ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

So, I have this friend. He's a smart, capable, fit, entertaining guy in his 30s. He's great! Except, he exudes that air.

You know the air I mean. It's that air of desperation. It's the air that precedes him when he walks into a room so all the nice women there know to avoid him like the plague, and all the mercenary women perk up and think, "Oh, hey, I can string this guy along for months before he catches on that he's not gonna get any..."

This guy isn't looking for casual sex; he's looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage, and he's utterly miserable about the lack in his life. Seriously, he can't have a conversation without bringing it back to this at some point along the line. It kills me.

Why? Because if he weren't so achingly, painfully, heartwrenchingly desperate, he might have a chance. But I like him, and even I get the willies when he's around women who are potential matches, because I can feel all his clingy little psychic tentacles reaching out with trembling, pathetic hope that maybe... possibly... could it be...?

I want to tell him to chill out and relax, but, of course, that's no help, because, well, he really does want a girlfriend, and unless I have some specific suggestions as to how to chill out and relax, he maintains himself in this incredible downward spiral of flailing desperately, which makes any potential partner nearby flee in horror, which leads to more flailing...

So, listen, I can't tell him this, but I can tell you:

The absolute first step to being hot is not to need to be hot. In fact, it's not to need anything from the stranger you're meeting-and-maybe-interested-in. It's all well and good to need things from your friends or from your partner, but if the first sense I have of you is that you need me, you can be damn sure I'm going to run screaming. And the people who find that hot? Watch out for them. Abuse comes in a hell of a lot of forms.

This friend of mine, he has several great hobbies, which he continually talks about as ways to meet women. It's true that hobbies are great ways to meet new people, but you should be doing them for yourself above all. As long as every act you engage in is oriented toward finding someone to hold you at night, you're going to give off that air.

My advice is this: Find yourself. Make yourself a whole and happy single person. Create a life that is complete and fulfilling to you. Then figure out how to make a space in that will be comfortable and inviting to someone new, who might like to come home with you and spend the night and maybe make a life together, if that's the sort of kinky shit you're into.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

One of the challenges I run into is this: Having a hot hookup makes me eager to have more. It's the "the more I get, the more I want" feedback loop. So I can go a while being focused on other things, and that's great, but then something comes together, I have a great date, and I'm off to the internet to go shopping for more new lovers.

That, in itself, is fine. But the problem is that after a hot date, I want more like that. That's great if my new lover is local and has time in his schedule that matches the time in my schedule, but that's rare. So, now I find myself trolling CL for tall, dark, handsome men with a slight southern accent and who drink Grey Goose and tonic while admiring my ass in just that way. And with big hands. Like that guy I met Monday! Mmm, Mr. Monday!

So, now I'm reading all the responses to my ad through the lens of wanting that particular thing. Which is silly! Because I like lots of different kinds of men, and lots of different kinds of hookups, and of all the criteria to sort on, proximate resemblance to Mr. Monday is really just about the dumbest there is.

Which leaves me trying to read responses with, "What would the sane (i.e., not lustfully remembering) me think about this response?" It's not pretty.

On the other hand, Mr. Monday? Very, very pretty. I sure am looking forward to seeing him again!

Posted by ClueChick at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most fun elements of meeting people online is the excitement of a promising new contact. There are a lot of duds out there, or people who just aren't good matches (guys, that's a good thing to keep in mind when you don't hear back from a woman: there's a good chance that if you'd even gotten as far as meeting, you'd've decided, "Eh, she had promise, but, ultimately, no dice.") but there are also good matches, and you do occasionally find them, or they find you, and that's awesome.

But you don't know early on if someone will be a match or a dud, and hope springs eternal (or for a really long time, anyway), so on first contact with someone who seems just perfect, I often find my imagination running away with me. Just because he's articulate and witty in email doesn't mean that I'll like him when we meet, or, for that matter, the next time he writes to me, but it's the necessary first step. And because I'm an optimist, I like to look at those promising first emails as the door into something wonderful.

This is especially easy for me to do when he describes a fantasy sexual scenario that's perfectly up my alley. Er. So to speak. That makes it incredibly easy for me to get wrapped up in thinking about a) the fantasy b) with him. And that's a good thing from his perspective for obvious reasons.

Now, this is only moderately helpful for you guys out there, because you can't know for sure which of your fantasies might strike a chord with the stranger you're contacting, but if you pick one of your favorites, and you write it well, you'll at least be in good shape for finding someone who shares it. And that, after all, is the goal, right?

Posted by ClueChick at 7:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm going to get a bunch of details wrong in this post, I bet, because I'm too lazy to verify my memory, and that's not the main point, anyway. Following up on my last post, on first kisses and asking permission:

Back in the mid 90s, Antioch University (I think) decided to deal with a problem they were having with date rape and sexual harassment on campus by making a rule that a person had to verbally ask his or her partner's permission before taking a makeout session to the next level. There was a big stink about this on college campuses everywhere (or maybe just mine) and in a variety of newspapers. Absurd! they decried. How unreasonable!

Well, it did strike me as stiff, but after thinking about it a bit, I realized that it could actually be incredibly sexy to have a partner ask, if he did it in a creative way. No eye rolling or heavy sighing, but if he did it with a twinkle, so that it was an anticipatory rush, or a tease. He could ask permission to take off my shirt, and then not do it, leaving the potential to blossom in my mind. I could ask if I could slip my hand into his pants and watch his eyes react to the idea...

And that's when it occurred to me that asking permission to kiss someone could be entirely sexy. There are the other classic ways of making a first move, and they have a lot going for them, but in a setting where you want to be sure not to make an unwanted advance, and you think there is a not unreasonable chance of misreading signals, I go with the explicit question every time. And it's not even a fall-back. Try it; you'll like it!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Wanna know what I love? I love the guy who asks me for advice and then shoots down every suggestion I have.

Okay, maybe I don't love that so much.

Yes, I've got this here blog, and I have a few opinions every now and again, and I also have that handy little link in the sidebar so people can write me with their questions. Often enough, I don't really have much useful to say about people's dilemmas. Much as I'd like to have all the answers, I really only have like half of them. And it often seems to be the wrong half. (Use a thin coating of soap on the bathroom mirror to prevent fogging. See?)

