ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Sometimes, I think I've seen it all. The guys who respond to all the w4m posts on CL in one mass mailing, with recipients visible, for example, always amuse me, but haven't surprised me in a long time.

Recently, though, I got two new ways to be wacky:

1. A guy sent me three emails in the evening, the first to introduce himself to me, the second to reiterate how perfect we are for each other, and the third to castigate me for not responding yet and to encourage me to respond ASAP. I hadn't read my email that evening, and was thus impressed to discover, when I did get around to it, that he'd sent three followups the next morning, first to castigate me further, second to remind me again that we're perfect for each other, and the third to tell me I'd be missing out if I didn't write him back.

Now, I'd never say that someone consents to be stalked, but I'm sure that if I responded to this guy, I'd be asking for it. Yuck.

2. A chain letter. On the topic of determining your value as a person by how many of your friends respond to your sending it to them.

Maybe he just needs more friends.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up. Today, I received this email to my profile on a dating site:

"would love to ram my cock in you"

It is accompanied by a photo of Prince Charming (naked, of course) squatting in front of his big screen TV.

I am hard pressed to explain why, exactly, this isn't getting me hot. Is it the impersonal lack of "I" at the beginning of the sentence? Maybe it's the TV. It's just so hard to be sure!

Posted by ClueChick at 1:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I know that not all 50 year old guys are skeevy. I mean, I have direct experience with non-skeevy 50 year old guys! And, yet, all the 50 year old guys I see on dating sites seem skeevy. Is it selection bias? Observation bias? A little of both? Or maybe I'm just not seeing the non-skeevy ones because they're busy responding to women closer to their own age?

Posted by ClueChick at 5:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm always suspicious of people who include certain phrases or descriptors. Things like:

I think deep thoughts. Uh. I don't even know what that means, but I suspect it's something along the lines of, "I have a high opinion of my opinions, and you should, too." Deep thoughts? Really? If it's not obvious from conversation, it's probably not true.

I know you said you like X, and I'm Y, but.... Now, I'll grant you, sometimes -- very occasionally -- someone will have something good following the "but..." in this kind of statement. Maybe he'll have a different take on the whole X/Y division or he'll be outside of it in some interesting way, but... almost always, that line is a lead-in for a long paragraph that I can sum up thusly: "I disregard your opinions, because they don't match with mine. Isn't that hot? Please do me."

My sign is ... What's yours? Is this the 70s? Do you really think this matters? Either you do, and, hi, let's not get into that, or you don't, and you're just using an outdated, slimy pick-up line! I'm amazed how frequently I get this one.

I like girls who... I actually use "girl" to refer to myself and my (wait for it) girlfriends with some regularity, just as I frequently use "boy" to describe my male friends. But very few of the guys who put this in their email seem to use it with any self-consciousness, and it just makes me fret a bit. I know they really mean women, and they'd no doubt say I'm making a big deal out of nothing if I raised a stink about this, but it nevertheless rubs me the wrong way if there's no indication of understanding the complexity of it all.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I can't decide, so I need your help. Which is the dumber thing to say when responding to a woman's profile on a casual sex site?

"I'm not a person who sleeps around and stuff and I'm looking for someone who shares that." ("sleeps around and stuff"? What stuff? Also, uh, what do you think casual sex is??)

"I'm looking for one special friend." (I think that's called a "girlfriend", in most cases.)

Oh, fellas, come on. I'm cheap, and I want you to be, too!

Posted by ClueChick at 8:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Damn. It's been so long since I posted that Firefox doesn't even remember the url to the posting form. I'm ashamed!

Not that there's been much for me to talk about. I've been focused in large part on other things than casual sex (much to the dismay of my sex drive), and I've generally been laming out on the sexual adventures recently. In fact, until yesterday, it had been months since I posted an ad, which leaves me with a dearth of annoyances to inspire my ranting posts.

And, in fact, I don't have anything to complain about tonight, either, because after a long spell of simply not having the energy to put together any casual encounters, I just sent off a new lover after a very, very fun evening.

But I do have an observation out of it! I had a free evening, so I posted last night saying as much but with the caveat that I might end up not wanting to get together, so people shouldn't get their hopes up. Several (i.e., about 100) people responded, most of them, as usual, worthless, but a few were interesting enough to strike up a conversation. One proposed coffee before he and I were both in (separate, obviously) dinner meetings. I couldn't make it, so he proposed another option for after dinner. Okay, but I might not be up for much, was my response, to which he slyly pointed out that we could just meet for five minutes and then be on our way if we were both tired.

This was a great move on his part, because it made explicit the possibility that it might just be a situation where we meet, chat briefly, and that be it. Simply having that on the table made it feel less effortful to make the meeting, even though I knew the odds were good that once we met, we'd chat for longer.

