How do I handle my partner's problems? With care.
Today, I address a question from a reader, which I got ages ago and just rediscovered:
Should a guy just listen, or try to solve the his girl's problems?
My friends joke about "male answer syndrome," which is what happens when they talk to their boyfriends about a problem and the boyfriend immediately starts offering solutions, even if they're just looking to vent.
I've seen this pattern repeat itself irrespective of gender, though, so let's broaden out the question a bit. This isn't just a matter of how a guy should be with his girlfriend's problems, but how people, in general, can be helpful to each other.
First, if you have a problem, you can help yourself by being clear on whether you're looking for sympathy or suggestions. I'm often looking for sympathy and rarely for suggestions, personally, and I can save myself the aggravation of unwanted advice if I start the conversation with, "I just need to vent." That way, I figure I'm perfectly justified in biting the head off the imprudent person who tries to tell me what to do!
But many people don't do that. So, say you have a lover who's talking about an issue. What should you do? I suggest a clarifying question: "Are you looking for ideas or advice, or just a listening ear?" That's really the only way to know what the right approach is. Save this question for later, too, because the answer will be different in future conversations, as well.
Sadly, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. If only life were so easy. Of course, then I'd be complaining about it being dull.
