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May 26, 2009

You call that casual?

Now, I'm sure that some of the women who post to CL looking for casual sex might be open to something more committed -- some might even be hoping that a fling might turn into something more serious. But this is not the best way to respond to a woman's casual encounters post:

Okay, here's a question for you, Honey. Would you consider a loving, permanent relationship with an older man from afar? Wanna move to Florida and have a nice tan? Yes, I very much understand your needs, and would love to make the arrangements to have ALL of your fantasies fulfilled. But mine is to do so with love in my heart -- with my wife. Is that so bad? Just wondering.

I mean, really. Florida? If I'm going to move away to marry someone I've never met, it's got to be, like, the French Riviera or Hawaii or Brazil.

March 30, 2009

Caffeinated boy is caffeinated

I really have no idea what this guy is trying to say:

IM REAL AND NOT LOOKING FOR GAMES YOU EMAIL ME BACK SO I NO IM NOT TALKING WITH A ROBOT PLZ UNDERSTAND THERE IS SO MUCH BULLSHIT ON HERE THIS ALL ABOUT YOU NOT ME THIS IS WHAT I ENJOY EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARELOOKING FOR I CANT SHOW MY FACE AS FOR WORK REASONS PLZ UNDER STAND BUT THE BODY SHOT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE RUDE I AM A MASSEUSES BY PROFESSION IM NOT LOOKING TO NO END I ALSO LOVE TO BE THE PLEASRE OF THE TWO SO YOU WOULD HAVE TO LET ME PLEASE YOU LOL GOD I HOPE YOU POST IS REAL AS MY EMAILS IS TO YOU AS LONG AS THERE IS FREINDSHIP AND A HEART UP LATE JUST GOT HOME SORRY ABOUTH THE LATE EMAILI THINK I EMAILED YOU BEFORE MY LIFE IS IN ORDER JUST LOOKING FOR A FREIND I AM NOT LOOING FOR A TEN MIN SCREW ALSO I AM LOOKING FOR A FREIND WITH NSA SO AS IN THE END WHEN YOU SAY I MET SOMEONE ELSE WE PART AS FREINDS TO WHERE I CAN SEND A EMAIL AND SAY HI HOW R THINGS I NO YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FREIND BUT ........ I DATED A WOMEN ONCE WHO SHOWED ME JUST HOW A LADY LIKES TO BE TREATED AS A FREIND AND LOVER STRONG SEX DRIVE THIS WOULD BE FOR YOU AND YOU ONLY NOT ME NOT LOOKING TO GET MY THING WET BUT JUST TO SERVE YOUR NEEDS I AM HONEST UP FRONT GUY WHO HAS A SOLID JOB JUST BEEN LOOKING FOR A HONEST UP FRONT FREIND TO START IM SURE WE COUD MAKE SOMTHING WORK BUT I GUES IL NEVER NO UNTIL I SEND YOU A EMAIL I LKED YOUR POST AND HOPE MY RETURN WASNT TO STRONG I ALSO SEE THAT THERE IS QUITE A BIT OF BULLSHIT ON THIS SITE AND IM NOT LOOKING FOR IT OR NOR DO I WANT TO GIVE ANY I TO LEFT A LONG RELATION AND BEEN SINGLE OVER A YEAR NOW AND LOOKING FOR A FREIND AND TO SEE WHAT COMES FROM IT WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND DO HAVE WANTS NOT HERE FOR DRAMA JUST A CLOSE TRUSTING FREIND WOULD LOVE TO TALK SO EMAIL ME BACK HEY CANT HURT TO MAKE A FREIND I WOULD LOVE TO PART OF THISYOU AER TALKING ABOUT OR JUST TO PLZ YOU AS YOU WANT IM HONEST UP FRONT HARD WORKING GUY NOT SOME FREAK SO IF YOU DO GET MY EMAIL PLZ RESPOND WITH A YES OR A NO I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU IN LIFE AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT FEELING OF EXCITMENT AGAIN THANKS I AM ON LINE FOR A FEW HOURS I HOPE WE CAN TALK

September 5, 2008

Posted without comment

This email snarks itself:

"Hey, I'm Hashir from zanzibar Tanzania, I know I'm far away from you but I really like you and will be fine if can meet because i need to have sex with you. i will fuck you in both your holes...Please advise!"

January 8, 2008

What not to do (X of Y)

Sometimes, I think I've seen it all. The guys who respond to all the w4m posts on CL in one mass mailing, with recipients visible, for example, always amuse me, but haven't surprised me in a long time.

Recently, though, I got two new ways to be wacky:

1. A guy sent me three emails in the evening, the first to introduce himself to me, the second to reiterate how perfect we are for each other, and the third to castigate me for not responding yet and to encourage me to respond ASAP. I hadn't read my email that evening, and was thus impressed to discover, when I did get around to it, that he'd sent three followups the next morning, first to castigate me further, second to remind me again that we're perfect for each other, and the third to tell me I'd be missing out if I didn't write him back.

Now, I'd never say that someone consents to be stalked, but I'm sure that if I responded to this guy, I'd be asking for it. Yuck.

2. A chain letter. On the topic of determining your value as a person by how many of your friends respond to your sending it to them.

Maybe he just needs more friends.

November 29, 2007

I have to wonder if this ever works

As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up. Today, I received this email to my profile on a dating site:

"would love to ram my cock in you"

It is accompanied by a photo of Prince Charming (naked, of course) squatting in front of his big screen TV.

I am hard pressed to explain why, exactly, this isn't getting me hot. Is it the impersonal lack of "I" at the beginning of the sentence? Maybe it's the TV. It's just so hard to be sure!

November 24, 2007

Is it me?

I know that not all 50 year old guys are skeevy. I mean, I have direct experience with non-skeevy 50 year old guys! And, yet, all the 50 year old guys I see on dating sites seem skeevy. Is it selection bias? Observation bias? A little of both? Or maybe I'm just not seeing the non-skeevy ones because they're busy responding to women closer to their own age?

October 14, 2007

Some of the many ways to make me suspicious of your approach

I'm always suspicious of people who include certain phrases or descriptors. Things like:

I think deep thoughts. Uh. I don't even know what that means, but I suspect it's something along the lines of, "I have a high opinion of my opinions, and you should, too." Deep thoughts? Really? If it's not obvious from conversation, it's probably not true.

I know you said you like X, and I'm Y, but.... Now, I'll grant you, sometimes -- very occasionally -- someone will have something good following the "but..." in this kind of statement. Maybe he'll have a different take on the whole X/Y division or he'll be outside of it in some interesting way, but... almost always, that line is a lead-in for a long paragraph that I can sum up thusly: "I disregard your opinions, because they don't match with mine. Isn't that hot? Please do me."

My sign is ... What's yours? Is this the 70s? Do you really think this matters? Either you do, and, hi, let's not get into that, or you don't, and you're just using an outdated, slimy pick-up line! I'm amazed how frequently I get this one.

I like girls who... I actually use "girl" to refer to myself and my (wait for it) girlfriends with some regularity, just as I frequently use "boy" to describe my male friends. But very few of the guys who put this in their email seem to use it with any self-consciousness, and it just makes me fret a bit. I know they really mean women, and they'd no doubt say I'm making a big deal out of nothing if I raised a stink about this, but it nevertheless rubs me the wrong way if there's no indication of understanding the complexity of it all.

August 13, 2007

Worst thing to say in a response to a casual sex personal ad, ever

I can't decide, so I need your help. Which is the dumber thing to say when responding to a woman's profile on a casual sex site?

"I'm not a person who sleeps around and stuff and I'm looking for someone who shares that." ("sleeps around and stuff"? What stuff? Also, uh, what do you think casual sex is??)

"I'm looking for one special friend." (I think that's called a "girlfriend", in most cases.)

Oh, fellas, come on. I'm cheap, and I want you to be, too!

June 11, 2007

Getting back on the horse

Damn. It's been so long since I posted that Firefox doesn't even remember the url to the posting form. I'm ashamed!

Not that there's been much for me to talk about. I've been focused in large part on other things than casual sex (much to the dismay of my sex drive), and I've generally been laming out on the sexual adventures recently. In fact, until yesterday, it had been months since I posted an ad, which leaves me with a dearth of annoyances to inspire my ranting posts.

And, in fact, I don't have anything to complain about tonight, either, because after a long spell of simply not having the energy to put together any casual encounters, I just sent off a new lover after a very, very fun evening.

