ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

So, here I am, reading one of my favorite feminist blogs, feministing, when I ran across this post about porn for women. Apparently, the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative has put out a book called Porn for Women. This pink-covered tome draws you in with the steamy, sultry image of ... a man vacuuming? This is a joke, right?

From feministing:

The book is simply titled, "Porn for Women," and consists of hot, sensitive men who are supposed to be a woman's wet dream. For example, one page features a guy reading the sports section of the paper saying, “Ooh, look, the NFL playoffs are today. I bet we'll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.”

I'm sorry, no.

Now, I'll grant you that I may not exactly be your everyday kind of woman, but I happen to hang out with a lot of women (granted, they also are not exactly mainstream, but they are women...), and here's the thing.

A man vacuuming is not enough to get me wet. And furthermore, it's patently ridiculous to suggest that women are so fucking desperate for a man who will help around the house (and let's not get into what's offensive about that little concept, shall we?) that a mere image of one will send her dashing off for her Hitachi.

The front flap has speech bubbles (speech bubbles?? this is hot??? what are we, twelve?) saying such scorching things as, "God, that's so interesting. Tell me more." and, "Want to snuggle?"

No. Just, no.

Now, listen, I like a sensitive guy as much as the next woman. I can totally picture jumping a guy in an apron. He can even be wearing something under it. Especially if what he's wearing is a black velvet shirt, and the apron is burgundy, and he's being all hot and skillful with a spatula and... oh, excuse me, I got distracted, there. So, yeah, that can be hot, and there's a place for it, but probably not for a whole book of it. Especially not when the book is full of simpleminded, trite phrases like, "Have another piece of cake. I don't like you looking so thin." (That's also from the front flap.)

What gets me hot is not a guy who wants to go to a craft fair over a football game but a guy who likes to do things with me. What turns me on is not a guy who gives me some line about being too thin but a guy who gets a hard-on when I rub up against him and lick his ear.

If I'm going to look at a picture of a guy to accompany my jilling off, it sure as hell isn't going to be some guy (no matter how attractive) gazing soulfully into the camera accompanied by an inane quote. It's going to be some attractive (but not necessarily fucking jock-y, thank you) guy doing something competently. But since that's hard to show in a photograph, you should have a quote from him talking about what he's doing and why he's passionate about it.

The Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative has entirely missed the mark. If you want me to like a guy for his personality, give him personality. If you want me to like a guy 'cause he's hot, make him attractive and give him skills. If you want me to gag on your overly simplistic stereotypes, publish this book.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Play or Be Played: What Every Female Should Know About Men, Dating and Relationships by Tariq "K-Flex" Nasheed.

Nutshell review: Run, do not walk, to your nearest bookstore or library and get any other book you find there to avoid purchasing this one.

Longer review: I got this book because, although it's geared toward women, I figured, really, how different is the game from the male perspective or the female one? And this fellow wrote an earlier book for men, called The Art of Mackin', so he's looked at it from both perspectives. Or something. Well, based on his writing, he's at least thought about how to sell a book.

Now, as you may have gathered, this book is geared toward the black dating crowd (and I'm white), but I'm not an essentialist, so I didn't imagine it would much matter (and I was right -- the book is pretty lame, regardless of what racial community you're part of).

The basis of this book is that men and women each have two driving forces, a primal need and a social need. For men, the primal need is to have an orgasm, and the social need is to have power through leadership. For women, the primal need is to get attention and her social need is to get appreciation.

Uh. Yeah.

The book goes on along those lines, spouting some impressively bad pseudo science for about 200 pages, using most of that to back up the premise that women should act like "queens" and hold out for "kings" and thus avoid the "cavemen". This is not a good book.

It does, however, include ten tips, which are summarized on the last page, several of which are good (I'm only including the good ones here):

1. Always take full responsibility for your actions and decisions.
2. Try to smile as much as you can.
3. Become a "nonverbal language" reader.
5. Learn to realize and accept when something isn't working for you.
6. Be comfortable in knowing that you have the power to accumulate the knowledge and game you need to improve yourself.
8. Don't rely on the "be-a-bitch" tactic to get quality men.
9. Always exercise self-control.

You'll note that these might be useful for people of whatever gender, pursuing people of whatever other (or not other) gender. Basically, this advice is: be smart, know yourself, rely on yourself, and be confident in yourself. There, I just saved you $12 and a trip to the bookstore!

Posted by ClueChick at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex by Joshua Piven, David Borgenicht, and Jennifer Worick

I assume we're all familiar with the Worst-Case Scenario Handbook series. These are mostly-joking books with step-by-step instructions on how to escape from disastrous situations. In this one, we're presented with a variety of implausible situations from which one might need to escape when dating or having sex. Actually, not all of the scenarios are completely implausible, and, of course, the book is written, as always, with a great sense of humor, so it's worth a quick read. It would also make a good gift for a friend who's just getting into the dating scene, or for one who has a couple of nightmare blind-date stories.

Among my favorite realistic scenarios: How to Determine if Your Date is Married, How to Fend Off a Pickup Artist, How to Survive If You Are Stopped by the Police.

Among my favorite implausible ones: How to Escape from a Bad Date (including instructions on climbing out the bathroom window. My advice here: Tell the date it's not going well and end the date.) How to Carry a Date Who Is Passed Out (the illustrations here have the woman carrying the man, which I love.) How to Fake an Orgasm (if you need step-by-step instructions on this, maybe you shouldn't bother...)

The most relevant to my recent experience was How to Remove a Back-Clasping Bra (with one hand). Now, normally when I've arranged a hookup, I dress for what you might call quick-and-easy access, and that often means I don't bother with a bra. But I was recently on a date with someone where we met for dinner and then came back to my place, and, of course, I was actually wearing a bra for the dinner out portion of the evening. Well, this guy had the one-handed bra removal technique down pat. I don't know how long it's been since I was subject to such an impressively smooth maneuver while undressing, but I don't normally make note of my date's technique in getting me naked, so it must have been a while.

It's always fun to be with someone -- either out on the town or in the bedroom -- who's got some solid tricks and skills to show off. This book may or may not help you develop those tricks, but you'll have fun reading it, regardless.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)