ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

So, here I am, reading one of my favorite feminist blogs, feministing, when I ran across this post about porn for women. Apparently, the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative has put out a book called Porn for Women. This pink-covered tome draws you in with the steamy, sultry image of ... a man vacuuming? This is a joke, right?

From feministing:

The book is simply titled, "Porn for Women," and consists of hot, sensitive men who are supposed to be a woman's wet dream. For example, one page features a guy reading the sports section of the paper saying, “Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.”

I'm sorry, no.

Now, I'll grant you that I may not exactly be your everyday kind of woman, but I happen to hang out with a lot of women (granted, they also are not exactly mainstream, but they are women...), and here's the thing.

A man vacuuming is not enough to get me wet. And furthermore, it's patently ridiculous to suggest that women are so fucking desperate for a man who will help around the house (and let's not get into what's offensive about that little concept, shall we?) that a mere image of one will send her dashing off for her Hitachi.

The front flap has speech bubbles (speech bubbles?? this is hot??? what are we, twelve?) saying such scorching things as, "God, that's so interesting. Tell me more." and, "Want to snuggle?"

No. Just, no.

Now, listen, I like a sensitive guy as much as the next woman. I can totally picture jumping a guy in an apron. He can even be wearing something under it. Especially if what he's wearing is a black velvet shirt, and the apron is burgundy, and he's being all hot and skillful with a spatula and... oh, excuse me, I got distracted, there. So, yeah, that can be hot, and there's a place for it, but probably not for a whole book of it. Especially not when the book is full of simpleminded, trite phrases like, "Have another piece of cake. I don't like you looking so thin." (That's also from the front flap.)

What gets me hot is not a guy who wants to go to a craft fair over a football game but a guy who likes to do things with me. What turns me on is not a guy who gives me some line about being too thin but a guy who gets a hard-on when I rub up against him and lick his ear.

If I'm going to look at a picture of a guy to accompany my jilling off, it sure as hell isn't going to be some guy (no matter how attractive) gazing soulfully into the camera accompanied by an inane quote. It's going to be some attractive (but not necessarily fucking jock-y, thank you) guy doing something competently. But since that's hard to show in a photograph, you should have a quote from him talking about what he's doing and why he's passionate about it.

The Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative has entirely missed the mark. If you want me to like a guy for his personality, give him personality. If you want me to like a guy 'cause he's hot, make him attractive and give him skills. If you want me to gag on your overly simplistic stereotypes, publish this book.