But I do assume that when someone writes or IMs me with a question, that they, I don't know, want advice. But something that seems to happen pretty frequently in these circumstances is that this person wants me to fix the issue at hand, to give advice that doesn't require work on their part, or, if the problem is that he's having trouble getting laid, then obviously I'm obligated to sleep with him, as that would solve his problem.

Really, people, didn't your parents teach you anything? Complaining is entirely allowed, but don't ask for advice if you just want to complain. And if you ask for advice and then shoot down everything your friends or anonymous internet chick suggest, my advice is that you should expect them to get annoyed and hang up.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Oh, hey, look, it's Valentine's Day! I suppose the obvious tip for today would be something like, "Buy your chocolates tomorrow!" But instead, I'd like to say a few words about something that has nothing to do with that, nor with picking people up online. Rather, I'd like to talk about one of my favorite things in sex: noise.

When I first started having sex, I was incredibly quiet. I'm naturally fairly quiet and internal (not that you all would know that about me, so just trust me on that) and my first lover practically had to pry any noises out of me. Part of that was shyness, part of it was the fact that a lot was going on in my head and without practice, I didn't know how to translate that into movements and sounds to clue my lover in on what was good, and part of it was that incredibly stupid desire that many teenagers (and adults!) have that their lover should somehow read their minds to discern how to touch them.

So my lover made me make noise, and after a while, that came to be more natural, though there's also part of me that loves playing in settings where it's important not to make noise. (In fact, one of my favorite places for solo play, when I can get away with it, is on airplanes.) And now, in karmic revenge on his behalf, one of my big frustrations with men is their inclination not to make much noise in bed. So let me tell you why you, whether you're a man or a woman, should make noise:

1. It's hot. Who doesn't get turned on from getting a reaction from their partner? And how do you know you're getting a reaction? Body language and noises, especially the ones that seem involuntary: gasps, moans, shudders, whimpers. Come on, even reading the words is hot.

2. It tells your partner that you like what she's doing. If I'm nibbling a guy's ear and getting no reaction, I'll assume he doesn't particularly enjoy that and move on. I enjoy wandering around a man's body, don't get me wrong, but I'm also happy to linger at the points that are especially interesting for him. But only if he gives me a road map. Moaning when I lick your collarbone is a good way to clue me in to the fact that you like what I'm doing and want more.

3. It tells you that you like what's happening. This is the one that surprised me most when I first started making noise: Hearing myself responding to the attentions of my lover creates a feedback loop that is self-reinforcing. I hear myself sigh, and my brain says, "Oooh, we're really turned on right now!"

4. As a man, if you make noise, you will be in an extremely small minority, and women will love it. Trust me.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have a very tiny confession to make.

Lots of guys send pictures of themselves with a bunch of friends, and about half the time, I end up wishing the guy sending me the email was one of the others.

It's great -- really great -- to see real life type pictures from guys, but you should definitely be sure that you're the best one in the shot before you send it on.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've been browsing the w4m ads in the w4m and CE sections for the past week to see what my competition is, and I have to say, I'm not impressed. In fact, I'm kind of amazed that any of you guys are still trying. Kudos to you! Also, are you crazy? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad there are still hundreds of you out there responding to my every post, no matter how vapid (I'm kidding, of course. I never post vapid ads.) But, seriously, are you nuts?

Well, let's assume you are, and that you have a mailbox dedicated to responding to CL ads that you don't mind dumping and replacing every few months when it is overtaken by spam. I noticed a feature of many of the (few) w4m ads that struck me as real:

Real women are picky.

That is, most of the realistic sounding ads listed not only qualities that they were looking for, but characteristics that disqualified some groups of men, in some cases, large groups of men. Most of the super unrealistic ads say things like, "No matter who you are, I'll fuck you!" Is anyone dumb enough to believe that? Come on. But even the vaguely unrealistic ones tended to leave that open. But, by my count (though I'll admit I didn't respond to more than a handful), almost any ad that attempts to narrow the field by specifying age, marital status, experience level, or what have you, is much, much more likely to have a real person behind it.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I like it when a guy goes out of his way to impress me. Who doesn't, after all, like to be wooed? It's especially nice when it's a surprise, so I'm not, actually, much of a fan of the hallmark holidays. Oh, sure, it's nice to get a little gift on valentine's day from a sweetheart, but isn't it even better when it's just out of the blue, a little, "I'm thinking of you!"?

Yes, I think so, too!

Posted by ClueChick at 9:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The corollary to last night's post is the other side of things: we need to mean no when we say it, and say no when that's what we mean.

Unfortunately, it can be ridiculously difficult to say no. We're all trained, socially, to be amiable and friendly, and, in general, saying no is not friendly. We don't want to let someone down; we don't want to hurt someone's feelings; we don't want to come off as a bitch or as cold or... whatever.

So, instead, frequently, we hedge. We imply that even though it's no right now, maybe we'll change our minds later, even if we know we won't. We say no with a little laugh to soften the blow. We waffle.

Sometimes, we say no, but it's hard to say no, to reject someone, so upon repeated requests, each tiem, we soften it, until "no" becomes, "oh, sure, maybe just this once."

Other times, we say no and don't mean it. Maybe we want to be talked into something. Maybe we meant no when we said it but were willing to change our minds a little later on.

We are all responsible for this mess. Men, who are most frequently in the position of the suitor, asking, persisting, it is your job to listen to a no, even when it sounds like she may not mean it. There's a lesson here for her, too, after all, that pretending nonconsent muddies the waters for everyone. Women, who are most frequently declining someone's advances, don't say no if you really mean, "Talk me into it." It's not fair to yourself or to him.

And, of course, don't forget that sometimes it's he who says no, and she who persists, and that doesn't really change the fact that no means no. Or ought to, at least.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Let's say you're meeting a woman face-to-face after having met online. She tells you that it's just a meeting in public, and she won't take it to a private setting that meeting, and you agree.

