Psychological tricks and their missteps: passive aggression
A couple of people have commented, in response to yesterday's post, that my telling this guy that I was thinking about things made for mixed signals, and I'd have to say that's true. While I was, in fact, taking that time to think about things, I'm sure that from his perspective, it was just foot-dragging.
That said, I'd like to talk a bit about psychological manipulation. I don't know if he was pulling some of these tricks intentionally, or if he's just picked them up along the way in life, but there are two little moves he pulled that are enough to set my teeth on edge.
First, when I told him that I was done with things, he said he felt bad about it. This is an obvious plea to the "female as caretaker". Women are socialized to be (please note that I'm not saying this is biological or in any way deterministic) nurturers and peacemakers. We're encouraged to care about how people feel, and to help people feel better when they're sad. Therefore, telling a woman that you feel bad as a result of her actions is a quick way to trigger what may be a totally unconscious desire to solve the problem and make you feel better. Of course, if you actually do feel bad, and you have a relationship where it's appropriate for her to help you feel better, this can be a totally reasonable and non-manipulative way to deal with emotions. In the "breakup" of a casual thing, not so much.
Second, when that didn't work to get me to change my mind, he told me I was being cold. Now, no one wants to be called cold in interpersonal interactions (okay, almost no one), and furthermore, this is another trigger that goes against many women's socialized desire to be warm, friendly, and appreciated. In fact, this is a psychological trick used by abusers of all stripes, from con artists on the streets to lovers: If you tell someone they're doing something that goes against some accepted social norm, they'll go out of their way to prove you wrong. Pulling this card on me has never ended well for my sparring partner, and it definitely closed the door on any questions I might have had about ending this with this fellow.
I don't have a witty closing, here, but I will sum up by saying that passive aggressive is never sexy.
Comments
Expressing disappointment about the relationship ending does not seem manipulative to me per se. In fact it seems natural - of course context/strength of the comment is relevant (i.e. "man my life is like OVER why did you do this to me!?" vs. "I'm disappointed...oh well, good luck, get back to me if you ecer change your mind."
I see your point, however, about using emotional expressions to manipulate.
An aside -
While women do undertake care-taker roles more often, many men, especially those from alcholic or other dysfunctional homes, also tend to burden themselves with responsibility for the emotions of others and for "rescuing" women. I think this tactic and this response can work both ways. I think that this is just one more area where male emotional problems get pushed aside. But I could get on the soapbox about that forever - great posts in general just thought I would chip in.
Posted by: Jon | June 8, 2006 5:50 AM