ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

One of the things I hate to see -- and it's all too common -- is a nice guy whose lack of confidence and social skills handicaps his options for sex and romance.

Last week, I was at a friend's house for a party, and a fellow I didn't know approached me to introduce himself in that purposeful way that told me he was interested not just 'cause I seemed nice but because he thought I was attractive. Great! We started chatting, and another man joined us. Great, it's a party, we're all chatting, and Guy #1 asks me a question about something I'm passionate about, and I launch into talking about it. Guy #2 breaks in with, essentially, "Let me guess your sign!" and then explaining his thinking when it turned out he guessed wrong. (Note: He did not literally try to guess my sign, but, rather, my origin based on my accent.)

This guy, despite sounding like a complete tool, actually seemed pretty nice. At other points in the conversation, he had interesting things to say, but they were rarely relevant to what other people were talking about. If he didn't know much about the current subject, he had to turn it to something he did know about, even if it meant dragging everyone with him to a topic they weren't interested in, or away from one they were. Unlike someone with a more laid-back and comfortable social style, he was not content to let the conversation drift into waters where he had to listen rather than talk.

This was extra-annoying because I really wanted to connect with Guy #1, but, in truth, it would have been annoying at any time. Conversation is a shared experience, and while it's not rare for me to find someone who can go on and on about a topic in a way that's interesting to me, even if the topic isn't one I would normally be passionate about, but it's essential to pay attention to your conversation partners' level of interest and involvement.

So, a few practical notes on this front, if you think you might sometimes steamroll a conversation:

* Watch eye-movements: If the person you're talking to starts the conversation with a lot of eye contact and the more you talk, spends more time looking away, especially to the side or to other people in the room, as though looking for an escape, it may be time to let him or her talk.

* Pay attention to body language: The more I want to escape a conversation, the more I will turn my body away from the speaker. If you're talking to my shoulder, you can be sure I'm finding you annoying.

* Listen: This one is pretty obvious, but, really, so few people do it. If you're actually listening to the conversation and what the other person is saying, instead of thinking of the next thing you want to say and then jumping it with it at your first opportunity, you're going to seem a lot more interesting and engaged. In fact, you may find that you are, in fact, more engaged.

The puppydogging approach of running from one topic of expertise to another only makes you look desperate and clumsy. And we all know that's never hot.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:35 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (4)

You know what I hate? I hate it when I write a really great email or ad or post and proofread it carefully before exposing it to public view and only later discover that I've completely blown it an sent something totally wrong and not a little embarrassing. Is there any way to recover? I sure wish I didn't have to!

We all make typos, and thus, I generally expect that people will make allowances for mine, and I try to do so for others. But I also get a kick out of them. My favorite recent ones include, "I can hose or come to your place..." and the guy who typoed his own name.

All that said, it's better not to make typos. No, this isn't a job search, but if you're trying to pick up an intelligent woman, you're going to want to look as well-polished (while still real) as you can, and typos don't help.

On the other hand, better a typo than an entirely garbled message. One of my friends pulled that little maneuver a while back, and I'll have to post about it sometime soon. It's a great story, and he's told me it's okay for me to share it.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:35 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have a little cold, which, naturally, I abhor. Also, you know what they say about women's sex drive at 30? It's completely true. this is an unfortunate combination.

What I'd like is for someone to start a business screening hot 18 year old men for personality, enthusiasm and attentiveness (and also things like STDs, etc) and keep a database of them. Then, old-but-lazy-but-frisky women such as myself could just call in and place an order...

Oh, right, I know that sort of thing is illegal, but wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a society that was healthy enough about sexuality that that sort of thing could be totally consensual, hot and non-creepy?

Posted by ClueChick at 10:03 PM in snarky | Permalink | Comments (4)

One of the most frequent lines in profiles, ads and email responses is, "Please send a pic. Attraction is important!"

This is, of course, entirely true. I, too, am much happier seeing a picture of a guy I might meet, for a variety of reasons, from assuming that I'll be able to tell if he's too old for me to assuming I'll be able to tell if he's hot or not. I also assume that everyone meeting up with people through online connections has a picture and understand that we're all at least a little shallow.

