ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Just a little note to you all that I'll be offline this week for a bit of vacation. Happy holidays to everyone who has one you celebrate this time of year!

Posted by ClueChick at 10:15 PM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (0)

This week, I got an email that said, in full, "Your profile was perfect until you got to the nonmonogamous part. Too bad. I guess I'll go have dinner alone..."

Now, I know you guys have a hard time in the dating world. It can be tough to meet someone who strikes your fancy, and I know it's demoralizing not to hear back from the women you write to.

So I have to wonder, why bother writing to someone who exhibits one of your deal-breakers? I assume he was hoping that I would write back and say, "Hey, that thing in my profile? I was just kidding!" Silly.

Two points here: First, when you're writing a profile, there are a multitude of things you can mention. Therefore, everything you do bring up, you have gone out of your way to do so. Thus, second, when you're responding to a profile, the things that are mentioned are the ones that are important enough to bring to the fore. The conclusions one can draw from these two points are left as an exercise for the reader.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:04 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (0)

In the world of online hookups, there are a lot of standards. There's the one night stand, the friends with benefits, the intense fling, the flaccid coffee date... Every once in a while, though, something creeps up behind me and throws a twist into the mix.

I was recently contacted by an artist who's into erotic paintings. And was he looking for models to come to his studio for "modeling sessions"? That is, naturally, what I expected as I opened his email. But, no, he was looking for couples who would be willing to have sex for the camera so he could use the images for source material in his paintings.

Well, damn, that's a new one on me! I'm something of a shy exhibitionist, and having my photo taken while fucking had never made it to my list, much less my "top ten" list, of things to try. But, hey, I'm game, and I have a lover who also has been known to enjoy a bit of exhibitionism, so I called him up, and we met the artist, and we thought, "Why, what the hell?" Okay, maybe we actually thought, "That sounds new and hot!"

So we did! And it was, in fact, new and hot. (The hotness was increased by the studio lights, I'll admit. If you're ever fucking under studio lights, I recommend doing it in the winter and with a window open.) Now, the only other time I've had sex in the presence of people-not-my-lover was at a party where other folks were doing other things while also watching us. Being the center of attention was quite different! It took a while to get into things, but once we relaxed into things, it was a lot of fun.

Quite a lot of fun, in fact. It's one of those things that seems like I would do better the second or third time. I guess I'll have to find another photographer.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:43 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (2)

I like it when a guy goes out of his way to impress me. Who doesn't, after all, like to be wooed? It's especially nice when it's a surprise, so I'm not, actually, much of a fan of the hallmark holidays. Oh, sure, it's nice to get a little gift on valentine's day from a sweetheart, but isn't it even better when it's just out of the blue, a little, "I'm thinking of you!"?

Yes, I think so, too!

Posted by ClueChick at 9:42 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (1)

The corollary to last night's post is the other side of things: we need to mean no when we say it, and say no when that's what we mean.

Unfortunately, it can be ridiculously difficult to say no. We're all trained, socially, to be amiable and friendly, and, in general, saying no is not friendly. We don't want to let someone down; we don't want to hurt someone's feelings; we don't want to come off as a bitch or as cold or... whatever.

So, instead, frequently, we hedge. We imply that even though it's no right now, maybe we'll change our minds later, even if we know we won't. We say no with a little laugh to soften the blow. We waffle.

Sometimes, we say no, but it's hard to say no, to reject someone, so upon repeated requests, each tiem, we soften it, until "no" becomes, "oh, sure, maybe just this once."

Other times, we say no and don't mean it. Maybe we want to be talked into something. Maybe we meant no when we said it but were willing to change our minds a little later on.

We are all responsible for this mess. Men, who are most frequently in the position of the suitor, asking, persisting, it is your job to listen to a no, even when it sounds like she may not mean it. There's a lesson here for her, too, after all, that pretending nonconsent muddies the waters for everyone. Women, who are most frequently declining someone's advances, don't say no if you really mean, "Talk me into it." It's not fair to yourself or to him.

And, of course, don't forget that sometimes it's he who says no, and she who persists, and that doesn't really change the fact that no means no. Or ought to, at least.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:48 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (2)

Let's say you're meeting a woman face-to-face after having met online. She tells you that it's just a meeting in public, and she won't take it to a private setting that meeting, and you agree.

You enjoy meeting each other and hit it off conversationally. You think to yourself, "I know she said it wasn't going to go anywhere tonight, but maybe..." So, you make the offer to go back to your place or hers. She declines good-naturedly, in a way that makes it clear she's not offended. Maybe she even indicates regret as she does so.

