ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

Forgive me, internet, for I have sinned. It has been 131 days since my last blog post ...

Several people, friends and fans alike, have asked me recently (and not so recently) what I'm doing with this blog. And my response has generally been along the lines of, "I'm going to get through the next couple of months and then try to figure it out." I don't really know if I'm through the next couple of months, yet, but I do know I want to figure it out.

I'm not having nearly as much casual sex as I was when I started writing here, and I don't feel particularly drawn to go back in that direction. And it's pretty unlikely that I'm going to have enough CL fodder to keep up this blog if I'm not actively pursuing that sort of thing. On the other hand, I have some friends who are, and they might be interested in posting here, too. So I might be bringing on some new faces to join me and Sapiophile.

I may also branch out into more general topics, still with a focus on sex and dating and the idiotic things people (including myself, I'm afraid!) do, either on the internet or in person. We can all learn from the painful mistakes of others, can't we?

It's been long enough that probably most of my regular readers have given up, but I'd be curious to hear from you ... if I change focus, or broaden it, or open things up to other posters, would it still be interesting? Or is it (belatedly) time to close up shop?

Posted by ClueChick at 7:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I had a unique experience recently, which has led to a (very minor, but somewhat interesting) crisis of identity: For the first time, to my knowledge, someone recognized one of my CL ads as being written by ClueChick. Or, rather, as being written by the same person who writes ClueChick, which, as you may know, happens to be me.

Now, I've had a couple of friends recognize ads I've posted as being written by me, which has led to entertaining email exchanges, and I've had people who know me recognize my writing tone and say, "Heeeey, aren't you ClueChick?" But I've never had a stranger pick it up from an ad and connect it to this blog -- at least not that anyone's said to me.

I generally think of identity information about CC flowing in one direction. Lots of my friends know I write this blog (*wave*), and several other people who know me have made the connection (*wave*), and that has never struck me as odd. I don't do anything to disguise my voice, after all. But I tend to think of it being harder for someone to go from reading CC to knowing me in real life, which is largely true.

In fact, of course, ClueChick is an imaginary person. When I'm talking to my friends about the blog, I usually refer to CC in the third person, because she's obviously cooler and sexier than I am, and while I tend to walk around with a bit of a swelled head, that can only go so far. CC, on the other hand, is pretty much totally great, and there's no need for her to restrain her ego.

But what happens when someone who "knows" ClueChick meets the real me? At this point, I don't normally get nerves about meeting someone, but in this case, I totally did. Do I have to live up to CC levels of sexy and cool? That's obviously impossible, so what can I do instead? And who is this ClueChick person, anyway?

I don't really have any answers, yet.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I have a backlog of questions to answer, and several interesting posts to write, but I'm having a week (I know it's only monday) that tells me that now is not the time.

I'm going to be taking a break from blogging here for a while. I hope it'll be a short while, but I don't know for sure. I'll let you all know when I have an idea of when I'll be back.

In the meantime, everyone should go out and have a margarita for me, and pick up someone hot to take home with you.

Posted by ClueChick at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Just a little note to you all that I'll be offline this week for a bit of vacation. Happy holidays to everyone who has one you celebrate this time of year!

Posted by ClueChick at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Okay, you all remember the guest spot they're auctioning off for Savage Love? I mentioned it the other day. I've decided to bid on it tomorrow, because, hey, I love telling people what I think just that much!

If any of you would like to chip in a bit for it, that would be awesome. If so, send me an email privately saying how much you'd like to contribute. If I win the auction, I'll hit you up for a paypal payment in a couple of days.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

First things first: Dan Savage is auctioning a guest expert slot for his column, Savage Love in January. If you want to buy this for me, the link is here. Alternately, the astute and hot reader who pointed this out to me suggests taking up a collection.

In other news, I need to gloat. I have a wonderful friend who has been engaging in casual sex, infrequently but regularly, for many years. She did it as a single person, and more recently, she's done it with her husband (how hot is that)? But she hasn't talked about it much during that time, because, you know, casual sex is so questionable! And it's true, you never know when you're going to be talking about the hot guy you picked up on the net for a quick lay and someone is going to get all up in arms about how disgusting and immoral you are. I'll admit, even I, one of the most chill people I know with regards to this topic, worry about how some people will respond to the whole deal.

But, of course, one of my big hopes for this blog is to unpack and then get rid of the shame that's associated with casual sex. Sex is a great and fun thing to do, and if people want to be doing it, then more fucking power to them!