But I do have an observation out of it! I had a free evening, so I posted last night saying as much but with the caveat that I might end up not wanting to get together, so people shouldn't get their hopes up. Several (i.e., about 100) people responded, most of them, as usual, worthless, but a few were interesting enough to strike up a conversation. One proposed coffee before he and I were both in (separate, obviously) dinner meetings. I couldn't make it, so he proposed another option for after dinner. Okay, but I might not be up for much, was my response, to which he slyly pointed out that we could just meet for five minutes and then be on our way if we were both tired.

This was a great move on his part, because it made explicit the possibility that it might just be a situation where we meet, chat briefly, and that be it. Simply having that on the table made it feel less effortful to make the meeting, even though I knew the odds were good that once we met, we'd chat for longer.

The other smart thing he did, which fully annoyed me at the time, was he didn't give me his phone number, even after I gave him mine. This meant that I couldn't text him after my meeting to say, "Oh, sorry, nevermind." Which I really wanted to do. But I have to be pretty down on someone or in a terrible mood to stand someone up, and that wasn't the case here, so I went ahead and met him. Seriously, this was a genius move. I don't know if he did it on purpose; I'll have to ask.

Naturally, once there, conversation flowed, he was as attractive as he'd let on (yes, he hadn't even sent me a photo! what's gotten into me?) and easy to talk to.

That was a nice reminder of why I like casual sex.

March 17, 2007

Jerky responses to personal ads abound

I often wonder why guys even bother to respond to my personal ads. I assume that they send the same email to every ad they think is even possibly real, but these responses are so ridiculous, lame, or offensive that the guy is assuring a non-response right out of the box. And I'm not just talking about the guys who say, "If your real write me back!" At least those are hopeful but clueless. I'm thinking about responses like this one:

Drop the bull-shit bitch.... If you want to get fucked so hard that you wont walk straight for a week, and your shit will be falling out of your asshole for another week... Send me your picture and phone-number right-now...

No guy thinks that's an appealing image, right? So he's obviously writing the email to get his aggressive, jerky rocks off. What a waste.

January 12, 2007

Best typo, ever

I just got an email containing the best typo I've seen in ages:

"This idea contains groins of truth..."

I want to see these groins of which he speaks!

December 21, 2006

The thanks but no thanks response. What's the point?

This week, I got an email that said, in full, "Your profile was perfect until you got to the nonmonogamous part. Too bad. I guess I'll go have dinner alone..."

Now, I know you guys have a hard time in the dating world. It can be tough to meet someone who strikes your fancy, and I know it's demoralizing not to hear back from the women you write to.

So I have to wonder, why bother writing to someone who exhibits one of your deal-breakers? I assume he was hoping that I would write back and say, "Hey, that thing in my profile? I was just kidding!" Silly.

Two points here: First, when you're writing a profile, there are a multitude of things you can mention. Therefore, everything you do bring up, you have gone out of your way to do so. Thus, second, when you're responding to a profile, the things that are mentioned are the ones that are important enough to bring to the fore. The conclusions one can draw from these two points are left as an exercise for the reader.

December 13, 2006

Dick shots: lead with your strenghth

We all know how I feel about dick pics, right? I mean, really, they're not the way to go, unless you're looking to make a gay-man-posting-as-a-woman's day.

But if, just for argument's sake, you really must send a dick shot, it is not, usually, worth 1000 words, so you should also include some text.

But even more importantly, if you're going to (ahem) lead with your cock, you should definitely be sure it's particularly impressive, because, hey, you should assume the woman is seeing lots of other such pictures, at least some of which are going to be... standouts, shall we say?

December 7, 2006

Set yourself apart: have standards

"I'm definitely up to it, no string attached. I haven't got laid for sometime now. Let me know if ur still up for it."

No, no, nooooo!

Never, never tell a woman that your interest in her is based on the fact that you haven't gotten laid recently. Just don't. Honestly, what makes you think that would be appealing to her?

December 4, 2006

An exemplar of a good CL email response

I recently posted an ad on CL in the style of:

Me: [blah blah blah]
You: [blah blah]
The fine print: [blah]

This evening, I got this fantastic response:

Me: I have a great smile and contagious laugh. I like to have a good time in and out of bed, strong enough to get rough, smart enough to know when to do so and when not to! Plenty of finesse, knows how to touch a woman. You: Not 'crazy', not fake, truly looking for a casual encounter with a good man looking for safe fun. Seeking a man that is just as interested in pleasing his partner as he is about having his needs met as well. Giver and receiver! The fine print: Non-smoker, not married, not old (29). Always wear protection, always. Would never meet someone off CL w/o emailing back and forth. If you're serious about meeting someone to play with, email me!

He does all the things I look for: He shows he read my ad, is responding to me, not some generic woman, and demonstrates both wit and the promise of a good personality.

If this is you, you're about to get an email from my actual (not cluechick@gmail.com) email address. Don't spill the beans, okay?

November 13, 2006

Are you old, hot and horny? Don't email me, please.

Listen, fellas, I know there are young women out there who really like the daddy thing. And I suppose that just because I'm 30 and you're 55 doesn't necessarily mean that I won't want to fuck you. What does mean that I won't be interested in your 55 year old ass is the fact that not only is it too old for me, but it (and the rest of you) didn't read the part of my profile that states, "I'm only interested in guys who are around my age."

By emailing me, you show yourself to be the skeevy older guy who thinks he's "young at heart" or "looks 20 years younger" but who, in fact, is obviously incapable of reading a profile before responding to it, which does not bode well for your ability to listen to me when I talk about other things that are important to me in a relationship, even a casual one. Furthermore, it grosses me the fuck out when you suggest that we could take advantage of the age difference to play "daddy daughter games."

Your kink is okay, but it is so far from my kink that my sex drive is cowering in the corner at the mere mention of it. Again, if you had read my profile, it might have been easy to read between the lines and understand that I'm not the woman of your dreams.

Plus, frankly, you look insanely desperate when you email someone so obviously unlikely to be interested in you. And we all know desperation is never hot.

November 6, 2006

German Boygroups, unite!

Sometimes, I don't know how I resist:

Hi sexy Girl,here is a German Boygroup,with STRONG Hard COCKS for your HOT HOLES.We see the Fantastic BODY and must Contact You.In your City we can meet us,You Test the BIG COCKS and we have a Great SEXACTION.We like to FUCK You...

October 26, 2006

Typos, how they plague the internet sex machines

You know what I hate? I hate it when I write a really great email or ad or post and proofread it carefully before exposing it to public view and only later discover that I've completely blown it an sent something totally wrong and not a little embarrassing. Is there any way to recover? I sure wish I didn't have to!

We all make typos, and thus, I generally expect that people will make allowances for mine, and I try to do so for others. But I also get a kick out of them. My favorite recent ones include, "I can hose or come to your place..." and the guy who typoed his own name.

All that said, it's better not to make typos. No, this isn't a job search, but if you're trying to pick up an intelligent woman, you're going to want to look as well-polished (while still real) as you can, and typos don't help.

On the other hand, better a typo than an entirely garbled message. One of my friends pulled that little maneuver a while back, and I'll have to post about it sometime soon. It's a great story, and he's told me it's okay for me to share it.

October 19, 2006

Pointlessness in CL responses

What, exactly, is an "upidity cunt"? Do you think I am one? I'm gonna go with yes on that.

I don't understand why people bother sending me long rants in response to my CL ads. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen from time to time, and they range from coherent and hateful screeds against women who have sex to bizarre and irrelevant ramblings about... I can't really tell.

But I wonder what they're expecting. Are they hoping I'll write back, infuriated by their comments? Maybe they think this will make them stand out from the crowd? Or perhaps they figure I didn't know that I was living a life of sin and their email will save me?

It seems like a lot of trouble to go to share your opinion with an anonymous stranger who is extraordinarily unlikely to respond. Where's the satisfaction in that?

October 17, 2006

I'm confused: are you looking for a fuck or for a wife?

I arrange most of my hookups by way of Craig's List, as you all know, and specifically the casual encounters section. I've taken to joking with my friends that you can get anything you want on CL: a new bed, a language class, a lover. I love the internet!

And CE is pretty clear: people are looking for hookups, FWB, what have you. So I'm always confused when I get a response from someone saying he's looking for The One. I, of course, am lacking the tendency toward traditional romance, anyway, and this whole "The One" concept is like a foreign language to me. But even setting that aside, I can't help wondering what's wrong with these guys who are looking for something serious on a board that's explicitly and specifically for non-attached hookups?

Do they want something casual but think their odds will be better if they make out like they're big romantics? Do they want something serious and have struck out with all the women who are on the road to marriage? Are they just deeply, deeply confused?