You enjoy meeting each other and hit it off conversationally. You think to yourself, "I know she said it wasn't going to go anywhere tonight, but maybe..." So, you make the offer to go back to your place or hers. She declines good-naturedly, in a way that makes it clear she's not offended. Maybe she even indicates regret as she does so.

If you are not sleazy, you will leave it at that. You may hope that she'll change her mind, but any further pressure from you on this point makes you a jerk. Why? Because she has been clear, and you agreed to the terms of the meeting from the outset. One proposal of a change of plans indicates your openness to that option, should it become available. Pushing beyond that indicates that you aren't going to listen to me when I tell you no. Guess what that means?

It means that I'm not going to get into a situation with you where your ignoring my "no" puts me in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. So, I actually appreciate your giving me warning right up front that you're That Guy.

But maybe you're not That Guy. Maybe you just think that this is what you're supposed to do, or that I will forget that you would like to take me home if you don't reiterate it regularly? Maybe you're really, honestly a nice guy and you think that women say no when they really mean yes.

Unfortunately, some women do do that. But here's a question for you: Do you really want to be with a woman who isn't willing or able to make an affirmative choice? And do you really want to be with a woman whose "no" may or may not mean no? Doesn't that seem just a little risky to you?

You're probably a nice guy with good intentions, and you don't want to put a woman in an uncomfortable situation, right? You may think that this kind of pressure is just what's done in these settings, but it's bad news for all involved. Don't do it.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

One of the things I hate to see -- and it's all too common -- is a nice guy whose lack of confidence and social skills handicaps his options for sex and romance.

Last week, I was at a friend's house for a party, and a fellow I didn't know approached me to introduce himself in that purposeful way that told me he was interested not just 'cause I seemed nice but because he thought I was attractive. Great! We started chatting, and another man joined us. Great, it's a party, we're all chatting, and Guy #1 asks me a question about something I'm passionate about, and I launch into talking about it. Guy #2 breaks in with, essentially, "Let me guess your sign!" and then explaining his thinking when it turned out he guessed wrong. (Note: He did not literally try to guess my sign, but, rather, my origin based on my accent.)

This guy, despite sounding like a complete tool, actually seemed pretty nice. At other points in the conversation, he had interesting things to say, but they were rarely relevant to what other people were talking about. If he didn't know much about the current subject, he had to turn it to something he did know about, even if it meant dragging everyone with him to a topic they weren't interested in, or away from one they were. Unlike someone with a more laid-back and comfortable social style, he was not content to let the conversation drift into waters where he had to listen rather than talk.

This was extra-annoying because I really wanted to connect with Guy #1, but, in truth, it would have been annoying at any time. Conversation is a shared experience, and while it's not rare for me to find someone who can go on and on about a topic in a way that's interesting to me, even if the topic isn't one I would normally be passionate about, but it's essential to pay attention to your conversation partners' level of interest and involvement.

So, a few practical notes on this front, if you think you might sometimes steamroll a conversation:

* Watch eye-movements: If the person you're talking to starts the conversation with a lot of eye contact and the more you talk, spends more time looking away, especially to the side or to other people in the room, as though looking for an escape, it may be time to let him or her talk.

* Pay attention to body language: The more I want to escape a conversation, the more I will turn my body away from the speaker. If you're talking to my shoulder, you can be sure I'm finding you annoying.

* Listen: This one is pretty obvious, but, really, so few people do it. If you're actually listening to the conversation and what the other person is saying, instead of thinking of the next thing you want to say and then jumping it with it at your first opportunity, you're going to seem a lot more interesting and engaged. In fact, you may find that you are, in fact, more engaged.

The puppydogging approach of running from one topic of expertise to another only makes you look desperate and clumsy. And we all know that's never hot.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

One of the dangers of casual encounters, in my observation of myself and friends, is the risk of something casual becoming something serious. Why is this a danger?

In some ways, I'm pickier when choosing a casual partner. I'm much more likely to be shallow and look more at appearance than I do when I'm looking for a long-term steady. And I look less at personality than I do when I'm thinking about the guy as someone I'm going to spend a lot of time talking with. I'm fine with this, and it makes sense to look for different things from different people based on the role they're going to play in my life. Just as I wouldn't wear flip-flops to a formal event, I wouldn't take my casual fuckbuddy to dinner with my parents. Consequently, I'm less picky about my fuckbuddy's conversational skills, interpersonal interactional style and personal habits.

But what happens when I get attached to the casual guy, and he stops being so casual? Then I'm stuck with someone who swears too much to take home to mom and dad or who wears white after Labor Day or whatever.

In some ways, this is a good thing: Maybe I'm too picky, or the limits I put on who I'd Date date aren't as important as I think they are. It's not always bad when life teaches me a lesson, after all. But in some ways, it's a real risk. You won't find me fucking a republican, even just for fun, but my recent vacation fling was a smoker, which is normally a deal-breaker for me. I sure wouldn't want to end up in a steady relationship with a smoker, no matter how hot and awesome he is.

So, this is the sort of thing it's worth thinking about, at least a bit, if you're doing more than one night stands. If you're fully unwilling to think about something long term with someone who X, or if you deeply wouldn't want to be tightly intwined with someone who does Y, you might want to think very carefully about fucking a person who fits X or Y.

This doesn't stop me from choosing different people for one thing or the other, but at least I know who to blame if I make a misstep.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hookups are so flukey that it's a wonder any of them actually happen, ever. This is especially true of hookups that you arrange online. After all, if you're horny and she's horny, and you're physically together to start with, because you're at a bar or what have you, the energy you need to get over the inertia of making it happen is relatively low.

Online hookups required more energy to make them happen, since you're probably both comfortable at home while you're making that initial contact. The tendency is to look for something that's going to be hot and easy, and if it doesn't seem like it's going to be hot enough to bother putting on your shoes and heading out to meet, you might not bother making it happen, or she might not.

The vast majority of potential hookups that I start online never come to fruition. This may be because of him or me or circumstances or who knows what, but it's good to be aware that just because you're in touch with a woman and talking about the potential details of a hookup doesn't mean you're actually in the door.