The other smart thing he did, which fully annoyed me at the time, was he didn't give me his phone number, even after I gave him mine. This meant that I couldn't text him after my meeting to say, "Oh, sorry, nevermind." Which I really wanted to do. But I have to be pretty down on someone or in a terrible mood to stand someone up, and that wasn't the case here, so I went ahead and met him. Seriously, this was a genius move. I don't know if he did it on purpose; I'll have to ask.

Naturally, once there, conversation flowed, he was as attractive as he'd let on (yes, he hadn't even sent me a photo! what's gotten into me?) and easy to talk to.

That was a nice reminder of why I like casual sex.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I often wonder why guys even bother to respond to my personal ads. I assume that they send the same email to every ad they think is even possibly real, but these responses are so ridiculous, lame, or offensive that the guy is assuring a non-response right out of the box. And I'm not just talking about the guys who say, "If your real write me back!" At least those are hopeful but clueless. I'm thinking about responses like this one:

Drop the bull-shit bitch.... If you want to get fucked so hard that you wont walk straight for a week, and your shit will be falling out of your asshole for another week... Send me your picture and phone-number right-now...

No guy thinks that's an appealing image, right? So he's obviously writing the email to get his aggressive, jerky rocks off. What a waste.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I just got an email containing the best typo I've seen in ages:

"This idea contains groins of truth..."

I want to see these groins of which he speaks!

Posted by ClueChick at 5:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

This week, I got an email that said, in full, "Your profile was perfect until you got to the nonmonogamous part. Too bad. I guess I'll go have dinner alone..."

Now, I know you guys have a hard time in the dating world. It can be tough to meet someone who strikes your fancy, and I know it's demoralizing not to hear back from the women you write to.

So I have to wonder, why bother writing to someone who exhibits one of your deal-breakers? I assume he was hoping that I would write back and say, "Hey, that thing in my profile? I was just kidding!" Silly.

Two points here: First, when you're writing a profile, there are a multitude of things you can mention. Therefore, everything you do bring up, you have gone out of your way to do so. Thus, second, when you're responding to a profile, the things that are mentioned are the ones that are important enough to bring to the fore. The conclusions one can draw from these two points are left as an exercise for the reader.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We all know how I feel about dick pics, right? I mean, really, they're not the way to go, unless you're looking to make a gay-man-posting-as-a-woman's day.

But if, just for argument's sake, you really must send a dick shot, it is not, usually, worth 1000 words, so you should also include some text.

But even more importantly, if you're going to (ahem) lead with your cock, you should definitely be sure it's particularly impressive, because, hey, you should assume the woman is seeing lots of other such pictures, at least some of which are going to be... standouts, shall we say?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (1)

"I'm definitely up to it, no string attached. I haven't got laid for sometime now. Let me know if ur still up for it."

No, no, nooooo!

Never, never tell a woman that your interest in her is based on the fact that you haven't gotten laid recently. Just don't. Honestly, what makes you think that would be appealing to her?

Posted by ClueChick at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I recently posted an ad on CL in the style of:

Me: [blah blah blah]
You: [blah blah]
The fine print: [blah]

This evening, I got this fantastic response:

Me: I have a great smile and contagious laugh. I like to have a good time in and out of bed, strong enough to get rough, smart enough to know when to do so and when not to! Plenty of finesse, knows how to touch a woman. You: Not 'crazy', not fake, truly looking for a casual encounter with a good man looking for safe fun. Seeking a man that is just as interested in pleasing his partner as he is about having his needs met as well. Giver and receiver! The fine print: Non-smoker, not married, not old (29). Always wear protection, always. Would never meet someone off CL w/o emailing back and forth. If you're serious about meeting someone to play with, email me!

He does all the things I look for: He shows he read my ad, is responding to me, not some generic woman, and demonstrates both wit and the promise of a good personality.

If this is you, you're about to get an email from my actual (not cluechick@gmail.com) email address. Don't spill the beans, okay?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Listen, fellas, I know there are young women out there who really like the daddy thing. And I suppose that just because I'm 30 and you're 55 doesn't necessarily mean that I won't want to fuck you. What does mean that I won't be interested in your 55 year old ass is the fact that not only is it too old for me, but it (and the rest of you) didn't read the part of my profile that states, "I'm only interested in guys who are around my age."

By emailing me, you show yourself to be the skeevy older guy who thinks he's "young at heart" or "looks 20 years younger" but who, in fact, is obviously incapable of reading a profile before responding to it, which does not bode well for your ability to listen to me when I talk about other things that are important to me in a relationship, even a casual one. Furthermore, it grosses me the fuck out when you suggest that we could take advantage of the age difference to play "daddy daughter games."