The attraction is important like always strikes me as an attempt not to look shallow, which, conversely, always makes me think that guy is extra shallow, because not only is he concerned with looks, but he's going to some effort to make out like he's not.

You don't need to apologize to me for caring about looks. I care, too. Everyone does. You're right; attraction is important. But you may find that you can't tell attraction from a photo. Certainly, I've found on more than one occasion, someone whose photo made me go "eh" had a real zing in person.

I'll mock you for asking for my picture but not providing one of yourself. I'll mock you for pretending you're just gauging levels of attraction when you're actually gauging levels of attractiveness. But I won't mock you for being up front and saying that appearance matters, because we all know it does. Pussyfooting around it doesn't make you look any better.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:49 PM in real ads | Permalink | Comments (2)

After meeting a new guy for a drink, I'm home early and enjoying the quiet of a weekend night. I remember once upon a time when being by myself on a Friday or Saturday night felt like a huge social failure, one that I repeated many times, often imagining the cool kids out having all kinds of cool fun that I couldn't even imagine.

Now, with life running me up one side and down the other, a mellow evening at home is always a treat. A dip in the tub, a little self-grooming, paint my nails, put brown mud all over my face and eat cherry cordials in front of a stupid movie? Could there be a more perfect evening?

Somewhere between the ages of 15 and 28 or 29, I stopped sweating the "date nights" at home. That's about the time that I started to be really content with myself, I'd say, and with that, I discovered a certain freedom from imagined social pressures. That's not to say I don't like a nice date on a Friday night, but I know it's not any kind of statement of worth to have one or lack of worth not to.

It's too bad, though, that Mr. Drink wasn't more fun, 'cause I sure am horny.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:32 PM in uncategorizable introspection | Permalink | Comments (2)

What, exactly, is an "upidity cunt"? Do you think I am one? I'm gonna go with yes on that.

I don't understand why people bother sending me long rants in response to my CL ads. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen from time to time, and they range from coherent and hateful screeds against women who have sex to bizarre and irrelevant ramblings about... I can't really tell.

But I wonder what they're expecting. Are they hoping I'll write back, infuriated by their comments? Maybe they think this will make them stand out from the crowd? Or perhaps they figure I didn't know that I was living a life of sin and their email will save me?

It seems like a lot of trouble to go to share your opinion with an anonymous stranger who is extraordinarily unlikely to respond. Where's the satisfaction in that?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:31 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sometimes, I think casual sex is a great way for me to get over fears. Not fears like spiders or heights, but social fears, like, "Boys never think I'm hot," or "I'm too shy to go out and try something wild," or "I was the big dork in high school and why do I think I'm any different now that I'm 30?"

Other times, I think casual sex is a great way for me to avoid facing fears. Fears like, "Am I just fucking around for validation that I can't get elsewhere?" or "Do I like casual sex because it means I don't have to be vulnerable to anyone?"

Posted by ClueChick at 5:26 PM in uncategorizable introspection | Permalink | Comments (2)

I arrange most of my hookups by way of Craig's List, as you all know, and specifically the casual encounters section. I've taken to joking with my friends that you can get anything you want on CL: a new bed, a language class, a lover. I love the internet!

And CE is pretty clear: people are looking for hookups, FWB, what have you. So I'm always confused when I get a response from someone saying he's looking for The One. I, of course, am lacking the tendency toward traditional romance, anyway, and this whole "The One" concept is like a foreign language to me. But even setting that aside, I can't help wondering what's wrong with these guys who are looking for something serious on a board that's explicitly and specifically for non-attached hookups?

Do they want something casual but think their odds will be better if they make out like they're big romantics? Do they want something serious and have struck out with all the women who are on the road to marriage? Are they just deeply, deeply confused?

I always want to write these guys back and say, "Listen, that's sweet and all, but you look kind of pathetic and unfortunate when you start trolling the casual board for your one-and-only." I know that more than one long term relationship has come out of what was supposed to be a fling, and maybe there are women who are specifically hoping for that. But all that faking around would make me worry about what kind of honesty I was about to get in a relationship.