This was a tough lesson for me to learn. When I first started arranging hookups, I would get all excited about this guy or that one with whom I had amazing "chemistry" via email or chat. We'd talk about fantasies and share favorite porn with each other, and I just couldn't wait until we actually got together! Then, of course, things would happen and the communications would peter out, or the dates would keep getting pushed back, or not made at all, and eventually we'd stop chatting and I'd be all disappointed.

Now, I look at this initial flirtation as a thing unto itself. It's not guaranteed to get me laid, but if it does lead to that, we're sharing important information about the things we like. And if it doesn't, well, I've had a fun chat or two with a stranger. And maybe I learned a trick or two along the way!

Posted by ClueChick at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm constantly surprised to see people looking for casual sex and drugs on CL and other sites. Maybe it's because my very first hookup was with a cop who told me that he likes to cruise CL for easy arrests, but it just strikes me as a bad idea.

Now, I've never used illegal drugs, and not because I have anything against them, but, really, mostly because I'm lazy and don't know where to find them and was busy being a goody-two-shoes during the years when my peers were getting busy experimenting with mood-altering substances. So I'm willing to assume that I'm missing something really, really hot by not mixing my sex with drugs.

But it still seems a little foolish to post about drugs on a public website, where the person responding might well be into what you're into, but could just as easily be a cop. Maybe I'm missing some magic code that people have, a secret handshake to allow each to prove to the other that they are for real? Still, I can't say I'd trust that in a casual setting.

Ultimately, I'm in favor of people making choices for themselves, including whether or not to use drugs, but given just how crazy drug laws are these days, I remain surprised what people are willing to put into "print".

Posted by ClueChick at 7:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I will be the first person to say that my little project of casual sex has helped me grow immensely as a person, both in myself and in my relationships, both sexual and otherwise. I've learned things about myself and general social conditioning that I could not have learned another way. In particular, my relationship to my body and to sex in general has improved immensely in the last couple of years, and I'm not sure that would have happened as quickly and easily if it hadn't been in the context of casual sex.

I've also learned, though, that a lot of people are looking to casual hookups to solve some pretty major issues and problems within themselves, from hangups about their sexuality, their kinks, their former relationships, to rebellion against social norms and mores that constrain them, and beyond. I am all for that kind of growth and exploration, and I'm pleased when a lover comes back to me and says, "Hey, that thing you said, that meant a lot to me, thanks."

But I am not signing up to be your capital-t Therapist. Just because we're fucking doesn't mean that I want to help you work through whatever shit it is you're dealing with in a focused way. If you start to talk about how much shame you've had about sex all these years, and I start to steer the conversation away, it would be good for you to let me.

Sure, sometimes pillow talk gets pretty intimate, and there's something about having that kind of conversation with a stranger that's uniquely freeing, but, as with other aspects of casual fucking, it's important to pay attention to whether your fuckee is getting something out of the experience, too. Unlike in a serious relationship, where lovers sign up to help each other deal with their shit, in casual relationships, getting into too much nitty-gritty can sour things quickly.

On the other hand, that kind of conversation can be pretty great. Just make sure that everyone's on board before your lay down on the couch.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

So, you've seen a great profile on a dating site, and you're sure that you can definitely show this woman the time of her life. But how do you get her attention??

Do you send her a message with the subject "hi" and a body of "nice profile!"? Are you surprised when you don't hear back from her?

Even on those dating sites where women aren't inundated by offers from men, both interesting and not, most women are just not going to waste their time on this sort of thing. At best, when I get a message like this, I roll my eyes and click "delete". At worst, I point my friends to the guy's profile (usually quite sparse if not totally empty) and mock him.

I'm far more likely to respond to a guy who calls out something in my profile: "I see you write a blog! That's cool, I love blogs," or "Hey, casual sex, that's hot!" I'm also more likely to respond to a guy whose profile contains useful information. I don't just care about your location (I'm only interested in local guys, or men who live in cities that I visit for work with some regularity), but also, oh, I don't know, what you're like. The great thing about profiles is that it's a one shot thing for you: you set it up and then you let it work for you! It's worth taking the time to make it good.

This is one of those things that seems so obvious as to be silly to point it out, but I've gotten 3 "hi" emails on OkCupid this week, so there you go.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of my favorite forms of casual sex (and the reason I forgot to post last night) is the out-of-town hookup. While I'm normally looking to meet people with whom I can have an ongoing casual thing with, when I'm out of town, I'm really just looking for some good, clean, one-night-stand fun, and somehow, changing my MO changes the whole dynamic.

There are a few things that are also different about the logistics of an out-of-town hookup:

First, I'm usually in the place for only one night. This means that the whole process is accelerated significantly. Where, when I'm meeting someone in my town, I'd plan to meet one day and then actually hook up some other day, when I'm out of town, I have one night to work with, so the meet precedes the fuck by only an hour or so.

Second (and this may just be me), I don't usually give myself a lot of time to make arrangements. Often enough, my travel is last-minute, or close to it, so I'm posting maybe a day or two before. This changes my whole selection process, which goes from, "Choose the best 10-15 and whittle down from there," to, "Choose the best three and go with whichever of those is most communicative and attractive."

The out of town hookup also means there's no dicking around (cough) about scheduling. Either he can make it happen on my schedule or he can't. There's no rain check.

It's fun to mix things up, but there are some additional challenges, too. The main one for me is that I'm usually arranging these hookups in the context of a business trip. That means that I need to be sure that wherever I'm meeting my new buddy is a place that won't involve me running into a) my boss or b) my clients. (This raises a point I've been meaning to bring up for a while: what to do if you DO run into people you know while out with a fuckbuddy. And vice-versa. Don't let me forget!)

When it all works out, though, out of town hookups are among my favorite, if only because they're such a great change of pace.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've talked in the past about my feelings on honesty: It's important. From my point of view, it's the right thing to do in most situations, and certainly in a relationship that you want to last, whether on a casual basis or on a more intimate one. Of course, the more intimate you want to be, the more important the honesty is, because, after all, if you're not being honest, how can the intimate relationship really be what it is?

