ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

One of the (many) great things about the casual hookup, for me, is the opportunity to do things with a lover in an emotionally unloaded context. If you're anything like me on this point, you have sexual desires or interests that you want to play out but that are scarily revealing to ask of a regular lover or of someone who knows you or with whom you have an emotional entanglement. On the one hand, an emotional connection with a lover opens doors to a variety of activities that you couldn't do with a one night stand or a hoookup, but, on the other hand, that very openness closes doors to other avenues of exploration.

For me, historically, one of these has been exhibitionism. I know, it's probably surprising to all of you, who get to see me bare my slutty soul (or a portion of it, anyway), but I like to be watched.

...

Okay, maybe that's not surprising.

But, I have the damnedest time asking a lover to watch me get myself off, and it was only through super casual sex that I got to the point (now) where I can at least envision it. Why? Well, I assume my hangup has to do with feeling selfish, self-conscious, and certainly exposed, all of which are scarier with someone with whom I'm emotionally involved. Plus, I had this lover once who seemed to get bored when I was jilling off, which, no doubt, didn't help.

Just by chance, though, I recently had a hookup with a guy who first asked and then demanded that I get myself off while he watched. Now, sometimes that might be offputting, but in this case, it was just what I needed to convince me that, no, he really did want to watch me. And it has me thinking, hmm, maybe that means some other lovers would like to, too.

Now, no doubt some of you will write in saying, "Of course I like watching a woman get herself off! Have you never seen porn??" But the point here is that these hangups aren't always rational, and logic doesn't always shake them. But it turns out that a casual fuck can sometimes work wonders where wonders were never worked before.

Just as it is more convincing (though perhaps less meaningful) to be told I'm beautiful by a stranger than by my mother, hearing something from a casual sex partner can be more convincing, especially of a whole category, than someone who's invested in a sexual relationship with me.

Today, the casual lay; tomorrow, the regular lover.