So you can imagine how delighted I was to hear that my friend and her husband recently picked up an incredibly hot guy for a night of incredibly hot sex, and to hear that, inspired by my example, she's talking about the experience with people, where she says she wouldn't have in the past.

Little things like this make me feel like, hey, I've done something, here! That rocks.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ahh, Thanksgiving! That wonderful little holiday that's so perfect for unplanned and unanticipated vacations. Sorry to have disappeared on you all, and I hope you were able to find other ways to entertain yourselves while I was offline.

I also hope you all had warm and happy Thanksgivings, including, I hope, plenty of fun and guilt-free sex! That's one of the best things to get out of a holiday, wouldn't you say?

Now that I'm back, I have a couple of backlogged questions to get to this week, including one on open relationships (Hello out there! I haven't forgotten you!) and one on why promising email contacts fall through. And somewhere in the midst of all that, I'll have to take some time to catch you all up on my latest, too.

I'll sign off with the entirety of an email I received in response to a recent ad:

"too many words... We just want to see pictures. Keep the talk between your girlfriends"

Posted by ClueChick at 8:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You know, normally, I leave my political leanings out of things here. Obviously, I'm one of those crazy progressive types, which I like to think is part of why I don't feel the need to wear hair shirts and punish myself for my wild ways.

Every once in a while, though, there's something so horrifying that I can't not say anything about it here, and today, I'm afraid I can't talk about sex because I'm too busy being depressed and nauseated by the "detainee bill" that's currently moving through the US Senate. Everything about this bill turns my stomach, and, more, scares me from my head to my toes about the direction that the US is headed.

"This is wrong. It is unconstitutional. It is un-American," said Patrick Leahy (VT). I could go on for pages about the horror of this, but I won't. If you haven't heard about it, read up on it. And then call your senators. You can reach them through the capitol switchboard: 202-224-3121

Posted by ClueChick at 3:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is my last post before I run off for a bit of a tropical vacation! Not that summer is necessarily the time when a tropical vacation is most needed, but, then, when isn't it a good idea to sit on the beach and sip cocktails while swarthy men rub oil into your feet?

Well, I'm hopeful about the swarthy men, at least, but I'm sure about the beach and cocktails. I'll see you all in a week and change. In the meantime, as always when I go away, I want to hear about your adventures! Comment or email me (though I won't be approving comments or seeing email much if at all while I'm gone) with your wild and intriguing stories so when I return, I have something juicy to read!

Posted by ClueChick at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In a couple of weeks, I'll be heading off on a much-needed end-of-summer vacation. Tropical breezes and froofy drinks, here I come!

But while I'm gone, I'd rather hate to leave you all high and dry, without snarky commentary on the online hookup scene. Normally, I'd ask sapiophile to fill in for me, but she's pretty busy these days. I could also try to prepost a bunch of articles, which I will do, anyway, but then it occurred to me: I have a whole bunch of very bright readers (I'm not just saying that to flatter you all), and some of you have, on occasion, mentioned that you might have a little something to say on a blog like mine.

If any of you is interested in being a guest-blogger-for-a-day, I'd be more than willing to entertain the idea. I'd need you to write the post before I leave September 8, so I can vet and schedule it before I'm off to piña colada land. Email me at cluechick@gmail.com, if you think you'd like to be ClueChick for a day!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

First off, apologies to all y'all who tried to visit in the last day or so, during the time that the machine hosting my blog was offline. And, of course, many thanks to the valiant geeks behind the scenes who dealt with it to get things up and running again!

While we were offline, I wrote a post that I've since trashed because it was boring, so you all can count yourselves lucky that I couldn't post it.

Instead, I'll subject you to a bit of my ponderings. What inspired me to start this blog in the first place was my desire to share with all the guys looking to make casual hookup connections online the advice inspired by their missteps and painfully unfortunate attempts. A lot of that is really basic advice, but it's still satisfying for me to write it out. That said, though, I'm approaching the end of interesting things to say about that stuff, and although people do write me with questions fairly regularly, a lot of times, the questions aren't interesting/new enough to generate a blog post on them. So, what this means is that I'm probably going to shift a bit away from that original mission and get into more general musings and thoughts. I have no idea if this will make the blog more or less interesting for people, but I figure it's fair to give you all a heads up about it.

In truth, I don't have a good idea how it'll look in the coming months. I'm sure I'll still have pieces of advice and snarkage inspired by the men I encounter on CL and other places. And I'll still be pleased to take people's questions and comments: that sort of thing is always entertaing and frequently thought-provoking. But, amazingly, I'm pretty much out of unsolicited advice (well, in this realm, anyway), so I'll be mixing things up here a bit more.