But even in casual relationships, honesty is important if only so that you can feel good about yourself, and, perhaps more to the point, because it's easier. As I've said before and will, no doubt, say again, part of the reason for me to be honest, in general, is that it's a hell of a lot less work. I don't have to keep track of who thinks I've been doing X, Y or Z if, in fact, I've only been doing and thus talking about X.

Honesty comes into play early on: if you're looking for something particular in a casual encounter, being up front with that is good. One of my weirdest hookups was a guy who made like he wanted to be toppy and when he showed up, he really wanted me to push him around. Now, I can get off on either of these things, but, well, I do a lot better when I can set my expectation/anticipation meter to fit what I'll actually be doing.

Honesty counts beyond that, though, too: It's important to present yourself honestly. Aside from anything particular that you say, if your email or ad makes you sound like someone you're not, either in tone or attitude, that almost always comes through (though not always always, obviously) and it will limit your options. If I get that skeevy feeling of "this guy isn't what he's suggesting"... you can be sure I won't be getting together with him.

Do yourself a favor and take the easy road: be honest.

Posted by ClueChick at 2:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I can't tell you how many guys respond to my ads with some indication of how desperate they are to get their hands on a woman. Any woman.

"extremely horny have not had sex in a while"
"I love anything that turns you on!"
"I don't have lots of experience but I hope you'll take a chance on me..."

Okay, guys, listen up. There's no shame in not being experienced, or in having a dry spell. But it's also not the characteristic you should lead with. I don't want to know all your caveats right off the bat. What I want is for you to tempt me with a few savory morsels.

I will certainly want to know your hesitations or possible deficiencies before we get into bed. If you're nervous because you've never done X, Y or Z with a woman, but you want to try it with me, that's not necessarily the problem. But that's never the place to start. Offer me something to pique my interest before you get into the fine print, because if I'm not motivated to get out my reading glasses, there's really no point.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You're a boy who likes something unusual. Something kinky. Something just a little bit off the beaten (ahem) path. How do you find the unusual girl of your dreams?

Often enough, the ad or profile you're responding to will give you a few hints as to the type of scenario she's interested in. Is she looking for a tender lover who likes to go down on her for hours? Does she like it rough? Pay attention to what she says. If it's the same sort of thing you go for, tell her that. What I most want in a guy trying to pick me up is someone who gets hot for the same things that get me hot. It does me no good to find a guy who wants to have me dress up like a schoolgirl if that's not gonna get me going.

There's no problem with you saying what you're into if you think there's a chance the woman you're responding to will go for it, too. After all, there's no way to know if you've met your perfect sexual match, that woman who will be happy to paint you with liquid latex and then trace all over it with ice cubes (for example) if you don't say that's what makes you hard.

On the other hand, however, there's no point in writing out that fantasy for the woman who posted that she's only interested in missionary sex with the lights turned off (now that's kinky). Will it hurt you to give it a shot? Not really, but don't be shocked when you don't hear back.

Women who are interested in a variety of things will usually indicate it by leaving some open-ended hints in their profiles or ads, while those who explicitly close doors won't be a good bet for trying those long-shot interests. In general, people who like one offbeat thing are more likely to like other offbeat things. But that's not to say that just because she likes to leave bite marks on her lover she'll also be interested in tying him up, much less dress him like a doll and sing nursery rhymes to him.

It's hard to find people whose interests match up, sometimes, but when you're into something unusual, you have the advantage of looking in a narrowed field, and, no doubt, with less competition in most cases. As long as you're not wallowing in shame about it (unless that's your thing), you'll probably find a good match eventually, though it may take some time.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

One of the things I like about having casual sex is that I have more opportunities for first dates than I would if I were in one or a couple of long term relationships. First dates can, on one hand, be tiring and wearing, but they can also be invigorating and exciting.

For example, right now, I'm about an hour and a half from meeting a new boy, about whom I'm feeling very optimistic, and I'm completely atwitter. I've decided, mostly, on what I'm going to wear, but I'm fussing about my hair, and you all will just have to take my word for it that I'm not a girly girl who spends a lot of time fussing and primping under normal circumstances. But this fluttery, anticipatory feeling is fun. Oh, sure, it's also a bit nerve-wracking, and about ten minutes before I leave the house, I'm going to have an attack of the I-don't-wannas, but I get off on intensity, and the intensity of pre-date jitters is no exception. And those pre-date jitters are, for me, most intense in anticipation of a first date, or when I know that in this date, something special is going to happen.

This is also a benefit to the guys I meet, of course, since the more anticipatory I am, the higher my emotional arousal is when we have that first face-to-face flirtatious conversation. The more emotionally "high" I am, the more flirtatious I am, and the more open I am to his flirtation, too. So, some of what determines whether I'll take a guy home with me is my emotional state before I even get dressed for the date. If I had a good day, he's more likely to find me relaxed and receptive to his approach. The reverse, naturally, is also true.

There's not, of course, a lot that guys can do to control what happens to me during the day before I meet up with them, but you can help me feel anticipatory about meeting you. Be friendly, relaxed, and comfortable in your communications with me. Don't get into the long, drawn-out email exchanges: after more than 5-8 useful emails back and forth, the likelihood of my anticipation being high is decreased. By all means, avoid extensive one-line email exchanges. If you want to have a conversation with me, ask for my IM name, or, if our initial emails seem to warrant it, my phone number. (You can give me your phone number, but I'm phone-shy and usually extremely unlikely to initiate the phone contact.)

The more I like you before we meet, the better your chances of getting me into bed, obviously, but if you take it too far, there won't be any mystery, and that takes the anticipatory edge off. Tease me with information, but don't overwhelm me with details: I'll want you to (pun intended) fill in the blanks later.

Posted by ClueChick at 6:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I often see, both in profiles in dating sites and in posts on Craig's List, people saying, "I can't believe I'm posting this here. We'll tell our friends we met at a bar/party/supermarket."

People, get over it. I swear, even my parents have friends who've met people over the internet, which means that this is no longer shameful, much less weird or secret. If you are ashamed of posting there, don't do it. No, really, it makes you look silly.