I always want to write these guys back and say, "Listen, that's sweet and all, but you look kind of pathetic and unfortunate when you start trolling the casual board for your one-and-only." I know that more than one long term relationship has come out of what was supposed to be a fling, and maybe there are women who are specifically hoping for that. But all that faking around would make me worry about what kind of honesty I was about to get in a relationship.

But, then, honesty -- and I don't mean honesty about, say, minor details, but, rather, honesty and forthrightness about how one is oriented towards oneself and the world -- seems not to be a huge priority for a lot of people. No wonder so many people end up unhappy.

October 15, 2006

Stupid human tricks: first response no-nos

Stupid things to say or include in your initial email to a new prospect:

- "I have been told by others that I'm a nice/sweet guy." This makes me wonder a) what he thinks of himself and b) does he agree with others' assessments? The best time to use the "other people tell me" approach is when describing yourself physically, if you feel awkward saying, "Hey, baby, I'm as hot as the day is long!" But when describing your personality, it's really better to use your own words.

- A school photo. You know that grey-blue mottled background that every school photographer in the world uses? It's unmistakable. That picture is not sexy. Also, you're probably wasting your time writing a 30 year old, just fyi.

- "Hi," cc'd to all 15 women posting to CE that day. This one just makes me laugh.

October 13, 2006

The incoherent shouting is hard to resist...

Today's classy come-on, from a dating site:

LOOK YOUR GOOD LOOKING YOU SOMETHINGS WE LIKE, ITS SEEMS LIKE YOU MAYBE WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR DONT,KNOW REALLY UNTIL WE CHAT SOME AND GO FROM THERE THROW ME A BONE WILL YA

Of course, the profile is empty and tells me only that this is a MF couple living in my state.

I can't even figure out what this person is saying. Well, okay, I know what s/he's saying (fuck us!), but, sadly, I have no bones for them.

October 12, 2006

Poetry: rarely the best way to get casual sex

Poetry is a very iffy way to get a woman's attention. Have you seen how much crappy poetry there is out there? No, seriously, there's a lot. I'm sure the people writing it think it's good, but, wow, it hurts. And not in a fun way.

Therefore, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if your inclination is to respond to an ad for casual sex with poetry, don't. Poetry can be romantic, and it can be hot, but most often, it falls flat and is, frankly, a little embarrassing.

For example:

Subject: may the winds of romance bring the warmth of love (pick Me)

Body: Like roses in a garden, Kindness fills the air With a
certain bit of sweetness as it touches
everywhere For kindness is a circle that never, never
ends may the love we find just
begins I hope you like my poam, lets meet

Okay, now, to be fair, this guy obviously doesn't know the difference between casual sex and... uh... kindness? Love? I'm unclear, too. But what he needs, perhaps more than relationship advice, is an editor. What's with the weird capitalization? We're not even talking about Victorian capitalization of Significant Words here, since "with" and "for" get capitalized along with "kindness". Hmm. And I'm sorry to say that "poam" is self-snarking, because I'd really like to go somewhere with that, but I just can't.

I've read some hot poetry that would totally catch my eye as a response to a casual sex ad, but, somehow, it's never what shows up in my inbox. If you're inclined to go that route, run it by a few friends, first. Or, in a pinch, me. Because although I may laugh, I'm unlikely to be sleeping with you, anyway, and you know I'll tell you if it sucks.

October 11, 2006

Haven't I seen this email address before?

One of my favorite flubs, when men are responding to an ad I've posted on CL, is when he sends me multiple emails, clearly having forgotten who he's already responded to that day. I say this is a favorite flub for a couple of reasons. First, I have done this. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but there was an ad that was SO great that I agonized about responding to it, and then, after a long time, I did, but I'd spent so long thinking about what I might say that I... forgot that I had actually gone ahead and said some of it. So I wrote another email and sent it off.

Needless to say, the guy thought this was a riot, and also liked my enthusiasm, so it wasn't all bad.

Of course, normally when a guy sends me more than one email in response to a particular ad, it's a cut-and-paste job, which makes it less flattering. I don't know if he's sending it to me twice because he liked my ad both times he looked at it or if he just lost track of where in the w4m ads he left off. Still, as flubs go, this one is pretty harmless. On those occasions when I find him appealing enough to respond, I usually mention, with a gentle jab, the fact that he wrote me twice. The good ones respond with humor.

It's also revealing when the same guy sends me two emails that are different. This is rare, but it's happened a couple of times. In one case, we were clearly not a match, so I was sorry to have to decline his enthusiasm, but the second time, we clicked very well, and in that case, his enthusiasm worked in his favor.

I don't know that I'd suggest this as a deliberate attention-getting approach, but it is, at the least, a good case for doing a bit of personalizing of each email so she knows you're not a total cut-and-paster.

September 6, 2006

Another yawner

Today's email exchange:

Him:

Nice profile! I'd like to hook up!

His profile:

...

Me:

Between your alacrity with words in email and the insightful observations in your profile, I can barely resist. Yet, I'm able to. Miracles never cease.

August 19, 2006

The secret network of women who fuck around

Every once in a while, I get a response to an ad that goes, "Hey, [name], is that you?" Paula, Jenny, Jess, Laura... these are the names I use to think about the other women who post to CL. We're sort of a secret society, but we don't necessarily know each other. Presumably, when Joe Blow writes me wondering if I'm Nikki, it's because my ad sounds a lot like her. I'd probably like her. We'd sure as hell have fun comparing notes.

I always respond to these emails to say, no, sorry, I'm not Loryn or Mel, and I pretty much never hear back from the guy, either, and don't expect to. If he wanted any woman who fits a certain profile, he'd've written me a regular email. Instead, he wants the one woman he wants. If I could, though, I'd love to get her email address, send her a note, say hi, maybe get a drink.

I'm just an average kind of chick, after all, but it's fun to contemplate the other women who are out there having NSA fun like me. What we need is a pin we can wear like a secret handshake, so when we see each other in the supermarket, we can nod over the honeydew, smile a smug, secret smile, and share that moment of connection with a stranger -- fleeting, like a hookup, but lasting, too.

August 16, 2006

Lameness abounds on Craig's List and other personals sites

I know I can't expect to save the online hookup scene singlehandedly, especially not with a small (but loyal!) readership such as I have. But that doesn't stop me from being depressed when I get a response to an ad that says, in its entirety, "hit me back".

I mean, of course none of these guys have seen my blog, because they don't think they need help getting hookups, and if they don't get any, they figure it's because the women are fake or snobby (well, okay, snobby is right) or that the ads they're responding to are for spam or what have you. I don't even want to help these guys, so why do I care that they're still as clueless as before I started the blog?

I don't, really, and, yet, I can't help taking it personally when I get the same lameass responses. It's not that I want that guy to have improved, because if he's really that clueless, I'm glad to have an easy way to recognize him. Instead, it's that I want him to stop bothering me. Some brilliant geek needs to come up with a "lame response" filter for me.

July 24, 2006

Methinks the lady doth protest... not at all.

One of my favorite "what the...?" responses is one i get in response to about half the ads I post, and it's some variation on the theme, "You're a faker!"

Yes, that's right, I'm a faker, and thus, clearly, the thing to do is... uh... email me! Now, if I am, in fact, fake, then emailing me will give your email address to either a spambot or someone collecting email addresses for some other purpose. And if I'm not fake, I'm going to delete your email.

Is the hope that I'll protest my innocence, thus sparking an email exchange? I can only imagine that's the case. I wonder if it ever works.

July 20, 2006

The long-winded blowhards: not sexy

You know those people who hog conversations? These are the ones who trap you in the corner and yammer on about whatever they're interested in, without regard to whether or not the person they've pinned to the wall (in a wholly unsexy way) cares about what they're talking about or has anything to say about it. Yes, we all know these people.

I can't decide if I think it's worse to get trapped by one of these people who's talking about something about which I have an opinion and, thus, feel frustrated at not getting a chance to share said opinion, or one who's talking about something that couldn't bore me more, because I do hate being bored.

It turns out that these people exist in cyberspace, too. In response to one of my ads, this type of guy goes on and on in an email that's at least three times longer than my original ad. Possibly more. He talks all about himself and things that interest him and never asks a question or leaves me a conversational "hook" to help me know how to respond to him. He usually closes with a demand that I should write him back.

These emails are usually very obviously generic replies that I can only imagine get sent to hundreds of women each week. I would be surprised if they ever get a response.

Guess why?

