ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

I can get off on namecalling in the right context. When things are loose and flowing in the bedroom, my lover can get away with calling me "slut," "bitch," or "baby". And my closest friends can get away with calling me those things just about anytime. But in the category of "holy shit the pain of the obvious," I'd like to point out that your initial email to me is not a good time to use any of these terms, or similar ones.

Another good time not to call me "slut" is when we first meet, unless you're using it in an obviously appreciative way. If you have even slightly negative feelings about slutty girls (but hope you're going to get some from one), keep your mouth shut.

Or don't. I've always wanted to throw a drink in my date's face, but I've never before had the opportunity handed to me.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:44 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (3)

I recently received this query:

Why is sex so important in your life? I mean I of course understand people want to have fun and I'm not at all against it, but I think smoking pot while listening to good music, or drinking half a bottle of tequila while listening to rock music, or jacking off while looking at pictures and videos of your favourite kind of perversion on the internet is a lot better than usual sex, because, in these cases, you don't have to adapt to the wishes of somebody else and make him/her adapt to yours, but you can just do everything as you like. So, why?

I'm having a "same planet, different worlds" problem trying to think about how to answer this question. Maybe it's because I've never smoked pot? I have drunk half a bottle of tequila, though, and I like sex more, so maybe it's just a different experience of the same sorts of things.

It's true that playing by myself is pretty great, and it means I can do whatever I want to myself, within my abilities, and I would never, ever give up masturbation, but neither would I give up partner sex. In some ways, these two things are so different that it wouldn't even occur to me to compare them. It's like the difference between hanging out at home with a video vs. going to a party. I'm unlikely to do both in the same evening, but my life just wouldn't be complete without a bit of each, and some other stuff, too.

But, then, I've been accused of being a bit of a variety junky.

Still, why is sex important to me? For some of the very reasons that you seem to think it sucks: I like adaptingg to someone else's desires, and I like having others adapt to my desires. Having sex with someone else brings a totally different kind of energy into the bedroom (or living room, or kitchen, or...) [Note to roommates: Don't worry, I put a towel down on the couch, first.] Getting myself off is completely different from fucking, or sucking cock, and no matter how good I am with my fingers, having someone eat me out is a whole different thing, too. No matter how much I try, I can't give myself the same electric buzz of a lover's hand stroking down my back, and I don't care what kind of attachments they're selling for vibrators these days; there's nothing like having my lover fuck me from behind.

Even setting aside all of that, sex is great because it's an opportunity to connect with someone outside of myself. It's not a very popular attitude to have these days, but I really like people. I like the differences between them, and the similarities. I learn new things with every new person I meet, and the things I learn from new lovers are some of my favorites. I feel powerful when I'm having sex, and I feel vulnerable, exhilarated, protective and protected. I get a huge rush from sex with other people that is completely unlike the release I get from jilling off to porn on the internet.

I would no more trade sex for masturbation or alcohol (or vice versa) than I would trade people for books. For me, these are entirely orthogonal drives and desires.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:16 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (4)

I posted last month about the joys of the out of town hookup, and I received a couple of questions about that sort of arrangement.

First, how do I protect my valuables?

This, of course, is an issue at home, too, and I'll admit that I'm actually pretty lax about this. I don't tend to think of guys who are looking for casual sex as big into thievery, but, on the other hand, you never know, right? At home, I make sure that my valuables aren't sitting out in plain sight. I actually have to admit that my room is a little on the messy side, and I think that probably makes it harder for someone who might otherwise be inclined to take advantage of something sitting in plain sight to do so. Also, I rarely leave a guy alone anywhere in my house for more time than it takes me to run to the bathroom, and I wouldn't unless I knew him well enough to have an ongoing arrangement with him.

In a hotel, I'm probably better off, since most of the hotels where I stay have safes, and that's where I put my wallet and anything else valuable I might be carrying with me on that trip. I suppose a guy might run off with my business clothes, but it would be hard for me to get too upset about that!