Personally, I'd much rather fuck a guy who is up-front and honest about who he is and how he does things than someone who feels like he has to sneak around and is willing to do something that makes him feel cheap on the off chance it'll get him laid/a girlfriend.

Posted by ClueChick at 5:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

We all have them: profiles on various dating sites. Some sites give lots of questions for us to fill out, while others leave a general "about me" section that you can complete with as much or as little detail as you like. Even those sites with many fields don't usually specify how much you need to say in each one.

I have one profile that I particularly like, and I tend to use it, or parts of it, as a default when I'm starting one on a new site. I can only come up with so many thoughtful things to say about myself, after all. And I can understand the writer's block that comes into play when faced with a whole screen that I'm supposed to fill with scintillating details about myself.

So what's the point?

You should fill out your profile on a dating site because it's the socially acceptable generic letter that so many of you are fond of sending. You know, the one that tells me who you are without telling me anything about why you found me interesting? The one that I pretty much never respond to, because it's so generic and doesn't tell me anything about how you AND I might fit together? Yeah.

But on a personal ad site, this is your big chance to have all that information in one place, where I would expect it to be. And then when you write me a short note to start a conversation, I can look at your profile and learn about you!! This is great, because it doesn't make me feel like I'm getting spammed, it means you don't have to write as much, and it shares actual information between us.

I get lots of pretty contentless approaches on dating sites. When they're backed up by an interesting profile, the chances of my responding increase dramatically. When I get a thoughtful (even if short) approach paired with a good profile ... well, that's golden.

You've gotta give me something to work with, after all.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I've been thinking about cream pie guy, and in particular, Zachary's question as to whether I would let this guy (if he came across as not dangerous) hit me in the face with a pie?

First, let me talk about the general idea of responding to someone's personal ad. The idea, of course, is that they write an ad that appeals to you on some level, and you then respond, hoping to appeal back. You gradually expose (ahem) more of each other until you're ready to hop into bed or have a relationship or whatever it is you both are looking for. At some point in this process, you may want to share a detail about yourself -- perhaps an insecurity, perhaps a kink, perhaps a health issue -- that you know is not the norm.

I recommend that you not open with your most bizarre or extreme characteristic or interest. (I make an exception here for STD disclosure. You should always be up front about that.) But, if you are into a variety of kinky things, and you see an ad from a woman who expresses an interest in kink, you should not necessarily assume that her kink is the same as your kink, or that your most extreme kink will appeal to her. I suggest that you start with what I call mainstream kink: bondage (everybody likes bondage!) or sensation play (feathers and ice cubes) and maybe something more unusual, unless she has specified something already that moves things along a little faster. Especially if this is your first email to a woman, remember that she's likely to be looking for more than just a wild and crazy guy, who might want to cream (pie) in her face.

Now, two notes here: it may well be that cream pie guy was starting with one of his more moderate interests. In that case, he's given me an important piece of information. Additionally, if he's only interested in hooking up with a woman who would let him do this, then he might as well open with it, because if it's a deal breaker, why waste time? On the other hand, of course (and this gets to Zachary's question), I'm more likely to do something strange for a partner who I know and in whom I'm invested than for someone I don't yet know.

In fact, having a partner with a strong interest in something that has never interested me is one of the most surefire ways of getting me to find that thing hot. And, of course, I'm a GGG girl, so unless it actively turns me off, if it's important to my lover, I'm probably going to be willing to try it twice.

As to this specific activity, I'm pretty sure that if I had a partner who really, really wanted to do this, I'd be willing, but I have two small confessions: a) I hate having stuff on my face, especially sticky stuff, so this one wouldn't be on the top of my things to try, especially because b) I've actually had a cream pie-in-the-face experience, so it's not like I'd even get the purity point for it.

Posted by ClueChick at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

One of the most common mistakes guys make in trying to pick up a woman online is that they have crappy pictures. I know that we'd all like to think that we're beyond the superficial is-he-hot level of attraction and interest, but that's bull pucky. I, and every woman out there is just as shallow and superficial as all the guys, and we're looking to pick people up who we find attractive.

Now, unlike in a bar or at the library or in the supermarket, where I can check a guy out, see how he moves, how he flips his hair back, how he gracefully deposits a pound of chicken giblets into his cart, when I'm meeting guys online, my visual first impression is his photograph. Some guys are more photogenic than others, but, really, it's a rare guy who captures my interest enough that I'll go to the effort of meeting him without having a photo exchange first.

In fact, because the two guys I've met without seeing their photos first turned out to be very unappealing, I'm even less likely to try that again now than I was early on in my online adventures, which is too bad.

But I'm not necessarily talking about your looks. I'm talking about what your photo says about you.

If you're a tiny little figure 30 feet away from the camera, your photo is as good as worthless. I can't see what you look like, and I'm now annoyed because I've strained my eyes peering at the screen hoping the picture will zoom in for me. This photo says you don't want me to know what you look like.

If your picture is all grainy and dim, again, I can't tell what you look like. The impression here is that you never leave your house, have taken a bad picture with your cameraphone, and might be a vampire. Not good.

If your picture shows you with stringy hair combed over badly and is also blurry, you're telling me something, even if you don't mean to.

If you want to do the online dating thing, expect to be asked for a picture. And assume that the recipient of the picture will assume that you're sending pictures of you looking your best. Then rethink the picture you're sending in light of what else it might be telling her.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm back! Thank you all for being so patient with my extended vacation. I had a super-fantastic couple of weeks, complete with some possibly life-changing experiences, a whole slew of incredibly hot people, and a couple of firsts. I hope you all had a great two weeks as well, and that your stories will keep rolling into my inbox; I'm quite enjoying reading them!

Today I'm going to talk about feedback in casual encounters. When one is in a relationship, it's clear when you need to give feedback to your partner, right? Or more clear, at least. But sometimes, in a casual situation, I might desire to give feedback but fear that doing so will start to push things away from casual and toward serious and committed. After all, I think to myself, if we're going to have a processy conversation, that looks a lot more like relationship than it does like casual.