June 29, 2006

Moaning in your email is rarely sexy

I recently received an email from an unusually well-spoken fellow, which said, in its entirety, "i have a great tongue to make you cuuuuuuuummmmmmmm"

As you might imagine, I was very, very impressed. I mean, who doesn't like to, uh, cuuuuuuuummmmmmmm?

Okay, so here's the thing. I like to come. Although I don't like it, I can put up with "cum", mainly because I have to. And it might be sexy to have someone say, for example, "Hey, baby, I want to feel you come," and when they're whispering it in my ear, I bet I'd like it if they were to draw out the word, like they're moaning. Yes, I can imagine that being hot.

But a string of "mmmmm"s in an email is not the same. It is not evocative. It is not sexy. It makes you look not only silly but downright sleazy. Don't do it.

June 23, 2006

What does this even mean?

Can anyone decipher this one for me?

Tall 36d???? a bit supm u live and work in town u are single u wont melt in the rain????

June 15, 2006

Cream pies: is this code for something?

I am not making this up:

Ok, I saw your post on CL and noticed you're into kinky things...care to elaborate? Myself, I'm into seeing women get hit in the face with cream pies...don't ask me why but it gets me off. So if we were together I'd like to one day hit you in the face with a pie...would that be ok?

June 13, 2006

Simply responding to my ad implies you're interested. Your email should contain more information.

I posted a new ad today, and I just want to share my favorite of the unfortunate responses:

"I'm interested in you!"

That's all. Too bad I can't respond to him with a link to the blog!

On the other hand, I've gotten some promising ones, too, so it's not all bad!

June 2, 2006

A gentle tip for the virgins out there

Gentlemen:

Advertising yourself as a 25 year old virgin looking for casual sex is not the way to go.

Love,
Cluechick

May 31, 2006

Make me holla

Today's winning email approach:

"ok if your real holla at me ifnot its buillshit"

What, exactly, is a buill?

At any rate, I love a guy who can inspire me to holla, but this, sadly, is not he.

May 4, 2006

Anal sex: encoded for the dense-of-mind

So, there are typos in your response to a personal ad. Big deal, right? I mean, we all do it from time to time (even I! Thanks to those of you who've pointed out my occasional typo!), and everyone can read what you meant to say, even if you munged a few letters...

Well, almost everyone. It turns out that the occasional absent-minded reading of a typo can cause great confusion. To wit:

Yesterday, I received an email approach saying, among other things, "I'd also like to try try some ana with you, how about youl?"

Now, it's probably obvious to everyone what "ana" means, in this context, right? Well, not me. Call me dense, or oblivious, or I-don't-know-what, but... I didn't draw the obvious conclusion. Instead, I thought, "Hm, I wonder what "ana" is? I know "tina" is amphetamine..."

Aside: I've never used recreational drugs, and I don't get a lot of exposure to them, so I'm used to not "getting" drug slang. This doesn't explain why my mind went there, but I do regularly get invitations to "go skiing" or smoke a joint as part of our get together, so maybe that's it.

At any rate, I Googled it, with no luck, and then asked some friends:

cluechick: What drug is "ana" slang for?
helpful: Not as in "pro-ana"?
cluechick: No, as in a drug
cluechick: I know it's slang for a drug, but I don't remember which one
helpful: Anabolic steroids?
also-helpful: That would have been my guess
also-helpful: You're sure it's a drug? I've heard it as slang for 'anorexia'
helpful: that's what I wondered but she said no :)
also-helpful: oh, i see
cluechick: yes, sure it's a drug
cutiepie: maybe epinephrine?
cutiepie: (I'm searching google for "ana drug", which is not very clear)
cluechick: yeah, I searched for "drug slang"
cluechick: but none of those lists include it
cluechick: so maybe it's new, or a typo, or I'm misunderstanding what, "Maybe you'd like to do a bit of ana" means
cluechick: maybe it's a sex act
helpful: anal.
also-helpful: anal
also-helpful: jinx!
helpful: if this is in casual-sex mail, that seems far the most likely reading :)
cluechick: oh. duh

Seriously! Duh.

But, after laughing at me, you all can take a lesson here: typos actually do matter. Usually, it's no big deal, but other times... well, you may be sending a message entirely different from what you mean.

May 3, 2006

Want to watch my tits bounce? Be a sweet talker.

This response to one of my ads has me a bit flabbergasted:

WELL I THINK WECOULD BE AGOOD MATCH BECAUSE I LOVE SEX AND I TAKE CARE OF MY PARTNER I LOVE TO TRY NEW MOVE WITH A WILLING PARTNER.I HOPE YOU LIKE THE TOP BECAUSE I LOVE TO WATCH TITS BOUNCE I LIKE TIT FUCKING TOO I LIKE IT ALL. LET ME SHOW YOU.

I'm sorry to say that I'm not making this up. Seriously, how could I? This is one of those cases where truth is stranger than fiction, because if I made this sort of thing up, I would look at it and then laugh at myself and say, "Chick, what the hell are you thinking? No one would ever write something so ridiculously absurd! Go make up something that people will believe!"

Even if I try to lowercase it in my head, it's still ridiculous. Maybe there's some woman out there who loves this sort of thing, but I'm not she. Maybe my man here will, someday, find her. If so, good luck to both of them!

April 6, 2006

Pickups by proxy


hi there

i'd love to surprise my Master with someone like you. if you'd be interested in chatting about it, please drop me a note sometime

This approach stands on its own, of course, as yet another impressively poor email introduction. But let's say that you're in a relationship where you like to, or are asked to, pick up partners for your partner. What's the best way to do that?

In many ways, whether you're trying to pick someone up for yourself or for your friend or lover (or "Master", though y'all won't be surprised to know that term rubs me the wrong way, and my feelings on the gratuitous capitalization are... well... not good), how to approach it is the same: You want to express yourself clearly -- what you're looking for, and why this person seems like s/he'll be a good fit, as well as a bit of appropriately tempting advertising so as to pique your target's interest.

What's different about one of these, though, is that if you're doing the picking up on behalf of someone else, you'd better explain why it is that you're doing it, and how your target can know that this won't be just a big clusterfuck. That is, I get an email from someone wanting to pick me up for his friend and I wonder, how can I know that just because this guy is interesting and writes well that his friend will, too? In the case of the above email, I wonder, what exactly is this "Master" looking for, what's the context in which the person who sent me the mail is trying to pick me up, and what does that have to do with me? More information is definitely in order.

Interestingly, an email that's geared toward picking someone up on someone else's behalf automatically stands out a bit from the crowd, because they're rather unusual. I've probably gotten three in the course of the last year, out of thousands. They don't even have to be spectacularly impressive to stand out, therefore. On the other hand, because they imply a higher level of complication, they do need to be clear, right from the outset, that this situation isn't going to lead me into a pile of psychodrama. Unfortunately, none of them have done that, so far. Is this inherent in any situation where the would-be-fucker is not the person making the approach? I'd like to think not, but it rather seems that way.

April 3, 2006

The challenge of the introductory email for online hookups


hi angel you look so pretty,really love to be your friend.am joe shmoe,love to have your yahoo id so we have instant chat,mine is joeshmoecontractors@yahoo.com really like to hear from you.please i will be waiting to see your reply.have a great day

Okay, so I'm on a roll with exemplar emails, so I'm going to keep up with the theme today. This email just arrived to my OkCupid inbox.

Here's the kicker for you guys out there: women online get a lot of email, so what you want to do is set your email apart. I've talked about this in the past, but it bears repeating. What may sound like a perfectly fine basic intro approach would be, in the context of 50 or 100 basic intros, just so much uninteresting noise. The bad stuff, like Mr. Shmoe, above, stands out for its humor value, but lots of guys who I'm sure are actually interesting and might be a lot of fun in bed shoot themselves in the foot by not thinking about the context in which their email will be received.

If you're writing to someone on a dating site, they probably don't get completely inundated on a daily basis, but they probably do get at least several emails a month, and she's probably looking for the ones that really shine. If you're writing to someone on Craig's List, you have to do even better, because she is getting inundated, as she'll likely receive more than 100 emails over the course of the first couple of days her ad is up.

Reread your introductory email in that context and imagine you're on the receiving end of it. Does it stand out? If not, think about what might set you apart from the crowd, because there really is a crowd. Just because it sounds good when its on its own doesn't mean it'll do the trick in a full inbox. After all, you may look hot in sweats and a t-shirt, but if you're going to try to pick someone up in a bar, you'll put a bit of extra effort into your appearance before you leave the house. Do yourself a favor and spiff up your email the same way.

