ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

The corollary to last night's post is the other side of things: we need to mean no when we say it, and say no when that's what we mean.

Unfortunately, it can be ridiculously difficult to say no. We're all trained, socially, to be amiable and friendly, and, in general, saying no is not friendly. We don't want to let someone down; we don't want to hurt someone's feelings; we don't want to come off as a bitch or as cold or... whatever.

So, instead, frequently, we hedge. We imply that even though it's no right now, maybe we'll change our minds later, even if we know we won't. We say no with a little laugh to soften the blow. We waffle.

Sometimes, we say no, but it's hard to say no, to reject someone, so upon repeated requests, each tiem, we soften it, until "no" becomes, "oh, sure, maybe just this once."

Other times, we say no and don't mean it. Maybe we want to be talked into something. Maybe we meant no when we said it but were willing to change our minds a little later on.

We are all responsible for this mess. Men, who are most frequently in the position of the suitor, asking, persisting, it is your job to listen to a no, even when it sounds like she may not mean it. There's a lesson here for her, too, after all, that pretending nonconsent muddies the waters for everyone. Women, who are most frequently declining someone's advances, don't say no if you really mean, "Talk me into it." It's not fair to yourself or to him.

And, of course, don't forget that sometimes it's he who says no, and she who persists, and that doesn't really change the fact that no means no. Or ought to, at least.