The second question was how do I decide where to meet people when it's not my "home turf"?

It's true that when I'm at home, I know the neighborhoods and I know where I'll be safe at the time of day I'm meeting my potential hookup. I also know the cafes and bars that I like to visit, whereas, when I'm out of town, I'm going on someone else's say-so. As a rule, I like to use my hotel's bar or lounge, if it has one. This has two advantages: I don't have to venture out on the town in an unknown neighborhood, and if I like the guy, we can easily go up to my room.

There have been two times when this plan wouldn't work. Once, I was in a hotel with no lounge, and the other time, there was a very nice lounge, where many of my company's clients were enjoying an after-dinner drink. In both of these cases, I'm afraid I just lazy-ed out of the hookup. In the case of the hotel with no lounge, I'd already been in contact with a couple of potential guys before going to the hotel. Once I got there and saw that I'd have to find another option (and that my hotel was in an uninteresting business area), I decided I was more interested in watching reruns of Law & Order than trying to manage logistics, so I emailed my guys to say it wasn't going to work. In the case of the hotel with lots of clients, I knew that was going to be the case, and I simply chose not to make any hookup arrangements.

The truth is, I'm lazy, so if a hookup is going to be too much work, I'm unlikely to bother with it, especially for an out-of-towner.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:33 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (1)

In a couple of weeks, I'll be heading off on a much-needed end-of-summer vacation. Tropical breezes and froofy drinks, here I come!

But while I'm gone, I'd rather hate to leave you all high and dry, without snarky commentary on the online hookup scene. Normally, I'd ask sapiophile to fill in for me, but she's pretty busy these days. I could also try to prepost a bunch of articles, which I will do, anyway, but then it occurred to me: I have a whole bunch of very bright readers (I'm not just saying that to flatter you all), and some of you have, on occasion, mentioned that you might have a little something to say on a blog like mine.

If any of you is interested in being a guest-blogger-for-a-day, I'd be more than willing to entertain the idea. I'd need you to write the post before I leave September 8, so I can vet and schedule it before I'm off to piña colada land. Email me at cluechick@gmail.com, if you think you'd like to be ClueChick for a day!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:08 PM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (2)

One of the (many) great things about the casual hookup, for me, is the opportunity to do things with a lover in an emotionally unloaded context. If you're anything like me on this point, you have sexual desires or interests that you want to play out but that are scarily revealing to ask of a regular lover or of someone who knows you or with whom you have an emotional entanglement. On the one hand, an emotional connection with a lover opens doors to a variety of activities that you couldn't do with a one night stand or a hoookup, but, on the other hand, that very openness closes doors to other avenues of exploration.

For me, historically, one of these has been exhibitionism. I know, it's probably surprising to all of you, who get to see me bare my slutty soul (or a portion of it, anyway), but I like to be watched.

...

Okay, maybe that's not surprising.

But, I have the damnedest time asking a lover to watch me get myself off, and it was only through super casual sex that I got to the point (now) where I can at least envision it. Why? Well, I assume my hangup has to do with feeling selfish, self-conscious, and certainly exposed, all of which are scarier with someone with whom I'm emotionally involved. Plus, I had this lover once who seemed to get bored when I was jilling off, which, no doubt, didn't help.

Just by chance, though, I recently had a hookup with a guy who first asked and then demanded that I get myself off while he watched. Now, sometimes that might be offputting, but in this case, it was just what I needed to convince me that, no, he really did want to watch me. And it has me thinking, hmm, maybe that means some other lovers would like to, too.

Now, no doubt some of you will write in saying, "Of course I like watching a woman get herself off! Have you never seen porn??" But the point here is that these hangups aren't always rational, and logic doesn't always shake them. But it turns out that a casual fuck can sometimes work wonders where wonders were never worked before.

Just as it is more convincing (though perhaps less meaningful) to be told I'm beautiful by a stranger than by my mother, hearing something from a casual sex partner can be more convincing, especially of a whole category, than someone who's invested in a sexual relationship with me.

