On being emotionally available in relationships, casual and otherwise
A readers asks, "How much emotion should a guy show?"
As always, with this kind of question, I'd like to begin with the caveat that the answer depends on at least three factors: the guy, the person he's dating/fucking/whatevering, and their relationship.
First, the guy: How much emotion is it natural for you to show? I don't really buy the line that men are naturally less emotional than women, though I do see that men are given fewer socially-approved opportunities to show their emotions. I, for example, play my emotions relatively close to my chest. This means that when I'm in a new relationship, the person I'm seeing is unlikely to get to see a whole lot of what's happening under the surface. Furthermore, there are layers of what's happening. If I'm having a good time on a date, I can be happy and smiling and laughing, or I can choose to open up more and talk about how much I enjoy spending time with my date, or open up further still and talk about what I think that might mean for the future of our relationship. All of these are choices about how much emotion and/or internal life to share with a date. Only you know what's comfortable for you.
Second, the person you're dating: I've been on dates with guys who tell me too much too soon, and it's not pretty. I don't want to know about your depression support group on our first date, and I don't want to know that you feel so comfortable with me that you can tell me about your embarrassing thumb-sucking habit over coffee. I do like it when people are comfortable with me, but until I know you better, I don't have enough texture to my sense of you to be able to respond reasonably to early oversharing. This makes me feel awkward, and I hate feeling awkward. On the flip side, if we've been dating for a while and we're still having only superficial conversations about the weather, I'm going to think you're one of "those" guys who never makes room for a real connection, and I'm likely to write you off.
Third, the relationship: Are you casual fuckbuddies? In that case, even after a few months, your relationship isn't going to have the structure to allow for conversations that bare the soul. Just because I've sucked you off doesn't mean I want to hear about how your parents were never at your elementary school plays and how much that hurt you. On the other hand, if you have a relationship that's heading for more significant intimacy, whether friendly or romantic, it'll be weird for you to keep your partner at arm's length and never talk about the things that are on your mind, whether good or bad, whether related to your relationship or simply the day-to-day workings of your life.
Finally, the balance of what to share, in terms of your inner life, with a friend or a lover, is one that many people make unconsciously, and that often works well. Conscious awareness of some of the factors that play into this never hurts, though, right? In general, people take turns opening up and seeing how the other person responds. If I share more about myself and the person I'm talking to doesn't get all weird about it, and then, in turn, opens himself as the conversation continues, we can continue to deepen the intimacy/personal-ness of the conversation until someone takes a step that the other person isn't willing to match. Then you stop there, and either try again to deepen the intimacy at a later date, or the relationship stays at that level. (To be clear: staying at a given level, as long as both people are happy/content there, is a great thing.) Over time, friendships and romantic relationships shift around, sometimes being more and sometimes less intimate. In new relationships, however, you're still working out where your baseline level of shared comfort is. It's up to you, when your partner makes an intimacy-overture, whether you want to meet her or not. And pay attention to whether she meets yours.
Finally, beware of rushing into intimacy before your relationship has the structures to back it up. My one blazingly bad idea of a fling was a case of both of us diving head first into the emotional intensity of the potential of our connection without checking whether our lives could actually fit the shape of the thing together. In the end, we couldn't, and the dramatic backlash of that has fucked up the potential for some steamingly hot sex ever since.