Your kink is okay, but it is so far from my kink that my sex drive is cowering in the corner at the mere mention of it. Again, if you had read my profile, it might have been easy to read between the lines and understand that I'm not the woman of your dreams.

Plus, frankly, you look insanely desperate when you email someone so obviously unlikely to be interested in you. And we all know desperation is never hot.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes, I don't know how I resist:

Hi sexy Girl,here is a German Boygroup,with STRONG Hard COCKS for your HOT HOLES.We see the Fantastic BODY and must Contact You.In your City we can meet us,You Test the BIG COCKS and we have a Great SEXACTION.We like to FUCK You...

Posted by ClueChick at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

You know what I hate? I hate it when I write a really great email or ad or post and proofread it carefully before exposing it to public view and only later discover that I've completely blown it an sent something totally wrong and not a little embarrassing. Is there any way to recover? I sure wish I didn't have to!

We all make typos, and thus, I generally expect that people will make allowances for mine, and I try to do so for others. But I also get a kick out of them. My favorite recent ones include, "I can hose or come to your place..." and the guy who typoed his own name.

All that said, it's better not to make typos. No, this isn't a job search, but if you're trying to pick up an intelligent woman, you're going to want to look as well-polished (while still real) as you can, and typos don't help.

On the other hand, better a typo than an entirely garbled message. One of my friends pulled that little maneuver a while back, and I'll have to post about it sometime soon. It's a great story, and he's told me it's okay for me to share it.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What, exactly, is an "upidity cunt"? Do you think I am one? I'm gonna go with yes on that.

I don't understand why people bother sending me long rants in response to my CL ads. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen from time to time, and they range from coherent and hateful screeds against women who have sex to bizarre and irrelevant ramblings about... I can't really tell.

But I wonder what they're expecting. Are they hoping I'll write back, infuriated by their comments? Maybe they think this will make them stand out from the crowd? Or perhaps they figure I didn't know that I was living a life of sin and their email will save me?

It seems like a lot of trouble to go to share your opinion with an anonymous stranger who is extraordinarily unlikely to respond. Where's the satisfaction in that?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I arrange most of my hookups by way of Craig's List, as you all know, and specifically the casual encounters section. I've taken to joking with my friends that you can get anything you want on CL: a new bed, a language class, a lover. I love the internet!

And CE is pretty clear: people are looking for hookups, FWB, what have you. So I'm always confused when I get a response from someone saying he's looking for The One. I, of course, am lacking the tendency toward traditional romance, anyway, and this whole "The One" concept is like a foreign language to me. But even setting that aside, I can't help wondering what's wrong with these guys who are looking for something serious on a board that's explicitly and specifically for non-attached hookups?

Do they want something casual but think their odds will be better if they make out like they're big romantics? Do they want something serious and have struck out with all the women who are on the road to marriage? Are they just deeply, deeply confused?

I always want to write these guys back and say, "Listen, that's sweet and all, but you look kind of pathetic and unfortunate when you start trolling the casual board for your one-and-only." I know that more than one long term relationship has come out of what was supposed to be a fling, and maybe there are women who are specifically hoping for that. But all that faking around would make me worry about what kind of honesty I was about to get in a relationship.

But, then, honesty -- and I don't mean honesty about, say, minor details, but, rather, honesty and forthrightness about how one is oriented towards oneself and the world -- seems not to be a huge priority for a lot of people. No wonder so many people end up unhappy.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Stupid things to say or include in your initial email to a new prospect:

- "I have been told by others that I'm a nice/sweet guy." This makes me wonder a) what he thinks of himself and b) does he agree with others' assessments? The best time to use the "other people tell me" approach is when describing yourself physically, if you feel awkward saying, "Hey, baby, I'm as hot as the day is long!" But when describing your personality, it's really better to use your own words.

- A school photo. You know that grey-blue mottled background that every school photographer in the world uses? It's unmistakable. That picture is not sexy. Also, you're probably wasting your time writing a 30 year old, just fyi.

- "Hi," cc'd to all 15 women posting to CE that day. This one just makes me laugh.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Today's classy come-on, from a dating site:

LOOK YOUR GOOD LOOKING YOU SOMETHINGS WE LIKE, ITS SEEMS LIKE YOU MAYBE WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR DONT,KNOW REALLY UNTIL WE CHAT SOME AND GO FROM THERE THROW ME A BONE WILL YA

Of course, the profile is empty and tells me only that this is a MF couple living in my state.

I can't even figure out what this person is saying. Well, okay, I know what s/he's saying (fuck us!), but, sadly, I have no bones for them.

Posted by ClueChick at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Poetry is a very iffy way to get a woman's attention. Have you seen how much crappy poetry there is out there? No, seriously, there's a lot. I'm sure the people writing it think it's good, but, wow, it hurts. And not in a fun way.