Today, the casual lay; tomorrow, the regular lover.

Posted by ClueChick at 2:33 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (4)

Sometimes, real ads are better than anything I could come up with. Frequently, in fact. Tonight, I signed onto CE to find these two ads one after another:

Cum Fuck My Girlfriend The Pussy is Good - mw4mm - 33
Are you a Cuckold Couple? Want to hear her squeal with pleasure? - m4mw - 39

Of course, they probably won't manage to connect with each other, but, come on, isn't this just the kind of thing that's great to see? They're probably neighbors.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:09 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of my loyal readers wrote me this morning to ask,

I had an interesting first meeting w/a potential hookup recently that brought up a question for you. We were ogling each other over drinks and the topic of clothing choice for a hookup date came up.

Specifically, the question of how much skin to show. She preferred tight shirts that showed the definition of pecks (for men) and breasts (for herself). I tend to go with a button-up shirt that shows a little neck and like seeing ample cleavage on a woman (not that she necessarily needs to be well-endowed, even cleavage on small women works for me).

What are your preferences, for yourself and the men you "see"?

This is funny timing because just last night one of my lovers and I were talking about clothing and what's sexy. Some friends bought me a custom corset for my birthday, and almost everyone I know thinks I look particularly good in corsets, but he was saying that corsets leave him cold. Go figure.

The thing about clothing is that there are, as usual, several things happening. First, you obviously want to wear something that feels good, comfortable, flattering. And you want to wear something that's going to attract your (potential) lover. When your date is someone you don't know, though, you don't know what will be attractive to them! So, what to do? Fall back on what's attractive to you, of course.

This makes sense, and I think it's a good approach. Alternately, there's always the choice of wearing an outfit that nets lots of compliments.

Personally, I like to wear an outfit that looks good (to me), but, more importantly, that feels sexy. I'm pretty sure that when I feel sexy, I project sexy, and that's a good thing to do on a first date (and even better on a second date!) So, what am I likely to wear? In the summer, which is, I must say, way better for flirty attire, I'm fond of flippy skirts and a lacy camisole. This ends up showing a fair amount of skin and being rather clingy, at least on top. I also have a couple of fun little dresses that I like. And, depending on how I want/expect the date to go, I may or may not wear panties. But that might be another post.

As for my dates, I'm not sure I care a whole lot about what they wear. For a first date, I like to get the impression that he's put a little effort into his attire, but it's far from a deal-breaker if he hasn't. I mock men whose pants fall off their hips at the slightest provocation, but I like it when I find that my date's pants needs only the most gentle encouragement once we're in the bedroom. I love touchable fabrics, as they give me an excuse to put my hands on him. And I really like my date to look comfortable in whatever he's wearing. That sexy thong isn't doing you any good if you spend the whole evening squirming as a result of wearing it, after all.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:59 PM in Q&A | Permalink | Comments (0)

As I think you all know, I'm a big fan of the "friends with benefits" (FWB) arrangement. This is where the friendship doesn't depend on the sex in order to be friendly. In the best FWB, we can have sex without it making our friendship awkward or weird, and we can not have sex without it making things uncomfortable, either. To me, this is the ideal of comfort with sexuality and friendship.

Does this mean I have sex with all of my friends? Of course not. Despite the fact that I have the hottest friends ever, I don't want to sleep with all of them. In fact, at any moment, I may not want to sleep with any of them. But those people with whom I'm closest, or with whom I have the most potential for closeness, are those with whom sex isn't a barrier or a hurdle or a tool. These are people with whom I have a deep comfort and usually expect to continue that.

I like the fluidity of FWB, the appreciation of friendship and sex without obsession or fetishization of the sexual dynamic. It's easy and pleasing.

On the other hand, of course, when it goes badly, it's not just some quick lay who I can write off easily. Instead, if things go sour, the friendship suffers, so you don't just lose a fun lay but also a friend.