Posted by ClueChick at 3:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Okay, folks, I have a question that'll be irrelevant to most of you, but...

I was looking at my referral logs this morning and discovered that the single website with the most people clicking onto my page this month is... disney.com

... the fuck? Any of you Disney clickers out there care to explain?

Posted by ClueChick at 9:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's raining (again? still? I've lost track) and my sex drive is in a mess. This makes it hard for me to sit down here and blog up something interesting for all of you, because, well, I'd rather be either making out with someone hot or off in a hermitage in the desert (where it would be blessedly dry!) The best of all possible worlds would be to be in a hermitage where I could order up someone hot to come over and not get offended when I'm done with him, which could be 10 minutes or could be 2 hours. That's not at all unreasonable, right?

Sorry, y'all. I'll be back on my game in a day or two.

Posted by ClueChick at 1:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Okay, kids, I'm taking a bit of a break for the holiday weekend, so I have no deep thoughts for you today. As always, while I'm away, this is your big chance to think of your burning questions and send them to me so I have something interesting to write about when I get back!

Posted by ClueChick at 11:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In response to sapiophile's well thought-out post on picking up hot fat chicks, DJ commented, "Hi ClueChick. Why not post a pic on here so we can see how beautiful you really are?"

I don't post a pic for several reasons:

First, I like to be anonymous. I don't need my parents surfing their way here and finding a big picture of me attached to a long story about how I fucked that hot guy I met on the internet. Furthermore, I don't need my future employers doing a web search on me and finding the same. And that's not even getting into the messy can of worms I'd prefer to avoid with people who know me in real life thinking that just because I write a blog about casual sex means that I'd love to fuck them casually and whenever they like. A funny little secret about me is that I'm actually quite picky and (don't tell anyone) kinda shy.

Second, I already get lots of offers from my readers to let them take me out for drinks or the like. I didn't set up this blog as a way to meet people, and I think a picture would confuse things.

And third, people could look at my picture and do one of two things: Either they'll see how gorgeous I am and decide they have to get in my pants, thereby ignoring my advice. Or they'll see how totally not gorgeous I am (hey, everyone's taste is different, right?) and decide that all my advice is sour grapes and thus not worth listening to.

My point in writing this blog is not to set myself up as some fabulous sex symbol, but just to be the voice of everywoman, or at least every-woman-who's-enjoying-casual-sex, and toss out some of my observations and advice in hopes of a) helping clueful men get laid and b) helping women who like casual sex have better options among the men.

As I've suggested in the past, if it would help you to picture what I look like, you should feel free to think of some woman you think is extraordinarily hot and imagine her writing this blog. Just for kicks, of course. Alternately, you can think of me as a fairly average woman: hotter than some, less hot than others, but who happens to write reasonably well, which is why you keep coming back to read my blog, right?

Posted by ClueChick at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

People! I hate to break it to you, but I'm going on vacation. Skipping town. Getting out of Dodge! And this means that for the next two weeks, you won't hear from me. This is very sad, and I had hoped to write up some interim posts that I could set up to run automatically while I'm away, but, well, I'm lame, so no dice.

I have asked sapiophile to keep an eye on things, and she may even post once or twice while I'm gone. I will be back after Memorial Day, and with any luck, I'll have some great stories for you!

Your homework, while I'm gone, is this: email me with your confessions, your questions, your true stories and your desired adventures. Go out and have some adventures, and then tell me about them. This way, when I get back to my email, I'll have lots of juicy stuff to read.

Hey, it's only fair for me to get some from you all for a change, right?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You may have noticed some changes here this last week, most particularly with regards to my posting frequency. I had been posting twice a day Sunday - Thursday, and once each Friday and Saturday, but I've figured out that that's not really a sustainable pace, especially not right now when I'm having a lot of balls in the air (not that kind of balls, y'all) in my "real" life. That, combined with a crisis of inspiration, has slowed me down to one a day, except yesterday, which I missed. Mea culpa. Someone can punish me later.

I'm aiming for once a day, though, and will continue to aim for that, especially if I can figure out just where I'm taking this blog, which is where the crisis of inspiration comes in. I have a couple of posts brewing in response to people's questions and comments, but if you have things you're particularly interested in hearing me talk about, do feel free to comment or send me email.

One of the things I'll be talking about real soon now is inspired by today's WaiterRant -- the issue of being too polished is one I haven't talked about, since mostly I run into guys who aren't polished enough, but my favorite waiter makes an excellent point. So, for real content, today, go read that!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

On Monday's post regarding why I don't post my photograph, otwisted commented:

Are you sure they want your picture for those reasons?

