Said Bookisms

"Could it be?" she asked herself perplexedly. "But my teachers told me the word 'said' is boring!"

As long as I've been writing stories, I've shunned the word "said" as if it killed my dog. My characters whispered, shouted, retorted, responded, replied, parried, thrusted, and riposted. Do creative dialogue tags make writing spicier, more exciting? Or is this one of those things you're better off leaving after high school, like inverted-pyramid essay structure and canvas hi-tops? (Kids still wear those, right?)

I didn't think much about it until my husband picked up The Age of the Antichrist , a Left Behind knockoff that ought to be sold with crackers. Here are some of the most magnificent dialogue tags I have ever read:

• "We have just made about four trillion dollars in less than five hours!" blew the lord.
• "Within days, we will practically own the earth!" bellowed a man not to be messed with.
• "I can't believe that you would watch a tempest swallow us and call it a lamb," slapped Patrick.
• "I'm sorry sir," appeased Patrick.
• "That's better, Mr. President. Very handsome," seduced the woman.
• "What are you doing?" pounced the dragon.
• "A question like that is not worthy of my comment," refired the man of God.
• "You are to be commended for your insight and humble walk before our lord," commended Bill.
• "Jehovah God has always protected Mr. Hoffman with the archangel Michael," calculated Satan.
• "Emmanual is the devil. He should be executed," dramatized the Prime Minister.
• "Allah has spoken to me. He wanted me to give you a message," falsified the Antichrist.
• "Allah has given this to you as a sign to trust me," devised the Antichrist.
• "Your wish is my command," hummed the Muslim.

If you Google related terms, you'll get pages and pages of words to use instead of "said." (Probably "appeased" and "refired" are not on those lists, which is what makes Jonathan R. Cash a man not to be messed with.) Looking for the con side is trickier, but Anne M. Marble has a terrific essay on this strange phenomenon. There's also a nice discussion of using book saidisms in moderation, and how to write so that you don't need them.

On the other hand, a good writer can use them to excellent effect.

• Shut Up! He Explained: A Writer's Guide to the Uses and Misuses of Dialogue

...It's a shorter list.

What do you think? Spice of life or double shot of Xtreme Nacho Cheez?