enough guy, it really didn't seem to occur to him that our get-togethers could use a different script than make out, blow job, fuck, leave. Now, I'm a big fan of these things, but I like to mix it up a bit, so my enthusiasm for him began to wane.
Combine that with the fact that our schedules seemed diametrically opposed and you come up with dates that are hard to arrange and not that inspiring when they happen, anyway. Not a great combination. So a couple of months ago, I told him I was going to take a break from things. He seemed fine with this.
But then, a couple of weeks ago, he started IMing me with some regularity (i.e., 3 or 4 times a week) to see if I wanted to get together. I actually considered it because, hey, sex! But in the end, I decided that I really wasn't interested in going back there with him. Guys take note: part of the reason I wasn't interested is that although I'd told him I wanted to think about things, he kept pestering me to see him while thinking about it, or he'd say, "Okay, well, let me know," and then two days later, poke me again as though I might have forgotten about him. When I said I wanted to think about what I wanted, he said, "Okay, but how 'bout I come over during my lunch hour and we can play while you're thinking?"
His ability to hear and understand the concept of "no" had not, fortunately, come up earlier in our acquaintance. I say fortunately, because he obviously did not actually have that ability, and there are a number of very unforunate ways that it might have come up. On the other hand, if I'd known at the beginning just how no-deficient he was, it would have saved me some aggravation.
Anyway, he IMed me today to suggest we get together, and I told him I'd decided I wasn't interested in pursuing things with him any further. He then took the mature and thoughtful approach of trying to guilt and pressure me into changing my mind. First, he said he felt bad about it. Then, he said he thought we had something real, not just casual. Then, he told me I was being cold. And when I laughed at him for that, he told me I was rude.
It's too bad, too, because I did have fond memories of him. Now, though, I kind of wish I could retroactively reject him from the get-go.
Comments
Great googly-moogly. Some peoples' kids, eh?
Persistence is one thing, but one absolutely MUST exercise politeness and discretion in the process! Nevermind that one must also know when to (graciously!) bow out and move on. Argh.
As if the hard sell was a great way to win a woman's affections. *snort*
Posted by: GreyDuck | June 5, 2006 7:01 PM
I thought "Okay, but how 'bout I come over during my lunch hour and we can play while you're thinking?" was cute and funny.
So you saying no to that should have been a pretty clear signal.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 6, 2006 4:55 AM
On the other hand, what's he got to lose? You've dumped him, so without action, he's not going to get any. Guilt and pressure might be a long shot, but still present better odds than a graceful bow-out.
Also I don't know what your conversation looked like when you said you were going to think about things or "take a break", but unless you set a timeframe, checking in with you seems reasonable. I think in his shoes I'd be thinking to myself "What's taking so long with the 'thinking'? It isn't like there's more information."
So yeah, he shouldn't have pushed, but you probably should have been clearer that you were done. A clean cut is easier to bear than the "surgery with a butter knife" approach.
Posted by: sapiophile | June 6, 2006 7:35 AM
I am a big believer that all CE's should have the inherently understood rule that it ends when one or the other wants it to end with no tears, no screaming and no stalking.
That being said, the "thinking" thing adds a bit of ambiguity to the mix. My experience is that when someone says to me they are "thinking" about something in this arena, they are really saying "no" but they cannot bring themselves to just say it. Unfortunately this leaves the person being "thought of" hanging with false hopes.
I think Sapiohile is right that a "think about it" without a time frame" does warrant a check back. Also, IM's and e-mail are funny communication methods in which things are easily misinterpreted. He may think your initial comment is a joke or take it in the wrong context. So even "double-checking" a no in that sense, is not a bad thing. After four clear "no's" though, he should have gotten the hint.
Posted by: B | June 6, 2006 11:50 AM