Even though you are 'preaching the truth', I'm imagining that it would be easier to dismiss it as 'sour grape opinions' if they were coming from someone who is not visually appealing to them.

To which I'd like to say a few words. First, I do like to give my readers the benefit of the doubt (unlike people who respond to my ad, who usually see the sharper side of the axe), so naturally I'm going to think that they think I must be gorgeous and fabulous (although I maintain that I'm basically just average attractive -- to some people's taste and not others).

But, if you're the kind of person who's going to weight advice based on the looks of the person giving it, you should picture me as the most unattractive person you can imagine. You should imagine I look just as ugly as ugly can be, with teeth falling out and hair all over the place and whatever else isn't hot to you. Because if you're the kind of person for whom advice is only worth following if it comes from someone whose looks match some individual standard, then you're the kind of person who I don't really want to help, and I hope you shove off.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have gotten a number of requests for my picture, or for me to post a picture on the blog, or to make an exception and send my picture just to you because you like to see what the person whose writing you're reading looks like.

I'm afraid that the answer to all of these questions is no.

You may have noticed that the theme of this blog is not necessarily something that one would want, say, one's parents or bosses to identify as coming from you. For all I know, my parents or bosses are reading this blog and if you're a parent or a boss of a 29 year-old woman with strong opinions, you never know if I might be someone you know better than you think! (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Hi, Boss!)

And that's not even to mention if I ever have kids and this sort of thing is archived somewhere that they stumble upon it! "Sure, kids, not only did I fuck loads of strangers, but I bragged about it on the internet! No, of course I don't mind if you take the keys to the car!" (Actually, I probably would have that conversation with them, anyway, but there's no need to have this sneak up and bite me on the ass when I'm least expecting it.)

I'm sure you, too, can understand the importance of a certain level of anonymity here. But beyond the "this seems like a good idea," aspect of it, I also like the anywomanness of it. I like the idea that men could be wondering to themselves, on the way to a hookup, "Could this woman be ClueChick?" or picturing someone they know writing this blog. The point is that I'm just representing a whole lot of smart, discerning 20- and 30-something women who like to go out and have casual sex, so it's not actually that important who I am.

And my standard reply to men who want my picture, is to suggest you imagine me looking like your favorite porn star, celebrity, or crush. Or just make up what I look like. Because, after all, you want me for my words, not my body. Isn't that novel?

Posted by ClueChick at 7:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

For part of the next couple of weeks, I will be out of town and somewhat sporadically online at all, which makes it an excellent time to introduce my first guest blogger: sapiophile. Those of you who pay attention to the comments here already know that she's brilliant and insightful, and that she has a lot of good observations to share with you all. You don't know that she's one of my closest friends and has had some adventure of her own. I hope to be able to post almost every day, but even if I don't get on at all, I know you'll be in good hands while I'm away!

Posted by ClueChick at 11:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Thanks to everyone who weighed in on my question yesterday, both in comments and via email! It was extremely interesting for me to read your thoughts and the things you like about this blog. The overwhelming majority of readers seem to think that including more stories would be good, but mostly as illustrative examples, not so much in the erotica realm of things, and that feels much more like me, anyway, so that works out well.

In fact, a new reader emailed me recently to ask about my best and worst experiences actually meeting people, so I'll have to see if I can pick any of those out for your entertainment!

I started this blog as something of a whim, because I've been having such fun picking up men (and also not picking up men) on the internet for the last year or so, and on some level, I'd be enjoying writing here even if no one were reading it, but part of what has blossomed here has been a bit of a community of like-minded people, and it's really a blast to hear other people's stories and observations! I do, of course, hope that my advice might be helpful to the good guys out there on Craig's List and elsewhere, but at the very least, we all seem to be having a good time. I'll keep writing what I want to write, and you all can keep sharing your thoughts and/or questions when you're so inspired.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I often sing the praises of the modern world, and especially the internet, through which I can find just about any hookup or dating scenario I might want, all without leaving the comfort of my sofa. But I'd like to take a moment to plug my favorite free web mail service, which has made my online dating experience infinitely easier. Let's have three cheers for gmail.

Because of the way it threads conversations, when I post an ad, it's way, way easier to keep track of who's who in my "getting-to-know-you" back and forth. It's also got a great search function, so I can figure out if I've heard back from this guy in the past, decided he wasn't my sort of thing, or whatever, without having to go through the whole thing again.