Therefore, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if your inclination is to respond to an ad for casual sex with poetry, don't. Poetry can be romantic, and it can be hot, but most often, it falls flat and is, frankly, a little embarrassing.

For example:

Subject: may the winds of romance bring the warmth of love (pick Me)

Body: Like roses in a garden, Kindness fills the air With a
certain bit of sweetness as it touches
everywhere For kindness is a circle that never, never
ends may the love we find just
begins I hope you like my poam, lets meet

Okay, now, to be fair, this guy obviously doesn't know the difference between casual sex and... uh... kindness? Love? I'm unclear, too. But what he needs, perhaps more than relationship advice, is an editor. What's with the weird capitalization? We're not even talking about Victorian capitalization of Significant Words here, since "with" and "for" get capitalized along with "kindness". Hmm. And I'm sorry to say that "poam" is self-snarking, because I'd really like to go somewhere with that, but I just can't.

I've read some hot poetry that would totally catch my eye as a response to a casual sex ad, but, somehow, it's never what shows up in my inbox. If you're inclined to go that route, run it by a few friends, first. Or, in a pinch, me. Because although I may laugh, I'm unlikely to be sleeping with you, anyway, and you know I'll tell you if it sucks.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

One of my favorite flubs, when men are responding to an ad I've posted on CL, is when he sends me multiple emails, clearly having forgotten who he's already responded to that day. I say this is a favorite flub for a couple of reasons. First, I have done this. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but there was an ad that was SO great that I agonized about responding to it, and then, after a long time, I did, but I'd spent so long thinking about what I might say that I... forgot that I had actually gone ahead and said some of it. So I wrote another email and sent it off.

Needless to say, the guy thought this was a riot, and also liked my enthusiasm, so it wasn't all bad.

Of course, normally when a guy sends me more than one email in response to a particular ad, it's a cut-and-paste job, which makes it less flattering. I don't know if he's sending it to me twice because he liked my ad both times he looked at it or if he just lost track of where in the w4m ads he left off. Still, as flubs go, this one is pretty harmless. On those occasions when I find him appealing enough to respond, I usually mention, with a gentle jab, the fact that he wrote me twice. The good ones respond with humor.

It's also revealing when the same guy sends me two emails that are different. This is rare, but it's happened a couple of times. In one case, we were clearly not a match, so I was sorry to have to decline his enthusiasm, but the second time, we clicked very well, and in that case, his enthusiasm worked in his favor.

I don't know that I'd suggest this as a deliberate attention-getting approach, but it is, at the least, a good case for doing a bit of personalizing of each email so she knows you're not a total cut-and-paster.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today's email exchange:

Him:

Nice profile! I'd like to hook up!

His profile:

...

Me:

Between your alacrity with words in email and the insightful observations in your profile, I can barely resist. Yet, I'm able to. Miracles never cease.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Every once in a while, I get a response to an ad that goes, "Hey, [name], is that you?" Paula, Jenny, Jess, Laura... these are the names I use to think about the other women who post to CL. We're sort of a secret society, but we don't necessarily know each other. Presumably, when Joe Blow writes me wondering if I'm Nikki, it's because my ad sounds a lot like her. I'd probably like her. We'd sure as hell have fun comparing notes.

I always respond to these emails to say, no, sorry, I'm not Loryn or Mel, and I pretty much never hear back from the guy, either, and don't expect to. If he wanted any woman who fits a certain profile, he'd've written me a regular email. Instead, he wants the one woman he wants. If I could, though, I'd love to get her email address, send her a note, say hi, maybe get a drink.

I'm just an average kind of chick, after all, but it's fun to contemplate the other women who are out there having NSA fun like me. What we need is a pin we can wear like a secret handshake, so when we see each other in the supermarket, we can nod over the honeydew, smile a smug, secret smile, and share that moment of connection with a stranger -- fleeting, like a hookup, but lasting, too.

Posted by ClueChick at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I know I can't expect to save the online hookup scene singlehandedly, especially not with a small (but loyal!) readership such as I have. But that doesn't stop me from being depressed when I get a response to an ad that says, in its entirety, "hit me back".

I mean, of course none of these guys have seen my blog, because they don't think they need help getting hookups, and if they don't get any, they figure it's because the women are fake or snobby (well, okay, snobby is right) or that the ads they're responding to are for spam or what have you. I don't even want to help these guys, so why do I care that they're still as clueless as before I started the blog?

I don't, really, and, yet, I can't help taking it personally when I get the same lameass responses. It's not that I want that guy to have improved, because if he's really that clueless, I'm glad to have an easy way to recognize him. Instead, it's that I want him to stop bothering me. Some brilliant geek needs to come up with a "lame response" filter for me.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

One of my favorite "what the...?" responses is one i get in response to about half the ads I post, and it's some variation on the theme, "You're a faker!"