If you are not sleazy, you will leave it at that. You may hope that she'll change her mind, but any further pressure from you on this point makes you a jerk. Why? Because she has been clear, and you agreed to the terms of the meeting from the outset. One proposal of a change of plans indicates your openness to that option, should it become available. Pushing beyond that indicates that you aren't going to listen to me when I tell you no. Guess what that means?

It means that I'm not going to get into a situation with you where your ignoring my "no" puts me in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. So, I actually appreciate your giving me warning right up front that you're That Guy.

But maybe you're not That Guy. Maybe you just think that this is what you're supposed to do, or that I will forget that you would like to take me home if you don't reiterate it regularly? Maybe you're really, honestly a nice guy and you think that women say no when they really mean yes.

Unfortunately, some women do do that. But here's a question for you: Do you really want to be with a woman who isn't willing or able to make an affirmative choice? And do you really want to be with a woman whose "no" may or may not mean no? Doesn't that seem just a little risky to you?

You're probably a nice guy with good intentions, and you don't want to put a woman in an uncomfortable situation, right? You may think that this kind of pressure is just what's done in these settings, but it's bad news for all involved. Don't do it.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:05 PM in misc tips | Permalink | Comments (3)

Okay, you all remember the guest spot they're auctioning off for Savage Love? I mentioned it the other day. I've decided to bid on it tomorrow, because, hey, I love telling people what I think just that much!

If any of you would like to chip in a bit for it, that would be awesome. If so, send me an email privately saying how much you'd like to contribute. If I win the auction, I'll hit you up for a paypal payment in a couple of days.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:14 PM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (0)

We all know how I feel about dick pics, right? I mean, really, they're not the way to go, unless you're looking to make a gay-man-posting-as-a-woman's day.

But if, just for argument's sake, you really must send a dick shot, it is not, usually, worth 1000 words, so you should also include some text.

But even more importantly, if you're going to (ahem) lead with your cock, you should definitely be sure it's particularly impressive, because, hey, you should assume the woman is seeing lots of other such pictures, at least some of which are going to be... standouts, shall we say?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:44 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (1)

When guys respond to my ads, they often have ideas about how our first meeting will go. Some of these ideas are unrealistic.

Things I probably won't wear to meet you:

* a wet t-shirt
* a latex bodysuit
* a vibrator (internal)
* nipple clamps (!!!)
* a tank top so tight my breasts pop out of it while we're talking

Things I probably won't say when I first meet you:

* "Hey, big boy!" (I always thought this was just a cheesy line from I-don't-know-where)
* "Let's get out of here and fuck!"
* "I forgot my panties."

Things I probably won't do when I first meet you:

* drop to my knees and unzip your fly without saying a word
* suck my finger suggestively while we talk
* hike up my skirt and finger myself while we talk

No, I'm afraid my first meetings are all very boring. But I do get a kick out of hearing people's fantasies, just as long as they're clear that they're fantasies.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:36 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (3)

Don't let this happen to you!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:51 PM in snarky | Permalink | Comments (0)

First things first: Dan Savage is auctioning a guest expert slot for his column, Savage Love in January. If you want to buy this for me, the link is here. Alternately, the astute and hot reader who pointed this out to me suggests taking up a collection.

In other news, I need to gloat. I have a wonderful friend who has been engaging in casual sex, infrequently but regularly, for many years. She did it as a single person, and more recently, she's done it with her husband (how hot is that)? But she hasn't talked about it much during that time, because, you know, casual sex is so questionable! And it's true, you never know when you're going to be talking about the hot guy you picked up on the net for a quick lay and someone is going to get all up in arms about how disgusting and immoral you are. I'll admit, even I, one of the most chill people I know with regards to this topic, worry about how some people will respond to the whole deal.

But, of course, one of my big hopes for this blog is to unpack and then get rid of the shame that's associated with casual sex. Sex is a great and fun thing to do, and if people want to be doing it, then more fucking power to them!

So you can imagine how delighted I was to hear that my friend and her husband recently picked up an incredibly hot guy for a night of incredibly hot sex, and to hear that, inspired by my example, she's talking about the experience with people, where she says she wouldn't have in the past.

Little things like this make me feel like, hey, I've done something, here! That rocks.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:40 PM in Administrativa | Permalink | Comments (0)

"I'm definitely up to it, no string attached. I haven't got laid for sometime now. Let me know if ur still up for it."