April 2, 2006

This response seriously piqued my interest


I really enjoyed your post. You seem very upfront and honest, which, when combined, are a big plus! I'm 26, a recent grad student, brown hair, eyes, 5'9, avg build, witty, sarcastic, kissable, also honest and upfront. I'm terribly new to this, but I think we might make a good match since we seem to have similar interests. I'm totally single, no extramarital affairs here-that's kinda creepy.

You seem very comfortable with yourself, which is a huge turn on. Finding someone who is uninhibited is one of the reasons I was attracted to your ad. I think we are looking for very much the same thing- an ongoing, no drama, honest and safe place to have a lot of fun : ) I'm definately a little frustrated with "traditional" partners. I guess my tastes are a little more on the wild side. Can't believe I just used the term, "wild side". I do like to be a little kinky, but I'm not into any real pain, y'know, beyond just what's fun. I'm also pretty vocal, and its a big turn on to be with someone who is articulate in bed as well. I'm very openminded about a lot of things, and will try pretty much anything once. If you're interested, we can get into more detail about what we both really like, and hopefully we'll be on the same page for most of it.

As for my own history, I've always been safe. I've had a few longterm monogomous relationships, and everything else has been completely safe. I've also been tested recently, and hope you have been too. I'm trying to think of what else I can tell you about me... I have the thundercats logo on my desktop!

If you like what you've read so far, I'd really love to hear back from you. I have some pics too, if you'd like to trade. We could chat on the phone, and if all seems right, meet for some coffee or a drink? Let me know...

What's great about this response? First, he obviously read my ad. You all, even without having read my ad, can tell that he's responding to particular things I might have said, and you, most likely, could recreate some of what I posted, based on what he said in his response. He clearly took time to think about what he was saying and to consider if I, in particular, was someone he was interested in, and then took the time to convey that interest to me.

Unlike many men, who will leave it at, "You sound really cool!" this guy told me what about me seemed appealing to him, and the reasons that he, in turn, was a good fit for those things that I'd expressed.

Additionally, there's a lot of great personality in his response. He thinks extramarital affairs are creepy, and he's got a sense of humor about it. He describes himself using some standard details like height and hair color, but also something a little more offbeat, like saying he's kissable and witty. That's hot, both because, hey, kissable and witty are hot, and because the creativity that goes into stepping out of the standard descriptors is also hot.

He talks about the "wild side" and then pokes fun of himself for that turn of phrase. I love a prospect who doesn't take himself too seriously, and who has a sense of humor about it.

Finally, of course, he's not shy about talking about logistics like safer sex, which is a good sign that I'm dealing with someone who's up my alley in terms of up-front communication and discussion, not just about mutual fantasies, but about the details that make this kind of play safe and fun.

There are so many examples of bad responses, and sometimes coming up with examples of good ones can be tough, but this is one of my all-time favorites.

April 1, 2006

Yet more bad email

Okay, today I was going to post something more thoughtful, but then this email arrived for me on OkCupid, and it wins the Worst Email of the Week award, so, naturally, I had to share:


hi
how r u
liked ur profile
reply if ur interested . i too love sex and u appeal to me a lot
luv n kisses

The email was, eloquently, titled "hi". Naturally, his profile is similarly empty of content and completely spelled out "you"s.

What would make his email better?

First, there's the obvious point of going to the effort of spelling out short words like "are" and "you". On the one hand, I know this is a bit elitist, but the truth is, guys, there probably aren't too many women who would ding you for writing real words, and there are lots who will ding you for not, so it's probably worth the extra keystrokes.

Second, he says he likes my profile, but he doesn't say why. This makes it hard for me to know if what he liked is real, or if he's projecting it onto me, or if he even read my profile. Because my profile is relatively complete, it wouldn't be hard for him to find something substantive to comment on: "I see that you're opinionated. That's such a coincidence, 'cause I have opinions, too! That's why we're a great match!" or "When I read that you have a blog, I knew I had to write you, because I think blogs are awesome." Or whatever, just give me something.

Third, and I know this one is an easy trap to fall into, but I always have to laugh when someone tells me that if I'm interested, I should get back to him. This comes in many forms: "If you like what you read, hit me back." or "You can email if you agree we're a good fit." In general, here, I suggest going with the more optimistic and less duh-inducing, "I can't wait to hear from you!" or something along those lines. Unless a woman is completely stupid, she knows that if her interest is piqued, the way to handle it is to respond.

Finally, signing off with love and kisses (or luv and...) is premature. On the one hand, it's a small thing, and on the other, it makes me think this guy isn't going to pay much attention to, oh, I don't know, reality.

Tomorrow: a good email approach and what I liked about it.

March 30, 2006

Boring response #5826

Hi, Im sure your box is full but thought I would give you a try...Im a single male, 37, average build with long hair. I currently work in the music industry and have been a drummer and producer most of my life. Just looking for someone cool to go out and listen to some music or enjoy a night talking about life. If interested please say hi...

Things that are wrong with this response:

First, commenting on how full my inbox is just isn't creative. Lots of guys do this, and the first time or two, it struck me as a cute acknowledgement ofthe fact that, yes, I am getting inundated by email. Now, it's like a joke that's been told too many times. (This is where being a newbie to CE is helfpul, clearly! I'm way too jaded at this point.)

My ad specifies casual sex. If I want to enjoy a night talking about life, I'll call a friend.

The email is so generic as to be completely nonspecific. I mean, what exactly about this response gives me something to grab onto and get interested in?

Remember, when setting yourself apart, it's not just about saying what you're into, but presenting that in a way that sells me on the idea that not only are you into that, but that I'm into guys who ar einto that. If you can spin it that way, I'm likely to buy it.

March 6, 2006

Today's most amusing come-on

Today, I was killing some time on OkCupid when I got a message through the IM system: "Great pics! May I save one for some self entertainment?"

Interestingly, this is the first time I've gotten a request like this out of the blue. Guys I've hooked up with have asked for pics for this purpose (usually explicit photos, of which I have a few), and no doubt the occasional stranger has used my photos for inspiration without mentioning it to me, but having a stranger approach me with this request was new to me.

Now, normally, of course, I advice against this sort of thing, because, well, it's hard not to come off as skeevy when you do, but this fellow was polite about it, and I actually thought it was at least moderately classy (though also potentially skeevy) for him to ask rather than just do it (though I do assume that the photos I post online are likely to get used for any number of things that I don't want to know about.) This fellow was far away, though, and I had a few minutes to hear him wax poetic about how much he liked my pictures, and, really, who doesn't like to hear a nice flow of compliments in a completely unpressured context?

This sort of thing is not a good way to arrange a hook-up. I wouldn't at all consider meeting up with someone who approached me this way, but if you're just looking for a bit of online fun, there are worse ways than to be enthusiastically complimentary toward your target. And while, "Mind if I jerk off to your photos?" isn't a great way to start something you want to be face-to-face, the lesson of a well-managed compliment remains.

February 23, 2006

I can't make this stuff up: tonight's CE response

In response to my current CL ad, titled "What I want:" I received this thoughtful email:

"may i fart on your face dirty smelly woman??????????///"

I just want to know how he knows I skipped my shower this morning!

February 22, 2006

Older men, younger women, and casual encounters

I could write a whole blog on my pet peeves, but, instead, I started this blog. So you all will have to put up with the occasional peevish post. This is one of those.

I know there are a lot of older men out there looking for fun, and that's great. There are some older women, too, who are looking for the same sort of thing, and I look forward to being among them in another 10, 20 or 30 years, depending on what counts for old for you.

Something that bothers me, though, is older guys who try to pick me up. Oh, sure, I suppose there's no issue with a 50 year old fellow trying his luck with me, but all of my ads or profiles say my age (I was 28 when I started posting ads to CL, now I'm 29), and they all specify that I want to hook up with someone around my own age. And despite my clear specification, it's not uncommon for me to get a somewhat sheepish response from guys 15 years my senior talking about how young they are at heart, and if only I would give them a chance, I'd find older men to be quite fantastic.

Now, there are two problems, here: First, it always annoys me when someone knows he doesn't fit my criteria but decides that I probably don't really mean it, whatever "it" may be. "I smoke, but only between bouts of lovemaking. That doesn't matter, right?" Or, "You said you like to use condoms, but what if I pull out before I come?" Given the short length of most ads, the things that a person bothers to put in are likely to be things that are important to him or her, and worth acknowledging. The second, thing, though, about the older guys, is that it's such a pattern. I don't actually get a lot of men trying to get me to change my mind about what I'm looking for. For example, I don't have loads of email from married men saying, "Won't you make an exception for me, pleeeease?" I do, however, have loads of such email from older men.

