To reject or to ignore: the dating woman's email dilemma
One of my female readers asks, "The men that have contacted me I'm not interested in. Am I obligated to respond or is it better to just ignore them?"
Ahh, the ongoing question of how to deal with men you're not interested in. This is always a struggle. On the one hand, you don't want to be a jerk and ignore them, but on the other hand, it's awkward to decline them, and ignoring them is less blatant and rude online.
I will admit that I often feel like I'm being rude when I don't respond to someone's approach in response to one of my ads or profiles, but that doesn't stop me from doing it, and I think that's okay (obviously). On those occasions when I've responded to say, "Thanks, but no, thanks," about a quarter of the time I don't hear back, a quarter of the time I get an appreciative response, and half the time I get the guy badgering me to give him a chance. Sometimes it feels worth it to me, and other times not, to take the trouble to respond, but I never feel obligated, and you shouldn't, either.
On the other hand, if a guy has obviously taken a lot of time to write a thoughtful and interesting email, I'm often pleased to be able to say, "Hey, I appreciate the effort you put into your email," even if I don't find him appealing. And, unsurprisingly, the guys who write the good emails are more likely to be the ones who respond positively when I decline.
Comments
As a rule of thumb, I would say ignoring is the best route. Of course, everyone likes to be acknowledged and thanked. But there is that subset of people who cannot take no for an answer. Then there are those who also can become angry in their responses. Even if you are smart enough to be using a disposable email address, it still sucks having it in the possession of a psycho.
I stopped acknowledging replies after one woman sent a rather harsh email to me and revealed her "boiling bunnies" nature quite disturbingly.
Men have become used to receiving no replies on CE. So even though it doesn't feel right from a courtesy standpoint, you are better off for it in the end.
Posted by: T | June 14, 2006 8:11 PM
I'd like to vote in favor of responding. Not responding is a kind of rejection, too, but it's uncertain for a while. If you got 100 responses and just don't have time to respond, that makes sense, but if you have the time, ignoring is just avoidance.
If I were a girl...
If they wrote a pointless message, ignore.
If they wrote a real message, write back briefly, "thanks for your email. I'm not interested, but I appreciate it." something like that.
If they write back badgering, ignore. (unless they said something brilliant enough to get you interested :)
Posted by: Cos | June 14, 2006 11:16 PM
I'm always grateful when someone I've contacted through an online forum takes the time to send a little "thanks, but I'm not interested" note. Speaking from experience here... I typically get responses to no more than about ten percent of the messages I send out. (And yes, I've considered the possibility that my approach could use some work...)
Anyhoo, I'd rather be certain of a rejection then uncertain that my message was even read. But then, I'm part of the group that would send an appreciative response. ::shrug::
Posted by: Steven | June 15, 2006 12:25 AM
I think not responding leads to the spiral that ends up with guys offering one line replys and cut & paste responses.
You can send so many responses out and get so few replies that it almost starts seeming like a numbers game and if that is the way it is going to be then you may as well just blast a one-line response and see if it gets you anywhere.
Personally, if a respondent showed any sort of effort in their response, I think it would be rude not to acknowledge the effort even if it runs the risk of them whining a bit. After all, while etiquette may say you should respond to the initial contact, I do not think it calls for extending the conversation beyond that unless both parties agree.
Posted by: B | June 17, 2006 9:02 AM
When I used to meet girls online, I just prefered being ignored. I would usually send out letters to 20+ women at a time, so I didn't care if someone didn't write me back.
Posted by: DJ | June 17, 2006 4:52 PM