No, no, nooooo!

Never, never tell a woman that your interest in her is based on the fact that you haven't gotten laid recently. Just don't. Honestly, what makes you think that would be appealing to her?

Posted by ClueChick at 11:03 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (3)

I was out for dinner tonight with a friend, and we were eating in a restaurant that has a storefront type dining area, with tables right up to the windows. We had a table right next to the window, which I like, because I enjoy people-watching (shocker, right?).

So, we're eating, and this guy walks by, kinda strolling, and he looks in the window, checking out the restaurant, and then looking really closely at our table and food. Now, remember, he's only about three feet away from me, separated by glass, and he's basically standing there looking at my dinner, which is, I have to say, a little intrusive, but, fine, you've got bad boundaries? You and half the rest of the world, too.

But then he noticed me watching him check out my food, and he made a smoochy face at me, like he was blowing me a kiss, but without the hand motion. YUCK!

Now, listen, we all know that the difference between a welcome approach and a sleezy come-on is whether the recipient thinks the approacher is attractive, and so, invariably, every guy who's willing to take a shot is, like it or not, occasionally going to find some woman giving him that look that says, "Hey, what are you doing?" But there's a place where it's reasonable to go ahead and take the shot, and walking by a stranger's table while she eats isn't it.

You feel a little embarrassed because I "caught" you crossing a boundary? The way to handle it isn't to give me some lame, gross, fucking offensive smoochy face. Christ.

I need a vacation.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:15 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (2)

I recently posted an ad on CL in the style of:

Me: [blah blah blah]
You: [blah blah]
The fine print: [blah]

This evening, I got this fantastic response:

Me: I have a great smile and contagious laugh. I like to have a good time in and out of bed, strong enough to get rough, smart enough to know when to do so and when not to! Plenty of finesse, knows how to touch a woman. You: Not 'crazy', not fake, truly looking for a casual encounter with a good man looking for safe fun. Seeking a man that is just as interested in pleasing his partner as he is about having his needs met as well. Giver and receiver! The fine print: Non-smoker, not married, not old (29). Always wear protection, always. Would never meet someone off CL w/o emailing back and forth. If you're serious about meeting someone to play with, email me!

He does all the things I look for: He shows he read my ad, is responding to me, not some generic woman, and demonstrates both wit and the promise of a good personality.

If this is you, you're about to get an email from my actual (not cluechick@gmail.com) email address. Don't spill the beans, okay?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:31 PM in actual responses | Permalink | Comments (6)

One of the things that fascinates me, in general and in specific, is people's turn-ons and kinks. Oh, sure, those balloon fetishists count, but even more interesting, I think, are the more day-to-day quirks and details that get people going. I, for example, love mixing contexts: Can I hide sexual play or flirtation in a totally mundane setting? Or can I joke with my lover about some weird thing I read on the web while he goes down on me? There's an obvious titillation in the former, but for whatever reason, I really love the latter, too.

Some people are aware of their own quirks, and they may be self-conscious of them. Other people seem not to realize they're quirks at all. At any rate, talking to someone about this sort of thing doesn't always bear fruit, but it often does. This is a great thing about meeting someone new and discussing turn-ons. It helps, no doubt, that I pick up new turn-ons along the way, when someone particularly enthusiastic introduces me to his (or hers.) This can be a direct introduction (i.e., by a lover) or an indirect one (i.e., in conversation with a friend.) I enjoy both.

A turn-on doesn't even have to be unusual to be interesting. Exhibitionism and voyeurism seem nearly universal among my friends (who, I'll admit, may be unusual) and are still interesting and zingy. I'm always intrigued to meet people, though, who have something that I think of as a common turn-on and who think it's unusual. For example, I had a brief thing with a guy who's biggest hot-spot was listening to his lover come, and it took us several dates before he was comfortable enough to tell me that's what sent him. It felt like a big revelation to him, but it seemed pretty mundane to me. But, hey, cool for him, right? And it worked out well, for me, too, I'll admit.

So one of the big wins for me, one of whose quirks is my love of discovery and the unexpected, in casual sex is finding this sort of thing about a new lover. You get off on giving me a pearl necklace? It may not be my thing, but seeing you go over the moon about it will be. You've been wanting for ages to find a woman who'll lick her juices off your fingers? Lovely! I suppose that makes me what Dan Savage calls GGG, but it's not just because I'm game. After all, finding more things that get me hot is a win for me in the long run, too.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:51 PM in cluechick encounters | Permalink | Comments (0)