ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

One of the things I hate to see -- and it's all too common -- is a nice guy whose lack of confidence and social skills handicaps his options for sex and romance.

Last week, I was at a friend's house for a party, and a fellow I didn't know approached me to introduce himself in that purposeful way that told me he was interested not just 'cause I seemed nice but because he thought I was attractive. Great! We started chatting, and another man joined us. Great, it's a party, we're all chatting, and Guy #1 asks me a question about something I'm passionate about, and I launch into talking about it. Guy #2 breaks in with, essentially, "Let me guess your sign!" and then explaining his thinking when it turned out he guessed wrong. (Note: He did not literally try to guess my sign, but, rather, my origin based on my accent.)

This guy, despite sounding like a complete tool, actually seemed pretty nice. At other points in the conversation, he had interesting things to say, but they were rarely relevant to what other people were talking about. If he didn't know much about the current subject, he had to turn it to something he did know about, even if it meant dragging everyone with him to a topic they weren't interested in, or away from one they were. Unlike someone with a more laid-back and comfortable social style, he was not content to let the conversation drift into waters where he had to listen rather than talk.

This was extra-annoying because I really wanted to connect with Guy #1, but, in truth, it would have been annoying at any time. Conversation is a shared experience, and while it's not rare for me to find someone who can go on and on about a topic in a way that's interesting to me, even if the topic isn't one I would normally be passionate about, but it's essential to pay attention to your conversation partners' level of interest and involvement.

So, a few practical notes on this front, if you think you might sometimes steamroll a conversation:

* Watch eye-movements: If the person you're talking to starts the conversation with a lot of eye contact and the more you talk, spends more time looking away, especially to the side or to other people in the room, as though looking for an escape, it may be time to let him or her talk.

* Pay attention to body language: The more I want to escape a conversation, the more I will turn my body away from the speaker. If you're talking to my shoulder, you can be sure I'm finding you annoying.

* Listen: This one is pretty obvious, but, really, so few people do it. If you're actually listening to the conversation and what the other person is saying, instead of thinking of the next thing you want to say and then jumping it with it at your first opportunity, you're going to seem a lot more interesting and engaged. In fact, you may find that you are, in fact, more engaged.

The puppydogging approach of running from one topic of expertise to another only makes you look desperate and clumsy. And we all know that's never hot.