ClueChick: real clues from a real chick

A newish friend was asking me recently what some of the lessons or benefits I've gotten from casual sex are, and I was able to articulate one to him that I haven't really managed to identify previously. Let's see if I can recreate a reasonable explanation here:

Growing up, girls -- well, probably everyone, but I think especially girls -- get a strong message of how important it is to save sex for marriage. There's a lot of acknowledgment that loads of people have sex before marriage, but even then, the dominant paradigm is that sex is a Big Deal, and you should only do it when you're in a committed relationship with someone you love.

And on top of that, there's this weird fetish our culture has for female virginity, so especially when you're young, you get a lot of rhetoric about how important it is to be sure, to pick the right guy, etc.

I remember a having a discussion in high school with some friends about which would be worse: to be raped or to be murdered. Read that again; I'll wait. Smart, thoughtful girls actually had a conversation wherein there was serious consideration of the question of whether it might not be better to be dead than to be raped. That is fucked up.

But the point, here, is that there's a lot of time and energy going into giving people the message that sex is HUGE, and that, if you're a girl, at least, you're a prize, and you should be sure not to give yourself to just anyone. ("Why buy the cow, yadda yadda?") And I'm not saying that people, especially young people, shouldn't be smart and thoughtful about sex, picking when they want to do it and with whom. But I am saying that the current dialogue about it is fucked. And not in a good way.

And one of the great great things that casual sex has done for me is allowed me to stop thinking of myself as a prize that I award to someone for being the nicest guy or the smartest or the hottest or the nearest or whatever -est he happens to be, and, instead, to think about what I want out of sex. I'm not someone's prize; I'm my prize, and my reward is that I get to to what I want with my mind and body, when I want, and with the person (or people) I want to do it with. I'm not having sex to pat some guy on the head to say, "Hey, man, nice work! You win the good guy award! Have some pussy!" Instead, I'm having sex because I like sex, and it's what I want to do.

And despite having a couple of kickass awesome relationships before my casual sex days started, I think I'm a better lover now than I was then. Not because I have any great new techniques (though, let's be honest: I may), but because I'm choosing for myself when I take my clothes off.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

1. Denzel Washington: Yes, please!
2. Jon Stewart: He's hot; he's brilliant; he's funny. What's not to like?
3. Pierce Broznan: Despite his shitty acting and horrendous taste in roles, he's pretty. Plus, everyone loves an accent.
4. Patrick Stewart: Speaking of accents! And actually good acting. And yum.
5. Rob Thomas: In truth, I just want to take him to bed so he'll sing to me. Well, that and the pierced ears and the leather pants.

Posted by ClueChick at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

As you all have, perhaps, noticed, my posting has slacked off significantly over the summer. Summer is like that, of course, with lots of picnics and weekend outings and adventures of all sorts, and though I've been having the occasional hookup, most of my summer has been consumed by more substantial activities and events than casual sex.

This is something of a mixed bag for me. I really like casual sex, and I like having it be part of my life. And though I think I'm moving -- slowly -- in the direction of thinking I want to have some more serious relationship in my life. I was talking to a friend about this and she kindly pointed out the obvious: I don't have to choose between the two. But it still does mean shifting my efforts, which have, in the last couple of years, pretty much focused on the casual side of things, to include a bit more variety.

So, that may mean that on those (embarrassingly infrequent, I know) occasions when I manage to remind myself to post here, I may be shifting the focus around a bit. I know this won't bore most of you, but some of you, perhaps? So, call this fair warning.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

After meeting a new guy for a drink, I'm home early and enjoying the quiet of a weekend night. I remember once upon a time when being by myself on a Friday or Saturday night felt like a huge social failure, one that I repeated many times, often imagining the cool kids out having all kinds of cool fun that I couldn't even imagine.

Now, with life running me up one side and down the other, a mellow evening at home is always a treat. A dip in the tub, a little self-grooming, paint my nails, put brown mud all over my face and eat cherry cordials in front of a stupid movie? Could there be a more perfect evening?

Somewhere between the ages of 15 and 28 or 29, I stopped sweating the "date nights" at home. That's about the time that I started to be really content with myself, I'd say, and with that, I discovered a certain freedom from imagined social pressures. That's not to say I don't like a nice date on a Friday night, but I know it's not any kind of statement of worth to have one or lack of worth not to.

It's too bad, though, that Mr. Drink wasn't more fun, 'cause I sure am horny.

Posted by ClueChick at 9:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sometimes, I think casual sex is a great way for me to get over fears. Not fears like spiders or heights, but social fears, like, "Boys never think I'm hot," or "I'm too shy to go out and try something wild," or "I was the big dork in high school and why do I think I'm any different now that I'm 30?"

Other times, I think casual sex is a great way for me to avoid facing fears. Fears like, "Am I just fucking around for validation that I can't get elsewhere?" or "Do I like casual sex because it means I don't have to be vulnerable to anyone?"

Posted by ClueChick at 5:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)