Yes, that's right, I'm a faker, and thus, clearly, the thing to do is... uh... email me! Now, if I am, in fact, fake, then emailing me will give your email address to either a spambot or someone collecting email addresses for some other purpose. And if I'm not fake, I'm going to delete your email.

Is the hope that I'll protest my innocence, thus sparking an email exchange? I can only imagine that's the case. I wonder if it ever works.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

You know those people who hog conversations? These are the ones who trap you in the corner and yammer on about whatever they're interested in, without regard to whether or not the person they've pinned to the wall (in a wholly unsexy way) cares about what they're talking about or has anything to say about it. Yes, we all know these people.

I can't decide if I think it's worse to get trapped by one of these people who's talking about something about which I have an opinion and, thus, feel frustrated at not getting a chance to share said opinion, or one who's talking about something that couldn't bore me more, because I do hate being bored.

It turns out that these people exist in cyberspace, too. In response to one of my ads, this type of guy goes on and on in an email that's at least three times longer than my original ad. Possibly more. He talks all about himself and things that interest him and never asks a question or leaves me a conversational "hook" to help me know how to respond to him. He usually closes with a demand that I should write him back.

These emails are usually very obviously generic replies that I can only imagine get sent to hundreds of women each week. I would be surprised if they ever get a response.

Guess why?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I recently received an email from an unusually well-spoken fellow, which said, in its entirety, "i have a great tongue to make you cuuuuuuuummmmmmmm"

As you might imagine, I was very, very impressed. I mean, who doesn't like to, uh, cuuuuuuuummmmmmmm?

Okay, so here's the thing. I like to come. Although I don't like it, I can put up with "cum", mainly because I have to. And it might be sexy to have someone say, for example, "Hey, baby, I want to feel you come," and when they're whispering it in my ear, I bet I'd like it if they were to draw out the word, like they're moaning. Yes, I can imagine that being hot.

But a string of "mmmmm"s in an email is not the same. It is not evocative. It is not sexy. It makes you look not only silly but downright sleazy. Don't do it.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Can anyone decipher this one for me?

Tall 36d???? a bit supm u live and work in town u are single u wont melt in the rain????

Posted by ClueChick at 8:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I am not making this up:

Ok, I saw your post on CL and noticed you're into kinky things...care to elaborate? Myself, I'm into seeing women get hit in the face with cream pies...don't ask me why but it gets me off. So if we were together I'd like to one day hit you in the face with a pie...would that be ok?

Posted by ClueChick at 10:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I posted a new ad today, and I just want to share my favorite of the unfortunate responses:

"I'm interested in you!"

That's all. Too bad I can't respond to him with a link to the blog!

On the other hand, I've gotten some promising ones, too, so it's not all bad!

Posted by ClueChick at 4:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Gentlemen:

Advertising yourself as a 25 year old virgin looking for casual sex is not the way to go.

Love,
Cluechick

Posted by ClueChick at 5:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Today's winning email approach:

"ok if your real holla at me ifnot its buillshit"

What, exactly, is a buill?

At any rate, I love a guy who can inspire me to holla, but this, sadly, is not he.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So, there are typos in your response to a personal ad. Big deal, right? I mean, we all do it from time to time (even I! Thanks to those of you who've pointed out my occasional typo!), and everyone can read what you meant to say, even if you munged a few letters...

Well, almost everyone. It turns out that the occasional absent-minded reading of a typo can cause great confusion. To wit:

Yesterday, I received an email approach saying, among other things, "I'd also like to try try some ana with you, how about youl?"

Now, it's probably obvious to everyone what "ana" means, in this context, right? Well, not me. Call me dense, or oblivious, or I-don't-know-what, but... I didn't draw the obvious conclusion. Instead, I thought, "Hm, I wonder what "ana" is? I know "tina" is amphetamine..."

Aside: I've never used recreational drugs, and I don't get a lot of exposure to them, so I'm used to not "getting" drug slang. This doesn't explain why my mind went there, but I do regularly get invitations to "go skiing" or smoke a joint as part of our get together, so maybe that's it.

At any rate, I Googled it, with no luck, and then asked some friends:

cluechick: What drug is "ana" slang for?
helpful: Not as in "pro-ana"?
cluechick: No, as in a drug
cluechick: I know it's slang for a drug, but I don't remember which one
helpful: Anabolic steroids?
also-helpful: That would have been my guess
also-helpful: You're sure it's a drug? I've heard it as slang for 'anorexia'
helpful: that's what I wondered but she said no :)
also-helpful: oh, i see
cluechick: yes, sure it's a drug
cutiepie: maybe epinephrine?
cutiepie: (I'm searching google for "ana drug", which is not very clear)
cluechick: yeah, I searched for "drug slang"
cluechick: but none of those lists include it
cluechick: so maybe it's new, or a typo, or I'm misunderstanding what, "Maybe you'd like to do a bit of ana" means
cluechick: maybe it's a sex act
helpful: anal.
also-helpful: anal
also-helpful: jinx!
helpful: if this is in casual-sex mail, that seems far the most likely reading :)
cluechick: oh. duh

Seriously! Duh.