But, then, honesty -- and I don't mean honesty about, say, minor details, but, rather, honesty and forthrightness about how one is oriented towards oneself and the world -- seems not to be a huge priority for a lot of people. No wonder so many people end up unhappy.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:29 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (3)

So, there was this guy. He responded to an ad of mine and seemed interesting, so I wrote back. He responded to that with his IM handle. Cool. Then, he wrote again 10 minutes later to say that if I wasn't interested, I should let him know. Hmm. This was a bad sign: paranoia and clinginess when I don't write an email right away does not bode well for a casual relationship. Still, it wasn't a deal breaker, so we arranged to talk later in the day on Thursday:

cluechick: hey
random dude: hey, how's it going?
cc: okay, thanks, you?
rd: okay
cc: still catching up on sleep from last weekend
rd: yeah? what did you do that you're so tired?
cc: oh, I had a big weekend with friends
cc: it was really busy, and I didn't get a lot of sleep
rd: what were you doing?
cc: *launches into explanation of the weekend*
rd: can I say something?
rd: just lay off all this shit and talk to me, we're not getting any younger
cc: uh. I'm sorry, I assumed when you asked me a question, you actually wanted me to answer your question
cc: my bad
rd: lol what question? I didn't ask you anything!
cc: *pastes his question back to him*
rd: Yeah, I asked what you were doing and you just started rambling on and on
cc: ...
cc: I'm sorry, this whole exchange is really rubbing me the wrong way
rd: well, chill out! lol you don't have to take it so seriously
cc: wow, condescending much?
rd: only when people don't understand my yankie sarcasm
cc: I'm not feeling motivated to continue this conversation
rd: what??

I can't make this shit up.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:28 PM in IMs | Permalink | Comments (9)

Stupid things to say or include in your initial email to a new prospect:

- "I have been told by others that I'm a nice/sweet guy." This makes me wonder a) what he thinks of himself and b) does he agree with others' assessments? The best time to use the "other people tell me" approach is when describing yourself physically, if you feel awkward saying, "Hey, baby, I'm as hot as the day is long!" But when describing your personality, it's really better to use your own words.

- A school photo. You know that grey-blue mottled background that every school photographer in the world uses? It's unmistakable. That picture is not sexy. Also, you're probably wasting your time writing a 30 year old, just fyi.

- "Hi," cc'd to all 15 women posting to CE that day. This one just makes me laugh.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:19 AM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (4)

Today's classy come-on, from a dating site:

LOOK YOUR GOOD LOOKING YOU SOMETHINGS WE LIKE, ITS SEEMS LIKE YOU MAYBE WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR DONT,KNOW REALLY UNTIL WE CHAT SOME AND GO FROM THERE THROW ME A BONE WILL YA

Of course, the profile is empty and tells me only that this is a MF couple living in my state.

I can't even figure out what this person is saying. Well, okay, I know what s/he's saying (fuck us!), but, sadly, I have no bones for them.

Posted by ClueChick at 2:11 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (2)

Poetry is a very iffy way to get a woman's attention. Have you seen how much crappy poetry there is out there? No, seriously, there's a lot. I'm sure the people writing it think it's good, but, wow, it hurts. And not in a fun way.

Therefore, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if your inclination is to respond to an ad for casual sex with poetry, don't. Poetry can be romantic, and it can be hot, but most often, it falls flat and is, frankly, a little embarrassing.

For example:

Subject: may the winds of romance bring the warmth of love (pick Me)

Body: Like roses in a garden, Kindness fills the air With a
certain bit of sweetness as it touches
everywhere For kindness is a circle that never, never
ends may the love we find just
begins I hope you like my poam, lets meet

Okay, now, to be fair, this guy obviously doesn't know the difference between casual sex and... uh... kindness? Love? I'm unclear, too. But what he needs, perhaps more than relationship advice, is an editor. What's with the weird capitalization? We're not even talking about Victorian capitalization of Significant Words here, since "with" and "for" get capitalized along with "kindness". Hmm. And I'm sorry to say that "poam" is self-snarking, because I'd really like to go somewhere with that, but I just can't.