On the other hand, sometimes a little conversation goes a long way to making things go more smoothly, or more hotly, or what have you. So, from time to time, I will go against my native avoidance of big, process-heavy conversations (I don't even like them in relationships, though I'm less likely to work hard to avoid them in that context) and bring up a topic for discussion on the theory that it'll make things better.

"Lover," I might say, "as you know, I hugely enjoy fucking you, and I especially like that thing you do with your tongue. But it would really help me to relax when I'm with you if you wouldn't bring cookies to bed with you. The crumbs drive me crazy."

Okay, it's true, that's not necessarily a big, dramatic Relationship Conversation, but in the context of casual encounters, I sometimes feel like any feedback is pushing up against an unspoken rule of "This is working as long as no one has to change anything for it to keep working." That's fine in a one night stand, but if you have an ongoing casual thing, it might well be worth your while to bring this sort of thing up, especially if it'll help make things hotter or more fun for you. To be casual, after all, isn't the same as not to have opinions. Luckily for me!

Posted by ClueChick at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Cluechick is out of town for a bit so I promised I throw in a couple bits of "worth what you paid for it" advice in her absence.

Today's topic is: fat chicks. I'm one. Or, if you prefer, a BBW. Thick. Juicy. Zaftig. Plump. Curvy. Round. Voluptuous. Pick your euphemism, I'm a big sexy gal.

Now I'll admit upfront that I have no idea if my experience is typical for other hot, horny, casual-sex-loving BBWs, so this all might be a total waste of bits. But here are a few thoughts on the topic.

- Sex is hottest with a partner whom I find sexy and who also finds me sizzling hot. If you think I'm hot, that is a big point in your favor.
- On the flip side, if my body is not to your taste, that's fine, but then don't waste my time. Seriously, you would think this should go without saying, but there are horny guys who really prefer thin women, but they aren't getting any, so they'll settle for anyone with holes in all the right places, so they cast a wide net. When I detect one of these, he's a goner: my dance card is too full to let people to fill a slot who aren't really into me.
- To set yourself aside from one of those losers, let me know you like my body. If you are responding to a personal ad, you've seen my picture. If you are responding on CL-CE, I've described myself. Saying something specific about your attraction to my body ("I love your picture, especially the awesome curve of your hips. I love a curvy woman") lets me know that 1) you aren't a "holes in the right places" loser, and 2) you have absorbed the fact that I'm fat so there won't be any awkward surprises when and if we meet.
- BUT...there's a danger on the other extreme, too. There are BBW-fetishists who don't so much love women-who-are-fat as they love FAT-that-happens-to-be-attached-to-a-woman. I don't know how other large women feel about the fat fetishists but it is not my cup of tea. As much as I want you to enjoy my body, I want to be a person, first, NOT an archetype, a charicature or a walking flesh-mound. A few well placed compliments are good; going on and on at length about how much you LOVE my body and you want to touch it and lick it and feel my weight on you and grab my fat in your hands and squeeze, not so much -- I'm going to start thinking you don't care what's between my ears, as long as there's plenty on my bones. My fat is just what's under my skin, and not specifically an erogenous zone. If you are one of those guys who (I am SO not making this up) want to fuck my fat...? Move on.
- Don't make the dreaded mistake of assuming that "fat" is an insult. I'm fat, I know it, and I think I'm damn attractive. I don't need to apologize and I don't need you to either. I can't tell you how many conversations I have that go like this: "blah blah blah as a fat chick blah blah..." "Oh, you aren't fat, you've gorgeous?" "Um, dude, I'm fat. You didn't notice? I'm ALSO gorgeous." "You're just curvy. Today's standard of beauty is so artificially thin, you are just where you should be." "Yes, I'm fine with where I am, but where I am is one hundred pounds over the insurance tables, so let's not play word games, okay?"
- One hint that I'm a pity fuck and you are going to be watching my big ass waving at you from a distance. Or, depending on how I'm feeling that day, nursing a broken jaw.

99% of picking up a big girl is just like picking up a skinny one. The other 1%? Well, I think my main squeeze is just perfect that way: he doesn't lust after a specific body type but instead looks to all types of women to find the rare one who can be a treat for his eyes, his body and his mind. And then he lets her (well, me, anyway) know exactly how hot she is on all fronts.

Posted by sapiophile at 8:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I try hard not to pull the, "Tell me about you!" card unless I'm really stumped. I know that when I'm put on the spot with no seeding topic helping to crystalize my thoughts, I can end up paralyzed. "About me??" I'll think in a panic. "What about me? How I look? What I read? Where I grew up? My shower routine? What??" Then, I will, as unobtrusively as possible, sidle away from the conversation in search of something less stressful, like directing traffic in downtown Baghdad. Therefore, I'm sympathetic to the guys who freeze up in the face of similarly open-ended queries from me.

I will point out, however, that I only go to the broad and open question section of my trusty getting-to-know-you handbook after more specific questions have been dodged:

Me: So, what do you do for fun?

Him: Oh, you know, I like all kinds of stuff.

Me: Like what?

Him: Whatever, you know! Just whatever sounds good at the time.

Me: [grr]

Or:

Me: Tell me a bit about what you're into!

Him: I like sex.

Me: Oh, yeah? What about it?

Him: Well, it's, uh... sex. And sex is hot, so I like it. Yeah!

Me: Mmhmm. So, what would you say your style is, or what sorts of things get you going?

Him: Hey, chicks, man, they're great. I really like sex with women.

Me: Okay... [backing away]

The early stages of getting to know someone are tough. And to pull it off, both parties have to be willing to share the work. Ideally, you'll take turns asking questions, and when it's your turn to answer a question, you've got to, oh, I don't know, answer the question, perhaps even with actual information.

I'm not asking what you like in bed just to kill time, after all. If you give me the right answer, as soon as we're done talking, I'll drag you to my bed and rip your clothes off (or let you rip off mine). But if your answer makes me want to claw your eyes out with frustration, you can be sure that the only one getting any in my bed that night will be me. And, of course, my trusty Hitachi, which never lets me down.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I know, I know, the internet is a harsh mistress for you men out there. There are lots of men, and not so many women, and it seems like there's no real way to make yourself stand out in the world of internet meetings. You're absolutely right, and I'll be the last one to say that I can come up with some magic pill that will make your emails leap off the page every time you respond to a personal ad, much though I may wish I had that ability!