But, after laughing at me, you all can take a lesson here: typos actually do matter. Usually, it's no big deal, but other times... well, you may be sending a message entirely different from what you mean.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This response to one of my ads has me a bit flabbergasted:

WELL I THINK WECOULD BE AGOOD MATCH BECAUSE I LOVE SEX AND I TAKE CARE OF MY PARTNER I LOVE TO TRY NEW MOVE WITH A WILLING PARTNER.I HOPE YOU LIKE THE TOP BECAUSE I LOVE TO WATCH TITS BOUNCE I LIKE TIT FUCKING TOO I LIKE IT ALL. LET ME SHOW YOU.

I'm sorry to say that I'm not making this up. Seriously, how could I? This is one of those cases where truth is stranger than fiction, because if I made this sort of thing up, I would look at it and then laugh at myself and say, "Chick, what the hell are you thinking? No one would ever write something so ridiculously absurd! Go make up something that people will believe!"

Even if I try to lowercase it in my head, it's still ridiculous. Maybe there's some woman out there who loves this sort of thing, but I'm not she. Maybe my man here will, someday, find her. If so, good luck to both of them!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

hi there

i'd love to surprise my Master with someone like you. if you'd be interested in chatting about it, please drop me a note sometime

This approach stands on its own, of course, as yet another impressively poor email introduction. But let's say that you're in a relationship where you like to, or are asked to, pick up partners for your partner. What's the best way to do that?

In many ways, whether you're trying to pick someone up for yourself or for your friend or lover (or "Master", though y'all won't be surprised to know that term rubs me the wrong way, and my feelings on the gratuitous capitalization are... well... not good), how to approach it is the same: You want to express yourself clearly -- what you're looking for, and why this person seems like s/he'll be a good fit, as well as a bit of appropriately tempting advertising so as to pique your target's interest.

What's different about one of these, though, is that if you're doing the picking up on behalf of someone else, you'd better explain why it is that you're doing it, and how your target can know that this won't be just a big clusterfuck. That is, I get an email from someone wanting to pick me up for his friend and I wonder, how can I know that just because this guy is interesting and writes well that his friend will, too? In the case of the above email, I wonder, what exactly is this "Master" looking for, what's the context in which the person who sent me the mail is trying to pick me up, and what does that have to do with me? More information is definitely in order.

Interestingly, an email that's geared toward picking someone up on someone else's behalf automatically stands out a bit from the crowd, because they're rather unusual. I've probably gotten three in the course of the last year, out of thousands. They don't even have to be spectacularly impressive to stand out, therefore. On the other hand, because they imply a higher level of complication, they do need to be clear, right from the outset, that this situation isn't going to lead me into a pile of psychodrama. Unfortunately, none of them have done that, so far. Is this inherent in any situation where the would-be-fucker is not the person making the approach? I'd like to think not, but it rather seems that way.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

hi angel you look so pretty,really love to be your friend.am joe shmoe,love to have your yahoo id so we have instant chat,mine is joeshmoecontractors@yahoo.com really like to hear from you.please i will be waiting to see your reply.have a great day

Okay, so I'm on a roll with exemplar emails, so I'm going to keep up with the theme today. This email just arrived to my OkCupid inbox.

Here's the kicker for you guys out there: women online get a lot of email, so what you want to do is set your email apart. I've talked about this in the past, but it bears repeating. What may sound like a perfectly fine basic intro approach would be, in the context of 50 or 100 basic intros, just so much uninteresting noise. The bad stuff, like Mr. Shmoe, above, stands out for its humor value, but lots of guys who I'm sure are actually interesting and might be a lot of fun in bed shoot themselves in the foot by not thinking about the context in which their email will be received.

If you're writing to someone on a dating site, they probably don't get completely inundated on a daily basis, but they probably do get at least several emails a month, and she's probably looking for the ones that really shine. If you're writing to someone on Craig's List, you have to do even better, because she is getting inundated, as she'll likely receive more than 100 emails over the course of the first couple of days her ad is up.

