ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

I will be the first person to say that my little project of casual sex has helped me grow immensely as a person, both in myself and in my relationships, both sexual and otherwise. I've learned things about myself and general social conditioning that I could not have learned another way. In particular, my relationship to my body and to sex in general has improved immensely in the last couple of years, and I'm not sure that would have happened as quickly and easily if it hadn't been in the context of casual sex.

I've also learned, though, that a lot of people are looking to casual hookups to solve some pretty major issues and problems within themselves, from hangups about their sexuality, their kinks, their former relationships, to rebellion against social norms and mores that constrain them, and beyond. I am all for that kind of growth and exploration, and I'm pleased when a lover comes back to me and says, "Hey, that thing you said, that meant a lot to me, thanks."

But I am not signing up to be your capital-t Therapist. Just because we're fucking doesn't mean that I want to help you work through whatever shit it is you're dealing with in a focused way. If you start to talk about how much shame you've had about sex all these years, and I start to steer the conversation away, it would be good for you to let me.

Sure, sometimes pillow talk gets pretty intimate, and there's something about having that kind of conversation with a stranger that's uniquely freeing, but, as with other aspects of casual fucking, it's important to pay attention to whether your fuckee is getting something out of the experience, too. Unlike in a serious relationship, where lovers sign up to help each other deal with their shit, in casual relationships, getting into too much nitty-gritty can sour things quickly.

On the other hand, that kind of conversation can be pretty great. Just make sure that everyone's on board before your lay down on the couch.