Nevertheless, I can tell you that there are things that don't help your cause. Lame or unremarkable emails are ubiquitous, and though I think it's a hoot to read them and see what absurd thing this guy has decided is the way to get me in the sack, they rarely, if ever, garner a response.

I've suggested in the past -- and I stand by this suggestion -- that you have a paragraph of generic email that you can send to anyone you respond to, but that you open and/or close with a couple of lines that show that you're responding to me. Unless a guy sounds incredibly awesome in his generic approach, I won't respond to an email that's obviously designed to be cut-and-pasted to all potentials.

I know it sucks for you guys, but the truth is, if you can't be bothered to put a little personalization into it, I figure that even if I do respond to you, our conversation will fizzle out before we meet, anyway, so why bother?

Posted by ClueChick at 6:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Look for something unusual about the ad. Does she have something quirky or humorous in her ad? Does she give some characteristic that sets her apart from some generic ideal? Spammers target the lowest common denominator, so if she's setting herself apart or narrowing down her potential audience, that's a good sign.

Look for longer, chatty ads with personality. Spammers don't put a lot of personality in their ads, and they tend to be brief, sometimes only a line or two. Again, their target is as many people as possible, so they cast a wide net, and this tends to lead to a generic tone.

Look for women who sound "imperfect" (i.e., real). If she sounds too good to be real, she probably is. Women who are looking for casual sex are imperfect, just as all women are. If she claims to be 18 and gorgeous, I'll let you guess what the likelihood is that she's for real.

Posted by ClueChick at 11:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I had big plans last night to post about a couple of tips you guys can use to help weed out the spam "w4m" ads on Craig's List, but I'm afraid I got sidetracked. I really can't recommend sex toys highly enough.

A few years ago, I was working in a fairly relaxed office, with some rowdy people, one of whom (the boss of pretty much everyone in that office) was going through a stressful but mostly amicable divorce. She came in one day feeling generally grouchy and out of sorts, and my direct supervisor finally asked her what the heck was going on. She explained that she was starting to feel some of the frustrations of being single.

At the time, I was also single, and in my early 20s, so, of course, I had a suggestion. "Go to Good Vibrations!" I said. "They're just around the corner!"

She looked at me in amazement. She was in her late 40s and had never owned a sex toy. In fact, it had never even occurred to her as an option. "People use those things???" she boggled.

"People don't???" I boggled right back.

She did not go shopping that day, but she did, eventually, venture out into the world to explore her options. The great thing about sex toys, though, is that they're good for when you're alone or with a partner. They're a great way to learn new things that you like, and to explore with a lover.

There's not always room for that kind of exploration in a casual sex context, but when there is, it's totally worth taking, because you never know what tips and tricks you might pick up.

Posted by ClueChick at 8:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A friend was recently recounting to me her tale of woe with regards to trying to start sleeping with someone new. In the course of the flirtation, my friend commented to her lust-object that she'd like to know what his STD testing status is, and if he knows his partners', she wanted to know those, too. Her lust-object took this badly, and said, "I would never insult my partners by asking them to get tested!"

Upon hearing this, I first laughed and rolled my eyes, but having given it some thought, it's more than eyeroll-worthy; this kind of attitude is actively contrary to healthy casual sexual encounters. Let's talk about why.

First, everyone has different levels of risk-aversion. And, it seems, everyone thinks that anyone who doesn't agree with them is either paranoid or stupid. I'm explicitly not taking that stance. It's your job as a sexual person to decide what risks you're willing to take, and to be open about that with the people you sleep with. It's also your job to protect yourself, and that means asking questions like, "Have you tested positive for X, Y, or Z?" If you don't ask, it's not reasonable to be upset later that your one night stand turned out, oops, to have tested positive for all of the above, but didn't tell you because she was embarrassed or didn't think it was a big deal or figured you didn't care since you didn't ask. So, figure out what's important to you, what level of risk you're willing to take on, and how to manage that for yourself.

Okay, so now's the time where I call someone stupid. "I wouldn't insult my partners by asking them to get tested," is essentially equivalent to saying, "I would never have the bad judgement to sleep with someone with an STD." This is a fundamental misunderstanding of a) people, b) STDs and c) what it might mean for someone to have an STD.

People who have an STD are not somehow different from people who do not have an STD. And they certainly don't look different, so there's no way to tell just by how someone looks whether or not she or he has an STD. So if you think your judgement is good enough that if you're hot for someone, they must be "clean", you're wrong. Additionally, people who have come up positive on an STD test are not somehow bad people. So, saying that inquriing into someones disease history is insulting is... well, let's just say that I'm not impressed with this logic.

If you're comfortable sleeping with someone without discussing diseases and risk, great, that's your choice, and more power to you. But don't mistake your risk-tolerance for some kind of moral high ground or ultra-fantastic interpersonal filter.

Posted by ClueChick at 4:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

One of the greatest things about the internet is that it opens a world of possibilities for people who like weird shit. Back in the 70s, I have no idea how people who were into balloon-popping for sexual pleasure found other people who were also into it. (These people, I've learned, are called "looners". If this sounds like your thing, I expect you to give a prayer of thanks to the geeks over at Google. I believe their preferred form of prayer is alcohol.) Any wacky thing you can think of, there's a group of people out there on the internet, chatting and sharing their fantasies and helping each other feel a little less alone.

Okay, maybe you're more creative than I am, and you can think of something for which there is no fetish group. I don't know. But I guarantee that if there isn't yet, there will be soon!

At any rate, what this means for all of you out there who are looking to pick people up on the internet, is that if you have a crazy fantasy that you've always been too embarrassed to tell a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you may finds casual encounters are a good way to play that out.

You want someone to tickle you while you fuck? Or you get hot thinking about that thing you saw on a porn flick once, where the woman leaned back on a yoga ball? Or whatever crazy thing you've been too shy to broach in relationships?

Give it a try! After all, what's the worst that happens? Your date thinks you're weird. Big deal!

Posted by ClueChick at 6:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)