Reread your introductory email in that context and imagine you're on the receiving end of it. Does it stand out? If not, think about what might set you apart from the crowd, because there really is a crowd. Just because it sounds good when its on its own doesn't mean it'll do the trick in a full inbox. After all, you may look hot in sweats and a t-shirt, but if you're going to try to pick someone up in a bar, you'll put a bit of extra effort into your appearance before you leave the house. Do yourself a favor and spiff up your email the same way.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I really enjoyed your post. You seem very upfront and honest, which, when combined, are a big plus! I'm 26, a recent grad student, brown hair, eyes, 5'9, avg build, witty, sarcastic, kissable, also honest and upfront. I'm terribly new to this, but I think we might make a good match since we seem to have similar interests. I'm totally single, no extramarital affairs here-that's kinda creepy.

You seem very comfortable with yourself, which is a huge turn on. Finding someone who is uninhibited is one of the reasons I was attracted to your ad. I think we are looking for very much the same thing- an ongoing, no drama, honest and safe place to have a lot of fun : ) I'm definately a little frustrated with "traditional" partners. I guess my tastes are a little more on the wild side. Can't believe I just used the term, "wild side". I do like to be a little kinky, but I'm not into any real pain, y'know, beyond just what's fun. I'm also pretty vocal, and its a big turn on to be with someone who is articulate in bed as well. I'm very openminded about a lot of things, and will try pretty much anything once. If you're interested, we can get into more detail about what we both really like, and hopefully we'll be on the same page for most of it.

As for my own history, I've always been safe. I've had a few longterm monogomous relationships, and everything else has been completely safe. I've also been tested recently, and hope you have been too. I'm trying to think of what else I can tell you about me... I have the thundercats logo on my desktop!

If you like what you've read so far, I'd really love to hear back from you. I have some pics too, if you'd like to trade. We could chat on the phone, and if all seems right, meet for some coffee or a drink? Let me know...

What's great about this response? First, he obviously read my ad. You all, even without having read my ad, can tell that he's responding to particular things I might have said, and you, most likely, could recreate some of what I posted, based on what he said in his response. He clearly took time to think about what he was saying and to consider if I, in particular, was someone he was interested in, and then took the time to convey that interest to me.

Unlike many men, who will leave it at, "You sound really cool!" this guy told me what about me seemed appealing to him, and the reasons that he, in turn, was a good fit for those things that I'd expressed.

Additionally, there's a lot of great personality in his response. He thinks extramarital affairs are creepy, and he's got a sense of humor about it. He describes himself using some standard details like height and hair color, but also something a little more offbeat, like saying he's kissable and witty. That's hot, both because, hey, kissable and witty are hot, and because the creativity that goes into stepping out of the standard descriptors is also hot.

He talks about the "wild side" and then pokes fun of himself for that turn of phrase. I love a prospect who doesn't take himself too seriously, and who has a sense of humor about it.

Finally, of course, he's not shy about talking about logistics like safer sex, which is a good sign that I'm dealing with someone who's up my alley in terms of up-front communication and discussion, not just about mutual fantasies, but about the details that make this kind of play safe and fun.

There are so many examples of bad responses, and sometimes coming up with examples of good ones can be tough, but this is one of my all-time favorites.

Posted by ClueChick at 12:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Okay, today I was going to post something more thoughtful, but then this email arrived for me on OkCupid, and it wins the Worst Email of the Week award, so, naturally, I had to share:

hi
how r u
liked ur profile
reply if ur interested . i too love sex and u appeal to me a lot
luv n kisses

The email was, eloquently, titled "hi". Naturally, his profile is similarly empty of content and completely spelled out "you"s.

What would make his email better?

First, there's the obvious point of going to the effort of spelling out short words like "are" and "you". On the one hand, I know this is a bit elitist, but the truth is, guys, there probably aren't too many women who would ding you for writing real words, and there are lots who will ding you for not, so it's probably worth the extra keystrokes.

Second, he says he likes my profile, but he doesn't say why. This makes it hard for me to know if what he liked is real, or if he's projecting it onto me, or if he even read my profile. Because my profile is relatively complete, it wouldn't be hard for him to find something substantive to comment on: "I see that you're opinionated. That's such a coincidence, 'cause I have opinions, too! That's why we're a great match!" or "When I read that you have a blog, I knew I had to write you, because I think blogs are awesome." Or whatever, just give me something.

Third, and I know this one is an easy trap to fall into, but I always have to laugh when someone tells me that if I'm interested, I should get back to him. This comes in many forms: "If you like what you read, hit me back." or "You can email if you agree we're a good fit." In general, here, I suggest going with the more optimistic and less duh-inducing, "I can't wait to hear from you!" or something along those lines. Unless a woman is completely stupid, she knows that if her interest is piqued, the way to handle it is to respond.

Finally, signing off with love and kisses (or luv and...) is premature. On the one hand, it's a small thing, and on the other, it makes me think this guy isn't going to pay much attention to, oh, I don't know, reality.

