Some of the many ways to make me suspicious of your approach
I'm always suspicious of people who include certain phrases or descriptors. Things like:
I think deep thoughts. Uh. I don't even know what that means, but I suspect it's something along the lines of, "I have a high opinion of my opinions, and you should, too." Deep thoughts? Really? If it's not obvious from conversation, it's probably not true.
I know you said you like X, and I'm Y, but.... Now, I'll grant you, sometimes -- very occasionally -- someone will have something good following the "but..." in this kind of statement. Maybe he'll have a different take on the whole X/Y division or he'll be outside of it in some interesting way, but... almost always, that line is a lead-in for a long paragraph that I can sum up thusly: "I disregard your opinions, because they don't match with mine. Isn't that hot? Please do me."
My sign is ... What's yours? Is this the 70s? Do you really think this matters? Either you do, and, hi, let's not get into that, or you don't, and you're just using an outdated, slimy pick-up line! I'm amazed how frequently I get this one.
I like girls who... I actually use "girl" to refer to myself and my (wait for it) girlfriends with some regularity, just as I frequently use "boy" to describe my male friends. But very few of the guys who put this in their email seem to use it with any self-consciousness, and it just makes me fret a bit. I know they really mean women, and they'd no doubt say I'm making a big deal out of nothing if I raised a stink about this, but it nevertheless rubs me the wrong way if there's no indication of understanding the complexity of it all.
Comments
"I know you said you like X, and I'm Y"
I think you're being unfair to that one.
Usually it's said in the context of a personal ad, where a girl says something to the effect of "I'm looking for A, B, C, D, E, F..."
Sometimes, a guy might not match C, but match on all the rest, and sometimes enthusiastically match on A and B.
So since it's not clear what the relative priorities for each of the items on that list is, or even whether any given item is a deal breaker, a guy might try anyway. It's not disregarding the opinion, but rather the opposite - it's acknowledging that opinion at the outset and essentially inquiring as to how flexible that opinion is.
And in that context, it's more like. "Hey, I understand that you're looking for X and I'm not X, and I'm not oblivious to your preference. But since I'm not sure how important X really is to you, here's why I think we might get along anyway."
If you don't like that, then I'd suggest delineating "Must have", "want to have", and "would ideally have" traits.
And in either case, I'd still think it's preferable to guys who'd ignore or fail to acknowledge your opinion entirely.
Posted by: Eric | October 15, 2007 1:57 PM
Welcome back CC!
Posted by: Mr X | October 15, 2007 7:21 PM
Thanks, Mr. X!
Eric: You're right, actually. Sometimes -- in fact, often, really -- there may be something in a profile or post that may just be a preference or even just a slight leaning, and you can't always tell the difference. Unfortunately, it seems most likely that a guy will pick something important (to me) to say this about. Maybe this means I need to clarify my phrasing. Or maybe it's just that the guys who are looking to cheat on their wives are going to take the shot, no matter what the post says!
Posted by: Cluechick | October 15, 2007 7:52 PM
First, welcome back. Second, I'm always astounded by your patience with these guys. You are like a casual sex saint or something.
Posted by: Ellie | October 16, 2007 11:14 PM
Ha! A casual sex saint? I like it! Would my followers bring me gifts of condoms and hot men?
Posted by: Cluechick | October 17, 2007 8:45 AM
this post is soooooo old but i cant agree more about how much guys use "girl" in their ads or in their responses -- it is creepy to me -- when ad titles say something like "lookin for that sweet girl" or whatever i just think ugh!
its a shame that guys still think its ok to refer to women as girls, it definitely rubs me the wrong way and i am not sure i can put my finger on the reason why -- i think it is cause it reinforces a lot of patriarchal ideals that we were taught growing up and women have evolved more away from those ideals than guys (i do not call guys men, just guys - men is a special status)
Posted by: stacey | February 13, 2008 3:53 PM