The big O or a big dud?
This morning, I received a query on a topic that's often on my mind:
Dear ClueChick,I've run into an interesting issue of late and I'd love your thoughts. The last two women I've met for casual encounters had the interesting issue of being unable to have an orgasm when having sex with a stranger (i.e., me). They assured me it wasn't my performance that caused the lack of orgasm, just a general issue with all new guys they sleep with. Despite this, they continue to have and enjoy casual encounters.
How important is the orgasm to the casual encounter? Do you experience one the first time you're rolling around with someone new?
Now, I could go on and on in my response, here, but I'll try not to bore you all too much. First, of course, each person places a different level of importance on the orgasm as part of the sexual experience, whether casual or otherwise. I happen not to place a lot of importance on it, because I almost never get off when I'm with a partner, casual or committed, but I still enjoy sex quite a lot (obviously). For someone for whom orgasm is less of a hurdle, I suspect that the big O plays a more important role in the whole experience.
So, no, I don't come the first time I'm fucking a new person, and probably not the next several times, either, because it takes me a while to get comfortable enough with someone to be able to talk about the details of my complicated relationship to orgasm. To say it's a loaded topic would be both an intentional pun and an understatement. I've never wanted to turn my sexual experiences into a possibly-fruitless quest for an orgasm when I enjoy the whole shebang uncomplicatedly without.
That said, I always like it when I'm with a lover who cares about my pleasure. This can be a tricky topic, itself, because, of course, I like my lovers to give me the opening to say what I need, but I don't want them to be pushy about it if I say I'm not going to come. On the other hand, I imagine it must be frustrating for them. I imagine how I would feel if my lover never came, and I'll tell you, it would definitely make me doubt my mad skills in bed, so I've decided to go on a quest to get off with partners more often. The trick there, of course, is to find partners with whom I can explore this topic, touchy bits and all. Needless to say, this is not casual encounter fodder. That's another post, though.
All that said, I assure you that sex can be a hell of a lot of fun, even if there's no orgasm, and as long as you're giving your lovers a chance to tell you what would help them get off and are showing that you're interested in making that happen for them, you're doing what you can. Reaching orgasm in any encounter is a two-person interaction, and if your lovers say they just don't get there the first time(s) with someone new, they ought to know. With any luck, you'll get a chance to test the theory that it's just the getting-to-know-you factor.
