ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Continuing my discussion of pick-ups and picking up random people out and about, today I'll answer G's question about how someone can successfully approach me without seeming creepy.

First, if you define a "successful" approach as one where we end up having coffee together later, or, even more challenging, having sex later, very few people manage this on a random pass. It's not that I'm not willing, but, really, how often is it that the person who chats you up is someone who catches your imagination and has the follow through to make it happen? It turns out that it's pretty rare.

So, there are two versions of success here, and the first is easier. This is where you make your move, we have an enjoyable conversation, I feel pleased that you were interested enough to strike up a conversation and totally not skeeved out by the fact that you were invading my personal space, and, with any luck, you don't feel like I kicked you in the shins (or elsewhere) with a rude rejection.

In order for me not to feel skeeved out, there are a few things over which you don't have much control, and the main one is that you don't look like you're old enough to be my dad. I know there are lots of women who go for much older guys, but I get totally creeped out by that whole social phenomenon. If you're an older guy who's into younger women, you're just going to have to deal with some of the women you approach looking at you like you're creepy, because, well, that's what we think. Sorry.

Mostly, though, you do have control, but not in the moment, over a lot of the things that can put a big red X on my split-second impression of you: Have you showered recently? If you're sweaty from playing ball with your friends, that's one thing, but if you've been marinating for a couple of days and I can tell, you're not getting anywhere. Similarly, you don't have to look like you stepped out of GQ, but it'll help if you look relatively put-together. I don't mind if you're a carpenter and you're covered with sawdust, but I might mind if you get it all over my nice suit, so if your attire is very mismatched from mine, you'll get points if you show me you're aware of it.

But, really, assuming you shower regularly and know how to operate a toothbrush, most of what matters is in the interaction. How do you get my attention? Don't, for goodness sake, grab my elbow as I walk by you. Don't touch my hair; don't grab my ass. These are all obvious, right? And, yet, I've had men do all of the above. The best thing to do is to get my attention verbally. A witty comment can be entertaining, but, really, "Hello, my name is Joe," will also work. (Unless your name is Eric, in which case, it would be confusing for you to introduce yourself as Joe.) If we're in a loud venue, it's okay to touch me lightly in an "unloaded" way (shoulder, elbow) while also saying, "Excuse me."

Once you've started the conversation, you need to remember that you started it. Don't make me carry the whole thing, because if I'd been dying to have a conversation with a stranger, I'd've started one already, right? Have a few questions ready, or a quick story, or tell me why you're approaching me. What you say matters some, but, mostly, it's how you're interacting with me that will decide me in the next 30 seconds as to whether I want to keep talking to you. Do you look me in the eye? Do you pay attention to my body language? Do you carry yourself confidently but without taking up more space than you need to? These are all great things. On the other hand, if you move in too close, or if you're awkward, you're going to make me feel awkward, too.

Unfortunately, I don't have a quick run-down on how to read body language, but I'm going to do a bit of net searching in the next few days to see if I find anything quick and useful. The main thing to remember, though, is even if you think I'm hot, I'm just a regular person. Be complimentary but not fawning. Don't treat me like a bitch, a slut or a goddess. Think of me as, oh, I don't know, a person. No, really.

Gosh, this has gotten long. Tomorrow, I'll talk about what it takes to go from pickup to the bedroom with me.