I know that lots of older men are fantastic in bed, and I'm closing off lots of opportunities to sleep with men who know what they're doing with a woman's body. And I'm not saying no to them because I don't like grey hair (I do, actually, especially that salt-and-pepper thing guys with really dark hair get) or find older men unattractive. I could go into my various reasons for wanting to be with men my age, but the point is, that's what I want, and that's what I'm posting about. And I still get about 40% of my responses from men who are at least 13 years older than I am.

This makes me wonder: Can these men read? Do they care what their partner wants? Would they pay attention to other things I say are important to me? Can they not get a hot woman their own age? Have they bought into the obnoxious beauty myths of our culture that say that women aren't hot after 40?

They probably can pick up lots of women my age, but I'm not one of them, and that's why I'm clear in my ads that that's not what I'm looking for. That doesn't seem to stop them from trying, though.

February 9, 2006

How do you prove anything online?

A brilliant and incisive reader of one of my ads wrote:

prove u r a woman

To which I responded first with laughter, then with a glass of scotch. Now I'm ready to write about it.

How the hell do you expect me to prove anything online? Sure, I can send you a picture, but, um, do you really think that is proof? If so, you obviously don't know the ease with which someone can take an image file from just about anywhere and pass it off as him or herself. Please. Maybe if I respond from an email address that has a female name attached? Because for sure no one's ever used a fake name on an email address before, nuh uh.

Maybe the curvy shape my pixels take in forming words will be proof positive. Or they show up pink on your screen? Criminy.

Even a phone conversation wouldn't prove anything, as I could be a man adept at vocal adaptation. And that's assuming I'd be willing to give my phone number to such a literate skeptic as usually demands such proof, which is, needless to say, extremely unlikely.

If you think someone online is a man posing as a woman, and you actually hope to uncover it, demanding proof isn't likely to do it, either. But if your reader actually is a woman, you can bet that she's not going to bother wasting her time in such a ridiculous endeavor as proving herself to you.

February 2, 2006

Standing out: a double-edged blade

Dear Female I saw your ad on craigslist and I would very much like to meet you. I been trying to find someone for a while and getting nowhere fast. So I am just trying to find out are you real and do you meet men this way. I will gladly send a photo on a return email I am looking for someone who can keep up with my sexual appetite. I don't know what else to say except PLEASE OH GOD PICK ME!!!!!!! Have a great day thanks

It's tempting to put this up with no commentary at all, as it really stands on its own, but I have something to add, and now is as good a time as any.

It's entirely possible that this is this guy's best shot. He took some time and sat down and thought about how best to get a woman's attention. It's the capitalized bit that actually manages to do this, though, as I'm sure you noticed, it edges close to desperation.

Enthusiasm is a good thing. If someone responded to one of my ads with that level of enthusiasm and it seemed heartfelt, it would avoid that twist of desperation and make me consider responding. But because this is obviously a canned response, it just comes off as silly.

Take a step back from your email and imagine that the person receiving it will receive approximately 100 emails from men more or less like you. Do you stand out? That's the first step. The next step is to be sure you're standing out in a positive way. Standing out for being desperate or illiterate or rude obviously gets you nowhere, right?

I have to assume that the men writing me think that they'll hear back, or that they might, otherwise, why bother? So that makes me wonder, if you're going to bother to write back, why not take the effort to put together something that might sell you?

February 1, 2006

Just say no, thank you

Any email that you send in response to my ad should not include the phrase, "Then I will rub my nice big 12" cock on your clit and just put the head in and move around just a lil." If you must include that phrase, you should be joking. If you are not joking, I will laugh, anyway.

January 26, 2006

How to say no, thanks

Sometimes, after hundreds of emails into the ether, you hear back from someone whose ad you responded to, and you strike up a conversation. After the heady thrill of first contact fades, you come to realize that she is not the one. Not only is she not The One, but she's not even a possibility. Maybe her freckles remind you painfully of your high school crush. Perhaps her wholesome looks make you think of a grade school teacher and that just takes the wind out of your sails. Maybe her writing style grates on your nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. Whatever it is, though after exchanging a few emails, it's become clear to you that this is going nowhere. How do you break it to her?

The classic, and absolutely easiest way is to stop responding to her emails. If things haven't gotten too far, this isn't even particularly rude, in my opinion, since it's simply part of the online dating game. It is, however, a bit of a coward's way out. (Not to say I've never taken this route. That's part of what lets me recognize just how cowardly it is, after all.)

But say you've had enough of a contact that you'd like to let her down a bit more gently, or give her an explanation. How do you do it?

Personally, I'm fond of the gentle but true approach. "I've enjoyed our conversations, but I don't feel the pull toward moving it forward," for example. This expresses appreciation for the effort that's gone into things up to this point without putting any blame on either party for the lack of motivation to continue. Another reasonable option is, "I'm really hoping to find someone who's into nose licking and having learned that you're only into licking ears tells me that we're on different pages. Good luck!" Etc.

I like these either as the rejecter or as the rejectee. They acknowledge the quality of the contact and the fact that both parties need to be satisfied in order to move things forward.

What I don't like are a) rude rejections and b) overly apologetic rejections. In the case of rude rejections, it's really obvious what's not to like. "You're ugly and your spelling sucks. I can't imagine why I'd want to fuck you!" is, after all, not particularly ambiguous. But the overly apologetic rejections drive me crazy! I've gotten two of these on different occasions, once after sending a photo and once after a series of emails. Here's one:

I am thinking that we might not be a good match. I am sure that you are going to think that I came to that decision based solely on the pictures that you sent me, which is only partially true.

There has to be a certain feeling that I get from women visually, and I just did not get it at all when I saw your pictures.

Please do not take that as an insult, because it is not. It is less about your looks, and more about my hang-ups. You are a very attractive person, but I am not getting the right feel about it.

I just have very particular tastes in shape and hair and skin coloring and so forth. And we seemed to miss on just about all of it this time around.

I get rejected often (haha) on-line and in real life because of my height and because of my age... and it never bothers me, and yet telling you this is harder than hearing it about myself from someone else. I hope that you can appreciate my being honest with you, even if you did not particularly like what I had to say.

Now, this is honest and claims a lot of the responsibility for himself, so why don't I like it? Because it's condescending. He could have saved himself and me a lot of time by simply saying, "Thanks for sending your photo. Unfortunatley, you're not my type. Good luck!" But instead he feels the need to do a lot of bolstering, which, frankly, is absurd. The implication is that I'll be crushed by his rejection (wrong) and that it'll be a major blow to my ego (again, wrong, though I'll grant that my ego is unreasonably large these days, so it could use some blowing. (Er, not like that, you pervs!))

Taking care of someone and being sensitive to their emotions is a good thing, but it's important to be reasonable in understanding when that's your place. If you haven't even met in person, it is, yes, your responsibility to be polite, but it is not your responsibility to cushion the blow of your rejection. Just say what you need to say and move on. Otherwise, you look like a tool.

January 23, 2006

Do not pass "go"; do not collect $200

This response came in this afternoon on a personals site. In my profile, I say that I'm in my late 20s and looking for someone within 10 years of my age. I also, as almost always, specify that smarts are desirable.

try me you don't have to look elsewhere. i'm everything you want in one pkg. maybe a little older. look at it this way much better than the rest. i'll dojusy about anything for you try me what do you hane to lose accept time. i'm better than most 45-50 yr olds lets chat

His profile lists his age as 62.

I am pained.

January 11, 2006

When I said no, what I meant was... no!

Remember that guy I mentioned in the IM conversation post a couple of days ago? He's back! He wants us to "just chat" even if we're not a good match.

Uhm. Yeah. Because I just love awkward and dull conversations with people who I'm never going to fuck or become friends with in even the most superficial way. Uh huh.

January 8, 2006

How not to win me over: An IM conversation

A_Guy: hey kinky woman
thecluechick: hi
A_Guy: sorry about that pic
[He had sent me a dick shot after I asked him not to.]
thecluechick: thanks
A_Guy: I misunderstood
thecluechick: ok
A_Guy: am I gonna get spanked?
A_Guy: I bought a butt plug
thecluechick: we're not a good match
A_Guy: how come
A_Guy: are you looking for someone to dominate you?
A_Guy: we can still be friends
A_Guy: hello?
A_Guy: I need some pussy tonight

Now, let me break this down for you. First, as all twelve of my loyal readers know, I hate it when a guy sends me a dick pic after I've declined the offer. So, that, combined with the fact that this fellow was not all that interesting, was enough for me to send him an email saying, "Please, don't contact me again."

