What's great about casual sex?
A newish friend was asking me recently what some of the lessons or benefits I've gotten from casual sex are, and I was able to articulate one to him that I haven't really managed to identify previously. Let's see if I can recreate a reasonable explanation here:
Growing up, girls -- well, probably everyone, but I think especially girls -- get a strong message of how important it is to save sex for marriage. There's a lot of acknowledgment that loads of people have sex before marriage, but even then, the dominant paradigm is that sex is a Big Deal, and you should only do it when you're in a committed relationship with someone you love.
And on top of that, there's this weird fetish our culture has for female virginity, so especially when you're young, you get a lot of rhetoric about how important it is to be sure, to pick the right guy, etc.
I remember a having a discussion in high school with some friends about which would be worse: to be raped or to be murdered. Read that again; I'll wait. Smart, thoughtful girls actually had a conversation wherein there was serious consideration of the question of whether it might not be better to be dead than to be raped. That is fucked up.
But the point, here, is that there's a lot of time and energy going into giving people the message that sex is HUGE, and that, if you're a girl, at least, you're a prize, and you should be sure not to give yourself to just anyone. ("Why buy the cow, yadda yadda?") And I'm not saying that people, especially young people, shouldn't be smart and thoughtful about sex, picking when they want to do it and with whom. But I am saying that the current dialogue about it is fucked. And not in a good way.
And one of the great great things that casual sex has done for me is allowed me to stop thinking of myself as a prize that I award to someone for being the nicest guy or the smartest or the hottest or the nearest or whatever -est he happens to be, and, instead, to think about what I want out of sex. I'm not someone's prize; I'm my prize, and my reward is that I get to to what I want with my mind and body, when I want, and with the person (or people) I want to do it with. I'm not having sex to pat some guy on the head to say, "Hey, man, nice work! You win the good guy award! Have some pussy!" Instead, I'm having sex because I like sex, and it's what I want to do.
And despite having a couple of kickass awesome relationships before my casual sex days started, I think I'm a better lover now than I was then. Not because I have any great new techniques (though, let's be honest: I may), but because I'm choosing for myself when I take my clothes off.
Comments
Sexuality is such a repressed area of discussion. And such a HUGE part of relationships. How can a person find the "right one" when you don't know if you are a match is the sex department? A once a week person will get irritated with a once or twice a day person.
I spent too much time chasing what was supposed to be right to find I needed to chase what was right for me. And find that real me in the process.
Posted by: Onemaster | December 7, 2007 1:18 PM
Choice comments! My sexuality was so shaped by my parents relationship/divorce. Dad messed around and got caught and mom played innocent victim for 20 years. I was left with the idea that casual sex was the greatest of sins, that it could only hurt people. On top of that, I was envious of my ex. She was comfortable with causal sex (when she was single) and I never allowed myself that freedom. As a result I never trusted her or any of the men in her life.
When I became single again in my 40’s, I knew I wanted sex but I also knew that I was not ready for a committed relationship. But most of the women I met demanded some level commitment before getting naked. So I met a lot of women and I learned to tell which ones needed a commitment and which ones might be comfortable with casual sex. And something unexpected happened. Suddenly I found myself having casual sex with several different women and I was being completely honest about it. To my surprise they were OK with my wandering and usually confessed that they had other lovers too. This was something new, exciting, powerful. We were more attractive to each other BECAUSE we were having casual sex with others. It was exciting for me to meet females who chose casual sex because it was fun and because they liked it. I wasn’t competing for a prize. All I had to do was show up and take of my clothes.
I read a book about robots no less and it talked about how evolution develops biological habits, (call it instinct) that happen automatically without our being able to control them. Sexual arousal is one of them. If you don’t believe me, try stopping it. People evolved to fuck. It’s one of our basic survival skills. To deny your sexuality is unnatural. It’s a lie, to yourself and to others. You are so right. Choosing sex for yourself is freeing. Thank you for saying it. Pass the word.
Posted by: Mr. Smarty Pants | December 11, 2007 8:13 PM
"I'm not having sex to pat some guy on the head to say, "Hey, man, nice work! You win the good guy award! Have some pussy!" Instead, I'm having sex because I like sex, and it's what I want to do."
Amen to that, sister! And the rest of the post. Not only well-written, but so well-expressed. Kudos, i genuflect.
Posted by: Juno Henry | January 2, 2008 3:19 AM