Still, in my experience, this is rare, if eveyone goes into the encounter openly and honestly acknowledging what's happening and what, fi any, expectations there are about the dynamic. If fyou can do that, it's certainly worth trying.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:06 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (0)

Every once in a while, I get a response to an ad that goes, "Hey, [name], is that you?" Paula, Jenny, Jess, Laura... these are the names I use to think about the other women who post to CL. We're sort of a secret society, but we don't necessarily know each other. Presumably, when Joe Blow writes me wondering if I'm Nikki, it's because my ad sounds a lot like her. I'd probably like her. We'd sure as hell have fun comparing notes.

I always respond to these emails to say, no, sorry, I'm not Loryn or Mel, and I pretty much never hear back from the guy, either, and don't expect to. If he wanted any woman who fits a certain profile, he'd've written me a regular email. Instead, he wants the one woman he wants. If I could, though, I'd love to get her email address, send her a note, say hi, maybe get a drink.

I'm just an average kind of chick, after all, but it's fun to contemplate the other women who are out there having NSA fun like me. What we need is a pin we can wear like a secret handshake, so when we see each other in the supermarket, we can nod over the honeydew, smile a smug, secret smile, and share that moment of connection with a stranger -- fleeting, like a hookup, but lasting, too.

Posted by ClueChick at 12:18 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (3)

I know I can't expect to save the online hookup scene singlehandedly, especially not with a small (but loyal!) readership such as I have. But that doesn't stop me from being depressed when I get a response to an ad that says, in its entirety, "hit me back".

I mean, of course none of these guys have seen my blog, because they don't think they need help getting hookups, and if they don't get any, they figure it's because the women are fake or snobby (well, okay, snobby is right) or that the ads they're responding to are for spam or what have you. I don't even want to help these guys, so why do I care that they're still as clueless as before I started the blog?

I don't, really, and, yet, I can't help taking it personally when I get the same lameass responses. It's not that I want that guy to have improved, because if he's really that clueless, I'm glad to have an easy way to recognize him. Instead, it's that I want him to stop bothering me. Some brilliant geek needs to come up with a "lame response" filter for me.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:10 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (4)

Normally, I find the clumsy ads on CL sort of eye-rollingly pathetic, but there's something about this one that just tickled me. I think it's the part where this guy seems to think that facials are, like, the most extreme thing ever. And I'm charmed by the fact that he apologizes for any possible offense (on CE? really!). Plus, the mess of exclamation points at the end: I'm picturing this guy being from, oh, I don't know, Iowa or someplace really wholesome, where everyone has sex missionary-style with the lights out:

honest best policy ? my fantasy .....and you want what in return ???? - m4w

Ok here is my utmost fantasy and I cant shake it.. I am a white male, clean cut very fit and I have had the total fantasy for a very long time of either giving a woman a facial or shooting it right into her mouth while she stares at me...
I am very very clean cut and thought why not type this and see what happens, my hopes are low but nmaybe out here there is a female who would possibly want something I could provide in return for allowing me to live out this fantasy...
I know it is a little on the edge and I hope no one is offended by this post I just cant stop thinking about it. so if you might be willing to help me out please email me and let me know what you might want in return .!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by ClueChick at 4:50 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (4)

On the one hand, our society's fucked-up perspective on fucking really pisses me off: It's an essential function of life, without which none of us would be here, and is as natural as eating, sleeping or breathing. It feels good, it's good for us, and it's a supremely pleasant way to spend time, especially if you include the foreplay and the post-fuck makeout session in the equation. So why did all the uptight folks who think things that feel good are automatically bad have to get their nasty little knickers in a twist over it?

Thanks to their making sex a taboo topic, marketing firms can use sex to sell everything from beverages to cars to toothpaste but schools can't teach teenagers how to have safe sex and prevent unwanted pregnancies. Does this make sense? Not at all.