I've read some hot poetry that would totally catch my eye as a response to a casual sex ad, but, somehow, it's never what shows up in my inbox. If you're inclined to go that route, run it by a few friends, first. Or, in a pinch, me. Because although I may laugh, I'm unlikely to be sleeping with you, anyway, and you know I'll tell you if it sucks.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:54 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (2)

One of my favorite flubs, when men are responding to an ad I've posted on CL, is when he sends me multiple emails, clearly having forgotten who he's already responded to that day. I say this is a favorite flub for a couple of reasons. First, I have done this. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but there was an ad that was SO great that I agonized about responding to it, and then, after a long time, I did, but I'd spent so long thinking about what I might say that I... forgot that I had actually gone ahead and said some of it. So I wrote another email and sent it off.

Needless to say, the guy thought this was a riot, and also liked my enthusiasm, so it wasn't all bad.

Of course, normally when a guy sends me more than one email in response to a particular ad, it's a cut-and-paste job, which makes it less flattering. I don't know if he's sending it to me twice because he liked my ad both times he looked at it or if he just lost track of where in the w4m ads he left off. Still, as flubs go, this one is pretty harmless. On those occasions when I find him appealing enough to respond, I usually mention, with a gentle jab, the fact that he wrote me twice. The good ones respond with humor.

It's also revealing when the same guy sends me two emails that are different. This is rare, but it's happened a couple of times. In one case, we were clearly not a match, so I was sorry to have to decline his enthusiasm, but the second time, we clicked very well, and in that case, his enthusiasm worked in his favor.

I don't know that I'd suggest this as a deliberate attention-getting approach, but it is, at the least, a good case for doing a bit of personalizing of each email so she knows you're not a total cut-and-paster.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:04 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (0)

A funny thing about photographs is that, despite the fact that they are actual pictures of actual people, they're still not the same as looking at someone in real life. Oh, sure, there are the problems of the out-of-date photograph, from five years or many pounds ago, or the photo from a special event, showing him doing something he never really does (motorcycles, anyone?)

But even a good photograph only gives a snapshot of a person, which can be a fine stand-in with someone I know, but I often find that pictures don't really look like the person I meet, not because they're misleading, but simply because no one ever looks, in life, as still as they do in a photo. And sometimes the look that's captured on his face is one that's often there, and sometimes, it's not. And there's no way to know before getting to know him!

I suppose it would be too much to ask for guys to put together five minute audition videos, huh?

Posted by ClueChick at 10:02 PM in | Permalink | Comments (2)

I spent most of the weekend wearing a blindfold. What fun stuff did you do?

Posted by ClueChick at 8:26 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (6)

You know what I think of men who ignore what I tell them? Not much.

I'm consistently amazed at how often this comes up. I often end up conversing with fellows who seem nice enough, but for whatever reason, I'm not interested in hooking up with them. Most often, this is because they're married and cheating, or looking to cheat. I like getting to know new people, but I don't lead anyone on: If you're cheating, I'm not gonna do you, and that's that. But the reason I'm not interested isn't important. The point is, sometimes, I'm not interested in fucking a guy or flirting with him, but I'd be content to chat with him.

A good 80% of the time, though, after I say that I'm not interested in hooking up and that, in fact, I'm not even interested in flirting, they say they're happy to talk. Then, predictably, they start to flirt. Then they complain when I don't flirt back.

"But you're so hot!"

Somehow, apparently, these guys think that just because they find me attractive, I'm somehow obligated to flirt with them. Or maybe they think that if they tell me I'm hot, I'll find myself unable to resist flirting back?

In fact, what I find myself unable to resist is thinking they're assholes.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:02 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (4)

Okay, so I've been talking vaguely about this great vacation fling I had the other week, but I haven't given you all any good details. Also, I promised yesterday that I would talk about the kind of pick-up that actually gets me into bed. Conveniently, these two themes fit together nicely.