Most people will not be so explicit. In online communications, we often have to rely on a lack of response to tell us that the person is no longer interested, and that's not always true -- sometimes a lack of response is just an indication that the person is busy, and someone can be forgiven for trying a couple of times with a nonresponder. When it's a clear no, however, take the hit and move on.

Then, of course, he kind of flounders around trying to figure out what I want. Maybe I'll spank him? I could use a new toy on him? Or perhaps I want him to use it on me? What about being friends?

Most of us have probably done this flailing about thing when there's someone we're really into and he or she isn't into us, but... try not to do it. It just makes you look sad and desperate. I have a couple of guys who have been persistent in trying to make plans with me, but they've managed to do it without being quite so sad in the approach. Persistence paired with a solid statement of who you are and what you're after is far, far more likely to appeal.

In the end, I felt really sorry for this guy. And now you can, too.

January 4, 2006

Asking for credentials when responding to a woman's ad

Let's say you've run across an ad that, if accurate, was placed by your absolute dream woman. She's everything you're looking for, including the blonde hair and the big boobs. (Not that I'm saying anything about men's tastes, here, I'm just using the stereotype to set up my rhetorical argument. Not to worry.) You can't wait to meet her.

So, you respond, saying, "Hi, you sound perfect! When you say you have big boobs, how big are they?" or perhaps the ever-classy, "You mentioned your blonde hair... I'm wondering if you're a true blonde, if you know what I mean."

*facepalm*

Guys, guys, guys. It truly wouldn't have occurred to me that this was a necessary piece of advice if I hadn't received any number of these responses in the past few months.

Yes, if you're particular, you will, eventually, need to check her qualifications against your specifications, whether they're shallow or otherwise. But if you want a response, there's no way that querying a woman on her attributes will help you to hear back from her. "You say you're old... how old are we talking about?" That's just not going to work well.

Try striking up a normal conversation, and if you truly can't wait to squeeze your question into your first contact, try to make it at least a bit interesting: "I'm so excited that you said you're of amazonian proportions, because I have a total thing for women who are at least a foot taller than I am! How tall are you?" At least then you're letting your enthusiasm make up for your lack of social grace. And enthusiasm can go quite a long way.

January 3, 2006

How guys make the online dating scene hard for themselves

I can't tell you how many men have complained to me about all the fake ads out there and later in the same conversation said that they once posted an ad as a woman to see what it's like on the other side. Mmm, yes, I see the problem, here.

I know that the odds suck, and if you're curious to see what happens to women who post to CL, by all means, pretend to be one and reap the rewards, which include the fact that you're making life harder not only for yourself but for men collectively.

Another thing I've gotten a number of men complaining about is how gay guys put up ads as women to collect naughty photos. Again, I'm somewhat stymied at something insightful to point out here, since the obvious solution is ... (wait for it) ... not to send a picture of your penis on first emailing a stranger. Revolutionary, I know.

Please, feel free to leave tips in the hat as you leave.

December 14, 2005

Promise and reality in responding to personal ads and profiles

In Show off when you respond to a personal ad!, I said, "Give me a piece of who you are and make it real." Sapiophile suggested this statement could use a bit of fleshing out.

What I mean when I say that is that the responses I get anywhere -- be it Craig's List, Yahoo! Personals, OkCupid or elsewhere -- to a profile or a personal ad should be the opener to, if everything works out right, a long conversation. I want your opening gambit to promise me a lot, and then I want the conversation to back it up.

Think about it this way: Both of these emails are real responses to ads I've posted. (Yes, you're getting a little tidbit of information about some of what I go for, here.) Tell me which is more interesting:

I'm 28, professional, very intellectual, sometimes introverted and shy, not someone you would normally expect to be very dominant and kinky.

I'm open to exploring a variety of activities. I think the contrast of hard and soft, silky and rough, hot and cold is very sexy. You set the limits, keeping in mind that I am to have free reign within them.

I also happen to be a very deep, very respectful person who can also hold an interesting conversation. I'm also fairly attractive.

Or:

30 swm 5'9 light brown hair blue eyes good shape. I'm clean cut d/d free and a non smoker. Easy going but know what I want and not afraid to get it. Looking for a regular ongoing thing.

An email approach doesn't need to be long to spark interest. It should have the promise of an engaging conversation, of a connection. The first respondent above did that. He opened the door, conversationally, and left room for me to wonder what was beyond the threshold. The second guy, on the other hand... eh. There's no there there. There's no spark, no grab, no hook. He hasn't put anything of himself into his email, while with the first fellow, I get a glimpse into what he likes, what creativity may lurk under the surface. That's what I mean when I say you should give me a piece of yourself.

As for making it real, I hope that's obvious -- the promise of your email needs to be an honest reflection of what and who you are because that'll play out down the line.

You'll be glad to know that guy #1 above backed up the promise of his first email with several more really great emails, a nice face-to-face, and then some very, very fun play. My favorite!

December 7, 2005

The importance of follow-through when meeting new people online

Let's say you've responded to a woman's ad, and you've actually heard back from her. Congratulations! You've passed the most selective step in the process. You are not, however, out of the woods, yet.

Typically, I get between 150-200 responses to my CE ads. I'm usually posting in a major metropolitan area, so the casual section gets a lot of traffic. If I post an ad that's very specific in what I want, I can sometimes thin the responses down to about 50. At any rate, that's obviously more men than I'm going to hook up with before the burst of hormones that prompted me to write the ad wears off, right? So I'm going to do some culling. Generally, the quality response rate is about 10-20%. I once wrote an ad that garnered a bogglingly high 50% quality response rate, and no dick pics or one-line stat responses. But, typically, we're talking 10-20%.

Okay, so now I'm emailing with, let's say, 20 guys. I send my picture and an email responding to their first note, and I don't hear back from a couple, so now I'm down to 17-18. A handful of them burst my bubble by sending a really lame second email, so then it's down to 12 or so. And then a funny thing happens...

Some of these guys, usually two or three in any given batch at this stage, will send me an email saying something like, "I'm busy right now at work, but I'll email you tonight." And then they never do. To me, this means they've lost interest, and I move on. No big deal. But once, on a whim, I wrote one of them to say, "Hey, didn't hear from you, what's up?" And he wrote back, "I figured you weren't interested since you didn't write me back."

Men, I'm willing to take a certain amount of initiative in this whole process, but not all women are. But regardless of that, if you say that you will email/call/IM later or the next day, I assume that's what you'll do. Because I assume that people who say they're going to do something will then do it. If you don't, I will assume you're not interested and move on. If I'm extremely hot for you, I might try to remind you, but more likely, I'll sigh philosophically and focus on the guys who are still communicating.

If you say you're going to follow-up a contact with another contact, do it. Don't assume that if I don't write you back, I'm not interested. I'm on the other end thinking that you're not expecting me to contact you again until you call/write/IM. The only reason not to be in contact when you said you would be is if you're no longer interested. And that's what most women will assume.

December 6, 2005

Tuesday night's clue

When you're responding to a woman's ad in CE, don't call her a bitch unless you're really, really sure she's gonna like it. And even then, imagine you might be wrong and consider rewording before you hit "send".

Technically, he's not carrying an ax on the first date

There are a lot of whackjobs and wingnuts out there, and one of the hesitations I have regarding this blog is that, for the most part, it's incredibly easy to spot the real freaks out there. (I'm not talking about sexual freaks, those fabulous kinksters, so no one get your panties in a bundle.) Most psychos seem to carry their malfunction prominently displayed, and I'd hate to think that any of them would come here and figure out how to disguise themselves. My consolation is that, for the most part, these guys don't seem very interested in constructive input.

I was on a special interest dating site, and a new guy wrote me an email. As an opener, it was reasonable: he responded to specific things I said in my profile, and he was clearly able to communicate his interests, which seemed, at least at first, to overlap with mine. That was enough for me to give him my chat handle, and we started talking. From there, things got weird.

He started the conversation by pointing me to his photos page, where, he told me, he posts the photos that "fakers" and "players" send him, as a warning to other people. Pardon me? As in, a warning to women who might send you their photos? Or even warning us away before that? Of course, it was too late for me, since my photo was on my profile. I looked at his page to find literally hundreds of photos of women, most of them with hateful captions about how this one was a faker, that one was a liar, the one over there will say she wants to meet up but never will. He then spent the next 10-15 minutes talking about all the fakers he's met and how awful it was to try to meet people online.