But I'll tell you what it does do: It makes for some really fucking hot fetishes. By making all sorts of bits and pieces and aspects of sex forbidden, we all have quirky and unexpected buttons and turnons. Do you think all those cultures where women run around bare-breasted and nursing their babies at every turn get the same thrill at a glimpse of nipple that Americans do? It seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?

By bringing more issues into sex, we provide for more twists and turns on what gets people off. I'm sure I'd still love the curve of my lover's lower back, the dimples at the top of his ass, even if I got to see naked people all the time, but the fact that I don't gives it an extra thrill. If we didn't bring power into sexual dynamics, I probably wouldn't get off as much on exchanging it with a partner.

Still, I'd trade a couple of kinks for a saner society. Since I don't get to make that trade, though, I might as well take advantage of the silver lining. Or whatever they're calling it these days.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:29 PM in politics | Permalink | Comments (5)

I swear I'm not making this up:

fun with marmalade - m4w - 30

i wanna slather marmalade all over your hot, steaming buttcheeks and then nibble it off like a chipmunk. sound good? let me know.

A chipmunk?? Is that sexy? What the hell??

He includes a cameraphone photo with the ad. Who wants to guess if it's his face or his cock?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:22 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm constantly surprised to see people looking for casual sex and drugs on CL and other sites. Maybe it's because my very first hookup was with a cop who told me that he likes to cruise CL for easy arrests, but it just strikes me as a bad idea.

Now, I've never used illegal drugs, and not because I have anything against them, but, really, mostly because I'm lazy and don't know where to find them and was busy being a goody-two-shoes during the years when my peers were getting busy experimenting with mood-altering substances. So I'm willing to assume that I'm missing something really, really hot by not mixing my sex with drugs.

But it still seems a little foolish to post about drugs on a public website, where the person responding might well be into what you're into, but could just as easily be a cop. Maybe I'm missing some magic code that people have, a secret handshake to allow each to prove to the other that they are for real? Still, I can't say I'd trust that in a casual setting.

Ultimately, I'm in favor of people making choices for themselves, including whether or not to use drugs, but given just how crazy drug laws are these days, I remain surprised what people are willing to put into "print".

Posted by ClueChick at 7:37 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (2)

On a whim, I recently painted my fingernails bright red. Normally, I'm more of a natural girl, and I don't bother with much in the way of makeup, but the nails are working for me, it turns out.

This has me thinking of the ways that trying on something out-of-our ordinary can help to move us into enjoying new things, or the same things in new ways.

I enjoy running my hand up my lover's thigh, but the bright red vampy nails add a whole additional level to that dynamic, and one I really didn't expect when I broke out the nail polish the other day.

The take-home lesson here, I think, is that it's good to shake things up, try new things, and do things in different-than-normal ways, because you never know what might surprise you delightfully.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:55 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (0)

First off, apologies to all y'all who tried to visit in the last day or so, during the time that the machine hosting my blog was offline. And, of course, many thanks to the valiant geeks behind the scenes who dealt with it to get things up and running again!

While we were offline, I wrote a post that I've since trashed because it was boring, so you all can count yourselves lucky that I couldn't post it.

Instead, I'll subject you to a bit of my ponderings. What inspired me to start this blog in the first place was my desire to share with all the guys looking to make casual hookup connections online the advice inspired by their missteps and painfully unfortunate attempts. A lot of that is really basic advice, but it's still satisfying for me to write it out. That said, though, I'm approaching the end of interesting things to say about that stuff, and although people do write me with questions fairly regularly, a lot of times, the questions aren't interesting/new enough to generate a blog post on them. So, what this means is that I'm probably going to shift a bit away from that original mission and get into more general musings and thoughts. I have no idea if this will make the blog more or less interesting for people, but I figure it's fair to give you all a heads up about it.

In truth, I don't have a good idea how it'll look in the coming months. I'm sure I'll still have pieces of advice and snarkage inspired by the men I encounter on CL and other places. And I'll still be pleased to take people's questions and comments: that sort of thing is always entertaing and frequently thought-provoking. But, amazingly, I'm pretty much out of unsolicited advice (well, in this realm, anyway), so I'll be mixing things up here a bit more.