I was on vacation, and I was getting hit on a lot, because that's what happens to women visiting beachy tourist spots, but, for the most part, the men hitting on me weren't interesting to me, until my friends and I went to what we'd taken to calling the restaurant with the hot waiters. (All the restaurants on the island are open-air, so you can preview the waitstaff, and we'd been walking by this place for a couple of days and commenting on the cute staff.) So, we got a table, sat down, and started flirting with the waiter.

(Guys, this is a good time for me to mention that if a strange woman is flirting with you, that's a very good sign, but it's not a slam-dunk, so don't get your hopes up just yet.)

One of my girlfriends seemed to hit it off with our waiter, which was fine, because one of the other waiters was more to my taste. (He had these really hot, geeky glasses. Be still my heart!) So, every time "my" waiter walked by, I made eye contact with him and held it just a little longer than would be accidental. Eye contact, we all know, is key in flirtation and pick-ups.

Soon after that, our waiter handed our table over to "my" waiter, and we got on with the serious flirtation. He was friendly but not fawning, attentive but not desperate. It was great. I'm a pretty shameless flirt, and given a responsive partner in flirtation, whether it's going anywhere or not, I'm completely happy. Also, as it turns out, this gets you better service, if the object of your flirtation is a server. We got a free carafe of wine, for example, and our water glasses were never empty.

Ultimately, however, I'm a chicken, so as our meal was winding down, I hit the point where I wasn't going to be able to move things any further along. This is, largely, because I'm shy, and just like anyone, I fear rejection. Luckily for me, as a woman, this doesn't mean I have to go home alone at the end of the night. I know this sucks for you guys out there, especially the shy ones, and I feel your pain. I figured I'd had fun flirting, and that would be that, when our (my) waiter came to the table with a round of complimentary nightcaps and a card for free drinks for the three of us (classy) at a bar nearby. He told us when he'd be done at work and would be at the bar.

Let me interrupt my story for little bit of commentary, here. First, this guy was paying enough attention to know I was flirting with him, and to play it up. He didn't jump the gun and try to invite us out in the first gambit of the conversation, but he also didn't wait until we were actually departing the restaurant. Of course, he had the advantage of knowing we'd be there for a while, which isn't necessarily true of a woman you might want to hit up in a cafe or a bar, but if you know you have plenty of time, using all of it is absolutely the way to go. He was funny and charming, and when the time came to step up and move things from casual flirtation to serious intent, he did it smoothly and without pressure. He was clearly interested in me, but he included my friends in the invitation, which is both obvious and genius. Very few guys do this, despite it being obvious, but it'll increase your odds a lot, because a woman is unlikely to want to go into a strange situation by herself, and also, because it's just good manners.

Now, it turns out my friends couldn't come to the bar because they were getting up early the next morning. (I was on vacation, which meant no plans that involved having to be up before 10am for me.) We told him this, so he wouldn't bring friends along to flirt with my friends, and he and I agreed we'd see each other later. I told him my name and offered him my hand to shake, which he, of course, kissed. This move can be cheesy, but in this case, it really worked, but, then, I'd already decided I'd be sleeping with him later.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:57 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (1)

Continuing my discussion of pick-ups and picking up random people out and about, today I'll answer G's question about how someone can successfully approach me without seeming creepy.

First, if you define a "successful" approach as one where we end up having coffee together later, or, even more challenging, having sex later, very few people manage this on a random pass. It's not that I'm not willing, but, really, how often is it that the person who chats you up is someone who catches your imagination and has the follow through to make it happen? It turns out that it's pretty rare.

So, there are two versions of success here, and the first is easier. This is where you make your move, we have an enjoyable conversation, I feel pleased that you were interested enough to strike up a conversation and totally not skeeved out by the fact that you were invading my personal space, and, with any luck, you don't feel like I kicked you in the shins (or elsewhere) with a rude rejection.