And, of course, it's easy to access from anywhere.

I posted my first CE ad using a Yahoo! mail account, and a friend pointed me to (and sent me an invitation for) gmail, which I really think has made all the difference as far as managing the CE communication thing.

Anyone out there who needs an invitation (why are they still making people get accounts through invitation, anyway?), just let me know!

Posted by ClueChick at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In honor of a holiday I only somewhat celebrate, but which brings business-as-usual to a halt here in the US, I'd like to step away from my usual patter to talk politics.

This fall, we have heard numerous reports of appalling torture techniques used against detainees in the "war on terror" that the Bush administration has adopted as its legacy program. As a person who loves her own freedom and holds out hope for humane treatment between individuals and nations in the future, I have been deeply troubled by these reports, and by VP Cheney's ongoing support of such activities.

Naturally, we all want to feel safe in our daily lives, and it seems to be human nature to dislike and/or fear change, especially in the day-to-day. The events on and since September 11, 2002 have certainly impacted each of us in different ways, and each person will have to decide for themselves what changes are reasonable. I hope, though, that we will all come down on the side of right treatment of all people, with torture falling well outside the definition of right treatment.

Tomorrow, I will return to my normally entertaining reports and commentary on the online dating scene, but today, when millions of Americans celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, I'd like us all to consider expressing our outrage over these and other troubling political matters, wherever you are or whatever your leanings.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have received a few small criticisms, nay, suggestions, regarding my advice here. One fellow thinks I wasn't being fair to the nice boys I featured in Fuck me... please. He thinks I'm being narrow-minded -- let me get this wording right -- "stuckup snotty bitches lik u r y men on craigs list dont get laid".

This is as good a time as ever to 'fess up: It's true; I'm both stuck-up and snotty. That is, I'm one of those smart women out there, and most of my girlfriends are also smart women, so that's where all of my advice is coming from. If you don't care if the women you hook up with are smart, or if you prefer that they're not, my advice may not be very useful to you. On the other hand, if you don't care one way or the other, why not try my advice and broaden your prospects? Or not. Whichever. If, however, you get hot for smart chicks...

But, one of the (many) criteria that I use is smarts. I like intelligence. And one of the ways that I judge that is in a person's writing style. Although it may seem like I'm using shallow measures (eg, complete sentences), it's how the whole ad or email comes together, and the person he presents through that. I don't actually care if you capitalize and punctuate correctly (though that helps) if you can manage to convey an interesting and engaging person without that.

Obviously, it helps if you are an interesting and engaging person to begin with. Assuming that, the key is simply to write a conversational ad or email that can get across the essence of who you are and what you're looking for, which will, we hope, allow the women who would find you interesting in any setting will also find you interesting online. Easy, right? Well, if it were, this would be the only post this blog ever needed. Instead, stay tuned!

Sidenote: do I get to count this as my first hate mail? I think it's probably too mild for that. Pity. And I'm going to take a potshot here and say: It's hard for me to imagine anyone successfully conveying a personality I'd like to get to know better if he's replacing words with letters.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Nothing.

This came up in an email exchange with a reader, who requested that I respect his privacy and not share the (gorgeous, by the way) photo he sent me, or his email address, etc. Because I haven't said this here before, this is a good time for me to talk about privacy, the internet, you and me.

I will never post anything personal or private you send me without your explicit permission. That is, if you send me a photograph, a draft of an email or an ad, poetry, or a scan of last night's dinner receipt, I will not post it here or on any other web site. I will never share your email address in any forum unless you give me the OK.

That said, I may use questions people ask or topics that come up in private correspondence as a jumping-off point for a post here. I will not name names when I do so, and you may choose to identify yourself in comments, or not -- either way is fine. When I do this, I will not quote you without your permission.

If you send me a link to a really cool web site or other resource that I think will be useful or entertaining to my readers, I will almost certainly want to share it. In these cases, as long as the resource is publicly available, and any reasonable person could find it through a google search, I will probably go ahead and post it. This does not, obviously, include links to personal web pages and the like.

What you see me posting here does include real ads posted by men on various dating sites. As these are publicly posted, I think of them as fair game. Even so, I'll never post someone's email address (even one of the temporary CL addresses) without the individual's permission. I also sometimes post responses I've gotten to my ads or profiles on various sites. That is, responses to me as a private citizen, rather than as the internet personality, may well be featured here. You can avoid this by writing good emails in response to ads. In these cases, I always strip identifying information, and I always will.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

For those readers who would like to follow ClueChick through livejournal, you may add cluechick_feed as a friend.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)