Posted by ClueChick at 3:57 PM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (4)

I will be the first person to say that my little project of casual sex has helped me grow immensely as a person, both in myself and in my relationships, both sexual and otherwise. I've learned things about myself and general social conditioning that I could not have learned another way. In particular, my relationship to my body and to sex in general has improved immensely in the last couple of years, and I'm not sure that would have happened as quickly and easily if it hadn't been in the context of casual sex.

I've also learned, though, that a lot of people are looking to casual hookups to solve some pretty major issues and problems within themselves, from hangups about their sexuality, their kinks, their former relationships, to rebellion against social norms and mores that constrain them, and beyond. I am all for that kind of growth and exploration, and I'm pleased when a lover comes back to me and says, "Hey, that thing you said, that meant a lot to me, thanks."

But I am not signing up to be your capital-t Therapist. Just because we're fucking doesn't mean that I want to help you work through whatever shit it is you're dealing with in a focused way. If you start to talk about how much shame you've had about sex all these years, and I start to steer the conversation away, it would be good for you to let me.

Sure, sometimes pillow talk gets pretty intimate, and there's something about having that kind of conversation with a stranger that's uniquely freeing, but, as with other aspects of casual fucking, it's important to pay attention to whether your fuckee is getting something out of the experience, too. Unlike in a serious relationship, where lovers sign up to help each other deal with their shit, in casual relationships, getting into too much nitty-gritty can sour things quickly.

On the other hand, that kind of conversation can be pretty great. Just make sure that everyone's on board before your lay down on the couch.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:19 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (1)

Among the various warning flags I look for in early email exchanges with would-be lovers is the degree to which he seems to pay attention to what I say. I don't need a guy to remember that I said my cat was being fussy last night, but I do need him to remember that I said I don't like to be called "baby".

I don't know if it's true or not that a guy who can't be bothered to learn my preferences early on will be a guy who ignores my desires if it gets that far, but that's my working assumption, regardless. It's a bad sign if he's too hot to get his rocks off to realize that if he's not jerking himself off, it means there's another person in the equation.

I recently had an IM conversation with a guy who wanted to know when he could come over and get a blow job. Now, I like blow jobs as much as the next girl, maybe more, depending on who's next to me, and I can certainly enjoy the afternoon quickie, but I wasn't into it that day, and we hadn't met. I explained that I'd rather meet somewhere public, and he continued as though I hadn't said a thing. He could be here in an hour, he cajoled. When I demurred, he had nothing to offer but more insistence that I should say yes. Had he paid attention enough to know what I was saying, he could well have talked me into meeting him at the bar around the corner and, if all went well, a quickie after the fact.

But, no. Just as well; he sounds like a lazy lay, doesn't he?

Posted by ClueChick at 10:08 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, you've seen a great profile on a dating site, and you're sure that you can definitely show this woman the time of her life. But how do you get her attention??

Do you send her a message with the subject "hi" and a body of "nice profile!"? Are you surprised when you don't hear back from her?

Even on those dating sites where women aren't inundated by offers from men, both interesting and not, most women are just not going to waste their time on this sort of thing. At best, when I get a message like this, I roll my eyes and click "delete". At worst, I point my friends to the guy's profile (usually quite sparse if not totally empty) and mock him.

I'm far more likely to respond to a guy who calls out something in my profile: "I see you write a blog! That's cool, I love blogs," or "Hey, casual sex, that's hot!" I'm also more likely to respond to a guy whose profile contains useful information. I don't just care about your location (I'm only interested in local guys, or men who live in cities that I visit for work with some regularity), but also, oh, I don't know, what you're like. The great thing about profiles is that it's a one shot thing for you: you set it up and then you let it work for you! It's worth taking the time to make it good.

This is one of those things that seems so obvious as to be silly to point it out, but I've gotten 3 "hi" emails on OkCupid this week, so there you go.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:33 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (0)