In order for me not to feel skeeved out, there are a few things over which you don't have much control, and the main one is that you don't look like you're old enough to be my dad. I know there are lots of women who go for much older guys, but I get totally creeped out by that whole social phenomenon. If you're an older guy who's into younger women, you're just going to have to deal with some of the women you approach looking at you like you're creepy, because, well, that's what we think. Sorry.

Mostly, though, you do have control, but not in the moment, over a lot of the things that can put a big red X on my split-second impression of you: Have you showered recently? If you're sweaty from playing ball with your friends, that's one thing, but if you've been marinating for a couple of days and I can tell, you're not getting anywhere. Similarly, you don't have to look like you stepped out of GQ, but it'll help if you look relatively put-together. I don't mind if you're a carpenter and you're covered with sawdust, but I might mind if you get it all over my nice suit, so if your attire is very mismatched from mine, you'll get points if you show me you're aware of it.

But, really, assuming you shower regularly and know how to operate a toothbrush, most of what matters is in the interaction. How do you get my attention? Don't, for goodness sake, grab my elbow as I walk by you. Don't touch my hair; don't grab my ass. These are all obvious, right? And, yet, I've had men do all of the above. The best thing to do is to get my attention verbally. A witty comment can be entertaining, but, really, "Hello, my name is Joe," will also work. (Unless your name is Eric, in which case, it would be confusing for you to introduce yourself as Joe.) If we're in a loud venue, it's okay to touch me lightly in an "unloaded" way (shoulder, elbow) while also saying, "Excuse me."

Once you've started the conversation, you need to remember that you started it. Don't make me carry the whole thing, because if I'd been dying to have a conversation with a stranger, I'd've started one already, right? Have a few questions ready, or a quick story, or tell me why you're approaching me. What you say matters some, but, mostly, it's how you're interacting with me that will decide me in the next 30 seconds as to whether I want to keep talking to you. Do you look me in the eye? Do you pay attention to my body language? Do you carry yourself confidently but without taking up more space than you need to? These are all great things. On the other hand, if you move in too close, or if you're awkward, you're going to make me feel awkward, too.

Unfortunately, I don't have a quick run-down on how to read body language, but I'm going to do a bit of net searching in the next few days to see if I find anything quick and useful. The main thing to remember, though, is even if you think I'm hot, I'm just a regular person. Be complimentary but not fawning. Don't treat me like a bitch, a slut or a goddess. Think of me as, oh, I don't know, a person. No, really.

Gosh, this has gotten long. Tomorrow, I'll talk about what it takes to go from pickup to the bedroom with me.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:23 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thanks, guys, for your comments on who you make passes at last week. I have a two-part response, the first, which I'll write here, is a bit more about why I was asking, and the second, which I'll write in the next day or two, will answer G's question as to how someone can successfully approach me.

The reason that I asked in the first place, though, is that I get hit on a lot, but I don't really understand why. I'm basically average in terms of attractiveness. Some people find me hot, others find me unattractive, and probably most people don't notice me much one way or the other. But still, I get a lot of pick-up attempts out in the world, which can be entertaining, flattering, disturbing and baffling.

So, I got to wondering if men know why they hit on particular women. Is it a conscious thing? "She's hot, and I'd like to get to know/do her." Or is it an unconscious thing, relating to how she looks, moves, smells, or whatever? What is it about me that means I get hit on when my friends don't?

The most compelling theory is that I smile a lot, and I make eye-contact with people on the street. This probably makes me seem approachable. Also, I have a pretty "wholesome" look, which may make me less intimidating. Still, that doesn't really explain the guy who asked me to join him for coffee after riding up an escalator in front of him (presumably, he liked my ass.)

This comes up now because of the experience I had on my recent vacation, where things were more blatant than usual, which is not uncommon in my experience of tropical vacationy places, and I actually got stopped on the street more than once by a man who wanted to offer me... well, I wasn't always sure, since I didn't speak the language. But still. Meanwhile, the friends I was with didn't have such a dramatically remarkable experience, which, as you might imagine, got me thinking.

All of that also reminds me that I haven't told you all about the hot fling I had on my vacation, either. It's proof that pickups can work. But I'll have to save that story for another post, too.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:32 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (5)