Here's a clue: complaining about all the fake women you meet online is not the way to seduce a woman you meet online. Furthermore, spending a lot of time and energy putting up women's photos with mean captions shows an obsessive personality that's, at the very least, toeing the line into stalking territory.

I could go on; this guy was a real piece of work. But the main thing about him, and the thing that stands out even now, many months later, is this picture collection. This guy spends a whole hell of a lot of time obsessing about all the women who done him wrong, to the point where he'd rather do that than charm a potential new fling.

Why am I sharing this with you? Don't let this happen to you. If you find yourself becoming obsessive, negative, bitter... if the adventure of meeting people is dragging you down more than buoying you up... get the hell out and do something else for a while. Or else you'll turn into one of those people whose very existence is a warning, as well as an internally complete "Stay Back" sign.

December 3, 2005

Yet another way to make me roll my eyes

Sapiophile comments in Some classic bad responses:

On the rare occasion that I'm desperately bored enough to respond to one of these, I'll say something like "You sounds like you might be promising but you included so little content, it is hard to know. Why don't you write back and tell me some about yourself". Invariably the response is something like "If you want to know something, just ask, I'm very open." Um. Yeah. Because I have so much free time that I'm really going to interview you to drag the information out of you that MIGHT make you interesting to me. Not.

To which I respond: Sing it, sister!

I sympathize with the urge to elicit actual questions from someone before starting to talk about myself. It can be hard to figure out what to say, especially when I don't know what they're interested in hearing. The truth is, we all love to talk about ourselves, but it's hard to know where to begin. Besides, it's flattering to have someone inquiring about whatever bit of me they're interested in!

Usually, however, the people who respond to my request for more information with, "Just ask whatever you want to know!" get dropped instantly. Typically, these are people who don't include much information in their initial contact or profile (in cases of sites where people have profiles). This is especially annoying because I do include a lot of information in my ads and profiles, so it shouldn't even be hard for someone to say, "You mentioned you like to lick frozen flagpoles -- I tried that when I was little!"

Even if a woman doesn't provide a lot of information about herself, if you're trying to get a rapport going with her, if you want a chance to get to know her better, provide her as much opportunity as possible to find you interesting.

Men: Never, never, never respond to a woman's request for more information by insisting that she ask what she wants to know. It's like slamming the door on your fingers. The door is open, your hand is on the jam, and if you play it right, you might even get invited in. But if you make her do the work, after she's given you the opportunity to sell yourself, you're finished.

The fact that she responded to you in the first place is a good start! If you're interested in her, or if you think you might be, dig around a bit in your hazy memories of your past and try to start up a conversation! Tell her a funny story about yourself or a few little tidbits and then ask her questions about herself. If both of you have half a social clue, this will lead to something we call conversation, which should flow more or less naturally. It's how we get to know each other and decide if we want to fuck (or date, or whatever it is you want to do with people you're emailing).

If, on the other hand, you want her to mock you on a public blog, by all means, tell her she should ask anything she'd like to know.

November 20, 2005

What not to do

If I say I want someone close to my age, and you're 20 years older than I am, don't tell me you're "young at heart."

If I say I want something regular but not committed, and you're looking for a wife, don't tell me you know we'll just be a great fit.

If I say I don't want to hook up with married guys, and you're married, don't tell me you want something "discreet" (or worse, "discrete").

If I say I won't fuck you on our first date, don't email me with, "hey baby im free tonight and ill even bring condoms!!"

If I say you should tell me a bit about you, your stats don't count.

November 19, 2005

A good response

You'll notice that for the bad responses that I critique, I will often call them "classic". I won't do that for the good responses, though, because there's no "classic" good response -- there's no hard-and-fast formula that will get you the girl. But there are lots of formulas for how NOT to get the girl.

Here's a great example of a good response:

I'm originally from the rurals myself but years in the city have corrupted
me and turned me into a woman-eater. I'm the kind of man who's real sweet
and nice to you upfront, but close the door and pull the shades (or not) and
I'm entirely about one thing: a good, wild, animalistic fuck. I like to
take the giggly types of girls, you know the bubbly ones, and just fuck them
hard, telling them how it should be and showing them what to do. Finger in
the ass from behind, toys, getting tied up, lots of oral and dirty talk ... that's
just for starters. Don't plan for an hour, plan for a night--or a day.

And I'm not doing it just once. So be prepared to come back.

I'm 26, 6'2", 180 lbs, in very good shape, clean d/d, sane (outside
of the bedroom), down to earth (outside of the bedroom), decently
endowed.

This is awesome. What you can't see, of course, is my original post, which was titled "Wholesome girl for kinky guy." He works my original post into his response, gives me a sense of his personality (and sense of humor) and sells himself well. He leads with his strengths -- the best of which is his confidence -- and lets me in on his interests. He doesn't say, "I liked your ad because..." because he's worked that into the narrative of his email. I'm looking for kinky and wild, and he's telling me what that means to him.

Needless to say, this email got a response from me.

November 18, 2005

Poor guy

I'm 18 5'10" 165lbs from the suburbs. I'm very
inexperienced. Would you like to give me my first
blow or hand job? If you're interested I'll elaborate
further and send a pic

This one almost made me want to hook up with him just so he'd have to stop using this line. Almost.

Guys, think about what you're trying to do when you respond to a woman's post or personal ad. You're trying to sell yourself. What are your features? Why would you look awesome in my bed? Why should I want, no, crave, to hook up with you?

Yes, at some point, we're going to have to let each other in on our imperfections, the things that we'll have to know about each other, even if they're not necessarily what we're most proud of. But... don't start there.

This guy is probably really sweet, but there's a whiff of desperate hope to his email that is not the right first step to getting into my bed. I wouldn't want him to pretend to have loads of experience, certainly, but... he would have done better to leave off the discussion of his inexperience, or left it less explicit, and given me some personality to get my attention and then, down the line in the discussion, gotten into more detail.

Think about what you want to lead with. I recommend you highlight your strengths.

November 17, 2005

A classic generic response

Saw your post on Craigslist, and I'm definitely interested.
If you are looking for some fun, right now, or this evening I'd
love to get together. I live nearby and can host. If you're up for
a drink or two and then see what happens, that is fine by me.
I'm 26, 6'4", love to run, play rugby, and ski. I attached a photo
for you, so if you're interested let me know. I'm in the middle.
If not tonight, keep me in mind for the future! I thought your ad
was great, I'm always up for some fun and I love to meet up with
new people.

Now, on the face of it, there's nothing wrong with this response at all. In fact, it's pretty good -- he writes in complete sentences, carries the idea from beginning to end, sounds kinda fun. So why wouldn't I write him back? Because there's nothing at all in that email that tells me he's responding to me. He could have taken 10 seconds to include something about what he saw in my ad that he liked, and that might have tipped him over the edge into getting an email back from me. As it is, though, I bet he's sending this very same email to every other w4m post on CL that day.

Let me be clear: There's nothing wrong with responding to every w4m post on CL, but if you do, it's usually quite clear that your email is a generic response, with no personalization at all. And a generic response is significantly less compelling for me, as the original poster -- it makes me think that perhaps you didn't read my post at all. Maybe you're emailing every woman on CL without regard to what she's looking for, in the hopes that you'll get lucky. Maybe I'll take the effort to write back to you only to find out that you're not looking for the midget threesome I posted about.

Women include details about themselves and what they're looking for in their ads. If you can speak to those details when you respond, you'll give yourself a leg up in terms of hearing back from us.

November 16, 2005

Some classic bad responses

Later, I'll break down what makes a good or bad response, but here are a few examples of what I'd call bad responses. These are the responses that take me only a moment to decide not to respond to.

do you have a pic...I was intrigued by your post, and I think
I'd like to learn more about you.

Yes, of course I have a pic, but you're never going to see it, because you didn't tell me anything about yourself or give me even the slightest suggestion that I might like to spend any time or effort on getting to know you.

hey sexy,, still looking for some hot rough play? 34m here,,
5'11 175 with dark hair and green eyes,, i have pics!!

GREAT! This guy, at least, has pics (which he does not include in his mail), but, still, how has he set himself apart from the other 75 guys who sent me their stats?

how are you today .. read your ad would love to talk alittle
more about the possibilities of meeting up .. 27 male here

Again... boring! Seriously, why would he think that this would catch anyone's eye?

im just the guy you are looking for. wanna trade pics?

That was in an email titled "its me". I would have liked to have told him that it's not him, but then he'd have my email address.

These are all pretty obviously bad. In future posts, I'll be sharing humorously bad ones, breaking down the ones that are borderline, and discussing the merits of some of the ones that led to closing the deal.

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