Tomorrow: a good email approach and what I liked about it.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hi, Im sure your box is full but thought I would give you a try...Im a single male, 37, average build with long hair. I currently work in the music industry and have been a drummer and producer most of my life. Just looking for someone cool to go out and listen to some music or enjoy a night talking about life. If interested please say hi...

Things that are wrong with this response:

First, commenting on how full my inbox is just isn't creative. Lots of guys do this, and the first time or two, it struck me as a cute acknowledgement ofthe fact that, yes, I am getting inundated by email. Now, it's like a joke that's been told too many times. (This is where being a newbie to CE is helfpul, clearly! I'm way too jaded at this point.)

My ad specifies casual sex. If I want to enjoy a night talking about life, I'll call a friend.

The email is so generic as to be completely nonspecific. I mean, what exactly about this response gives me something to grab onto and get interested in?

Remember, when setting yourself apart, it's not just about saying what you're into, but presenting that in a way that sells me on the idea that not only are you into that, but that I'm into guys who ar einto that. If you can spin it that way, I'm likely to buy it.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Today, I was killing some time on OkCupid when I got a message through the IM system: "Great pics! May I save one for some self entertainment?"

Interestingly, this is the first time I've gotten a request like this out of the blue. Guys I've hooked up with have asked for pics for this purpose (usually explicit photos, of which I have a few), and no doubt the occasional stranger has used my photos for inspiration without mentioning it to me, but having a stranger approach me with this request was new to me.

Now, normally, of course, I advice against this sort of thing, because, well, it's hard not to come off as skeevy when you do, but this fellow was polite about it, and I actually thought it was at least moderately classy (though also potentially skeevy) for him to ask rather than just do it (though I do assume that the photos I post online are likely to get used for any number of things that I don't want to know about.) This fellow was far away, though, and I had a few minutes to hear him wax poetic about how much he liked my pictures, and, really, who doesn't like to hear a nice flow of compliments in a completely unpressured context?

This sort of thing is not a good way to arrange a hook-up. I wouldn't at all consider meeting up with someone who approached me this way, but if you're just looking for a bit of online fun, there are worse ways than to be enthusiastically complimentary toward your target. And while, "Mind if I jerk off to your photos?" isn't a great way to start something you want to be face-to-face, the lesson of a well-managed compliment remains.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

In response to my current CL ad, titled "What I want:" I received this thoughtful email:

"may i fart on your face dirty smelly woman??????????///"

I just want to know how he knows I skipped my shower this morning!

Posted by ClueChick at 10:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I could write a whole blog on my pet peeves, but, instead, I started this blog. So you all will have to put up with the occasional peevish post. This is one of those.

I know there are a lot of older men out there looking for fun, and that's great. There are some older women, too, who are looking for the same sort of thing, and I look forward to being among them in another 10, 20 or 30 years, depending on what counts for old for you.

Something that bothers me, though, is older guys who try to pick me up. Oh, sure, I suppose there's no issue with a 50 year old fellow trying his luck with me, but all of my ads or profiles say my age (I was 28 when I started posting ads to CL, now I'm 29), and they all specify that I want to hook up with someone around my own age. And despite my clear specification, it's not uncommon for me to get a somewhat sheepish response from guys 15 years my senior talking about how young they are at heart, and if only I would give them a chance, I'd find older men to be quite fantastic.

Now, there are two problems, here: First, it always annoys me when someone knows he doesn't fit my criteria but decides that I probably don't really mean it, whatever "it" may be. "I smoke, but only between bouts of lovemaking. That doesn't matter, right?" Or, "You said you like to use condoms, but what if I pull out before I come?" Given the short length of most ads, the things that a person bothers to put in are likely to be things that are important to him or her, and worth acknowledging. The second, thing, though, about the older guys, is that it's such a pattern. I don't actually get a lot of men trying to get me to change my mind about what I'm looking for. For example, I don't have loads of email from married men saying, "Won't you make an exception for me, pleeeease?" I do, however, have loads of such email from older men.

I know that lots of older men are fantastic in bed, and I'm closing off lots of opportunities to sleep with men who know what they're doing with a woman's body. And I'm not saying no to them because I don't like grey hair (I do, actually, especially that salt-and-pepper thing guys with really dark hair get) or find older men unattractive. I could go into my various reasons for wanting to be with men my age, but the point is, that's what I want, and that's what I'm posting about. And I still get about 40% of my responses from men who are at least 13 years older than I am.

This makes me wonder: Can these men read? Do they care what their partner wants? Would they pay attention to other things I say are important to me? Can they not get a hot woman their own age? Have they bought into the obnoxious beauty myths of our culture that say that women aren't hot after 40?

They probably can pick up lots of women my age, but I'm not one of them, and that's why I'm clear in my ads that that's not what I'm looking for. That doesn't seem to stop them from trying, though.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)